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I decided that it’s worth it—trying to be myself and find myself. I know that I have flaws, that I have things to work on, so I may not necessarily like everything about myself but I won’t hate myself anymore. Isn’t that everybody?
Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost my purpose in life but I’ve decided that it’s always there deep down inside, even when I don’t recognize it. I will keep living on and when I fill with hatred for myself, I will remind myself of this.
I have been given new inspiration to live. There are so many times I could have died that I survived and that fuels the knowledge that God is keeping me here on earth for reason. I’ve decided not to cut myself. Whenever I want to, ever again, I will talk to someone. It doesn’t matter what we talk about, just as long as we talk. My visit with Gure went very well today. He helped me see that I take things way too seriously and that there are people out there who are in more difficult situations than I am. He did this very gently of course, such is his nature. But without knowing this, he reminded me of my purpose in life. I vow to stop hating myself because I have my purpose back and have a reason to live again.
That is why I threw the razor away and gave him the gun. I don’t want to kill myself…anymore. At least, I don’t want the opportunity.
I want to keep on living…a little longer. Even if that’s selfish—then at least I guess I’ll have to deal with being selfish. At least, that’s what Gure says. He also said that without some selfishness I would be too annoying to be his friend. He may not say anything close to what I think I need sometimes, but the under lying meaning is the same.
I will keep on living for now…not for Kana or for anyone else…but for myself. I will live a little bit longer and try my best to stay positive.
That’s a promise.
~Hatori
