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What the hell?
Less than two hours ago, I was saying maybe I should just go back to Sean and let him fuck me. That's what he wants or at least wanted from me, right? And what the hell? I have nothing more to lose, right? I'm a fat ugly bitch who's got people who wanna fuck her, but nobody who would ever want to make love to her. There's a big difference. I don't know if you guys understand that or not, but there is.
Oh God, I was reading a KyoxYuki fanfic and it got my sexual drive going...yes, contary to popular belief, I do have a sexual drive and I do have sexual desire and sexual dreams. Freaking anyone out yet? I'm scared, hurt, exposed and broken. I tried my best to deal with the whole Sean situation. I didn't want to hurt him, I swear to God I didn't, but I did what I did to keep myself safe. I didn't what him to fuck me, but now I don't know if I have anything to lose.
I have had recurring dreams of being raped, which supposably reveals that I am afraid of losing my virginity. Well, duh! Until recently, I was scared of sex in general!
I hate this, I hate this, I hate this! I tried adding him to my friends list on Facebook (a blog thing) as a way to reconcile. I've been trying so hard, injuring myself in order to try and make him happier. I've been keeping my eye on him and we even talk once in awhile when in a group. I was trying to forgive him, damn it! Trying to forgive him and he spurred me. And on top of that, one of my best friends supports him! And I know he still reads this blog cause he made a comment on how I couldn't love Spock because of him being Vulcan. Well, get this, smarta$$, Spock is half-vulcan, half-human, so he is prone to emotion from time to time. And what's this about falling in love with him and him returning or not-returning my love? This just in--he's not real! and I can have any fav character I want. Why the hell should it matter what you say about it, a$$hole?
Crap, I can't believe I'm writing stuff like this. It's just...it's been really hard lately and I try to forgive him but then I look on his site to see if he's cooled off and instead he's flaming me and happens to have adopted a pet with my confirmation name. What the hell am I supposed to think about all of this?
I've been hurting myself again--on my hands. And the worse part of it is, I'm bruising all over in places I didn't hurt myself! Plus I have the flu and a damn pysch paper that is not gonna be done by tomorrow. Dammit all, I thought I had a reason to live, but maybe I don't! People either feel nothing for me, are overly possesive of me, stab me in the back or wanna fuck me. Heck, a lot of people are a mix of those. Why the hell should I keep on living for that kind of crap?
So, anyone wanna flame this? Anyone wanna say "don't say things like that, dammit"
Go ahead, but I have no reason to listen to you. Does anyone actually prove those points anymore other than Kitty? Damn it Kamenki, I rely too much on you! And I hurt and abuse you! Don't you see that you'd be much better without me? Maybe somebody should fuck me so I'd get off my high horse and stop being such an ass. Cause obviously that's all I am--an ass. A fat, ugly, bitch of an ass everyone hates and would be better off without. Obviously Sean thinks I'm an ass. And I bet a lot of my friends secretly think I'm an ass. I don't blame them, half the time I think I'm an ass.
DAmn! damn damn damn damn damn damn damn
What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I ever be happy? Why not me, God? Why not me? As soon as something good comes my way, as soon as I start feeling happy, all of that is shattered. Y'know what? This is shit. Absolute shit. You wanna know all the crap I have to deal with?
#1: diabetes
#2: asthma
#3: an abusive brother who thinks I'm a bitch
#4: parents that don't know what they want or what they expect from me, other than too much
#5: depression/poor body image/eating disorder
#6: Polysistic Ovarian Syndrome
#7: an over-abundance in anxiety, which led to Irritable Bowel Syndrome
#8: My absolute best friend and spiritual helper is living hours away and I haven't seen her in years.
#9: I am a hetrosexual female and I had a female ask to get naked with me and who *quote* wanted to fuck me before I even knew what sex was.
#10: I have friends who either use me or stab me in the back, or both
#11: I have a complete asshole of an ex-boyfriend
#12: I still don't understand a lot of sexual stuff and get taken advantage of
#13: I had five times I planned to kill myself and I haven't managed to die, not even when I was hit with a car.
#14: I didn't die, but I still have complications of concussions and spraining muscles in my neck.
...
I think I feel a little better now. I think I'm gonna be sick again.
