Thursday, October 26, 2006

   more dane cook...im getting these from felicia but theyre funny as hell
I wanna be a fireman! I didn't really wanna be a fireman--I thought I did. I just wanted to spray sh*t with a hose. That's what I really wanted to do. I wanted to be a like sprayman, -no! I was f*ckin' good, I'm not laughing! I was really good with a hose. I could make it feel like it was raining-if you closed your eyes you'd think it was raining--THAT'S how good I was. You'd be like '"Oh my God, it is really raining, it's very cold rain.'... If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, f*ck that, I quit! I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everybody else and the woman next to me would be like 'PLEASE! MY SON! HE'S SCREAMING IN THERE!" and I'd be like 'Well he's probably on fire. That's what happens when you're on fire lady-- What are you doing out here. You f*ckin' think-for-yourselfer! why didn't you make a map for him or something!"


This would be the ultimate full circle slap in the face of the United States... What if this happens, because look we are the greatest country on Earth but we get a little cocky from time to time. If we don't like the way your country's doing its business, we'll kick the door in, "Hey, hey knock it off, you're bugging the world, cut it out. And if you don't listen to us we'll throw all kinds of weapons and crazy **** at cha', which we always apololigize about using twenty or thirty years later. Listen we're really sorry about that, we were a little drunk at the time and we got a little rambunchious, the bomb we didn't know it was going to do that, we thought it was a contained blast and we didn't know it would make everything blown to smitherines. And you were being kind of a bitch. Country! {snap} Country! {snap} you are being kind of a *****. Are we cool now and mind if we leave like three or four thousand troops and maybe some supplies here do ya, DO YA MIND. You wouldn't want us to get drunk again would ya! High five us, photo opt, FA-CHINK! [camera sound]. We get a little cocky....what if when the mothership comes over middle America and we are all sitting watching TV, all the news crews are just focusing on there watching, right, what if one of the hatches finally open, out of the UFOs come thousands of 100 foot Native American Indians. We're gonna be watching like '**** those are huge Indians, please tell me they aren't giant Indians, Goddamnit they're huge Indians, alright good game America, we had some fun huh.' Hi Giant Indians, we did some sh*t and ahhh..... Could you show us how to make giant corn?!


Did sharks like get together and go,Let's start attacking people. A guy in the news, again, the other day. A couple days ago, he got bit by a shark. The shark let him go. He was telling the story, they brought him back to the beach. Which is just where he wants to f-ing be, anywhere near the ocean again. And the news reporter was like, "What happened? Why did the shark attack you? Were you taunting it? Yeah, I go in the sea sometimes just to f*** around with the sharks. I have this thing called a Shark Rocket and I shoot it at them. And it really annoys them. And then I just wade there in the water and they come at me. But I'm really good at eluding them. I know this hip move, it's something porpoises do and I then I pretend that I have a bottleneck and I stab them in the gills. And it really is effective......
How did you get away? I just punched it and it let me go. Let's recap this. A f-ing shark come throught the water...right and this guy...Hey! The f-ing shark goes over to this guy...bites, this guy punches it in the face and a shark goes ALRIGHT! And tell me there's no time in your life when you swim faster than when a f-ing shark lets you go.

Comments (1)