Play
wonderland online!
zzzz...not sure what to say. David-San (dposse) has been really helping me out! He inspired me to pick up poetry again and I made a new wallpaper. Please check it out! I'd put up a link, but I'm too tired @_@
Kyo: -_- that's no excuse
Yuki: Be quiet stupid cat. She needs rest.
Cia: Well, yes...I need to work on an English paper...
Note to anyone who cares (if there if anyone):
I have been clinically depressed since like 4th or 5th grade, showing major signs of it since about seventh grade, when I first wanted to commit suicide. It comes and goes and I try my best to fight it, but lately I've been losing. This school year, I stopped fighting the urge to cut myself. I denyed myself food, water, and decent rest. I overdosed on my insulin without even thinking about it and had major scares such as passing out, unable to breath, because of it. I finally saw a therapist and let her know things I NEVER LET ANYONE ELSE KNOW. Not even Yasha. The thing is, I was so calm for most of it. It was like, well yeah, I was overdosing and cutting myself. So? But then certain times I'd be sobbing. She brought my mom in and I couldn't talk I was crying so hard. Finally I was able to say "I'm so sorry. I'm such a failure. I wanted to be a good daughter for you, but I failed."
My mom let me know she was proud of me for fighting so hard. I'm supposed to meet with a doctor to start anti-depressant pills on Tuesday. This is not my fault. I have a hormonal imbalance of the brain. I still hate myself, but once my hormones are figured out I should feel myself again.
Again?
I've never felt myself. I've been on drugs and meds and hating myself since at least the 4th grade. So I'm not hoping I can be myself again, I'm hoping I can be myself for the first time. And I'm pretty excited about it. So scared I could piss in my pants, but excited.
Please, no one do the things I did. Now that I'm trying to eat and stuff I'm getting sick constantly because of how much I've screwed up my body. My weight...*sigh* If you're having probs, talk to me, talk to a conseulor, talk to your parents (they're not as dumb as you think) talk to someone.
You'll think you're the only one with so much pain, but it's not you! It's just a medical problem. It can be fixed. You can get better. And once you get through the inhumanly scary step of talking for the first time, it gets easier. Spoken from experiance. Don't hack at yourself to feel something. Just, I mean, I know it sounds dumb and hypocritical coming from me. But don't.
um.... Glugafed?