Monday, October 1, 2012

on a less depressing note, I've been drawing more anime characters better lol so I'm improving. I was drawing all throughout math class (eww). Surprisingly, I am doing well in math. Like, it's easier to me now, and the prof explains it really well. So it's not bad, but still boring. I drew Hetalia, Tiger and Bunny, and Homestuck characters lol. I've been getting into Tiger and Bunny, it's pretty good. Also, does anyone read Homestuck? If you ever start, let me tell you, you will not understand it at first. It is so convoluted and almost quite boring... but it gets a lot better. They're supposed to release a videogame on it, so that would be cool. I don't even play videogames, and I would buy it lol. So yeah, nothing much i guess.
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Not much going on i guess. Still not feeling better. Constantly being brought down and stood up by other people (even after everything I do for everyone). Meh, I'll just do what I always do and just say fuck everything and everyone. I pretty much hate people, but I've always been a misanthropist since I was 12, so nothing new about that haha. I try to be positive, but it's not really my thing. Oh well. Got homework that I don't want to do, a quiz and getting results back from a test I probably failed. I've also been drawing portraits for class and I feel like doing one of Winston Churchill so fuck it, I'm gonna do that instead lol. A good thing this week though is that I've been considered for a scholarship that will pay for my graduate school when I go. If I'm accepted, everything will be paid for and I'll get my Ph.D. I'll technically be the first doctor in my family if I even get that far, so it's something to look forward to. If not this year, I'll be considered again for next year as long as my GPA is being kept up. I hope everyone's weekend has been good.
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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

i'm feeling better now that i've slept a bit.. but im not sure how long this feeling will last.
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I appreciate your input, at least you guys care, even if its just a little.

But I guess what I mean is that I wasn't talking about the quantity of "friends" or whatever. When I said I was alone, I really meant I was alone. I have literally NO true friends.

All my life, literally EVERYONE I have tried to make a connection with has either betrayed me in some way, used me, and abused me (Not kiddng about abuse). Same for family. The only people I got are my family, (and what I mean by family I mean parents (they don't even love each other) and brothers, no one outisde of that gives a shit) but even then, they don't understand me. Whether they care I'm not sure anymore... eventually everyone leaves me. I really hate saying it, but what if you guys get tired of me and leave too? I'm so scared of that happening, because literally myo friends and 2 friends I've met on the internet are really the ONLY people that I have a connection with. a REAL connection. But you have your own lives, your own issues you have to deal with, and someday, you might move on. I just don't want to see you guys move on too, that sounds selfish, but i really like you guys and I'd never want our friendship to end. But alas, everything ends. I, besides you guys, I don't have any boyfriend/girlfriend who would love me (and who the fuck would?), still no job, nothing accomplished, I haven't done anything for the world. My existence means nothing. So what's the point of living, really? I've neglected to tell you guys, but I've been suffering bouts of depression for about 4 years now, and my health is actually getting worse... I'm sorry I never mentioned it before, but I didn't want anyone to feel bad. I didn't want anyone to worry, I don't want to be a burden on anyone, and besides, my problems are really nothing in comparison to some things. I kinda hope to get better, but does it really matter? I can't commit suicide because that's what cowards do, but at the same time cowards don't go through with anything, so am I a coward either way?

It's times like this that I hope there really is a God. I wish there was meaning in life, I wish that good people did go to a good place and that everyone was loved the same way. But I can't come to terms with faith anymore, I'm too tainted and weary to believe in anything. I wish I had someone who loved me, and would hold me at night, and share my innermost experiences with, but of course, no one does. I wish I had people who would be real friends, but of course people either will try to take advantage of me or just get tired and break away because I'm a loser. I can't get hired anywhere (which is just a problem within the system. fuck them) I've just come to terms that life is just meaningless period.

I know it's complaining, but I rarely ever do that so spare me. I've never told anyone this before, and when I've tried to talk to people, I was laughed at, rejected, and accused of being a weak whiny weirdo and that no one cares about me, or my feelings were belitted and so was I.

I don't get it. I'm nice to people, I am willing to give advice to anyone (even if its sucky), I would offer the shirt off my back and food to someone even if I have little. I have helped and cared for a lot of people. Is it so hard to want that in return? Or to at least have someone else be that nice? but no. Apparently I can't ahve that.

I can't ignore these feelings of anxiety and hopelessness anymore. I am alone, and I will die alone, only question is when so I can get it over with already.

I just want to say that I really love you guys, so that must say something, that I'm not dead yet. I don't know what that means, but I guess I'll just wake up tomorrow and survive for another day. I hope you don't hate me for this, but I've needed to say this for a very long time. I am thankful that at least I have this place to be able to talk. If I didn't, who knows where I would be?

I apologize for everything, you can ignore this if you want
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Saturday, September 15, 2012

Why do I feel that the only people who understand me are people who live so far away? And even then I feel alone and empty. Like no one really fucking understands. In the end, its just myself and the shadow that will follow me to my grave.
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Sunday, August 19, 2012

i dun wanna go back to skool mama

It's that time of year. Getting all my books and stuff, I saved at least $200 on my supplies lol. The first year always seems expensive.

Went to an old friend's open house yesterday, and then the movies with 4 of my good friends. It was fun and all but idk, I feel out of place a lot.

I can never shake off the feeling that I don't really have friends, or people to trust really. I haven't updated this whole summer, but it's really been ups and downs I guess.. it's getting hard for me to trust people, and I'm always suspicious and paranoid. Like wow, I'm a bad friend aren't I lol.

idk. My aunt is coming over to visit today. She's a lot different now since she's sobered up. My mom and her never had a great relationship, but hopefully things will change.

Hope all has been well :)


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Friday, August 3, 2012

hi
uh I don't have much to say really lol

Been doing pretty good actually.

so uh how are all of you lol
sorry I don't really have that much to talk about :/
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Monday, July 23, 2012

ohmahgerd
Hey everyone, surviving the summer? I haven't been on in a while, not much to tell really. I hung out with friends at a bar Saturday, but we left because it wasn't much fun, blaring country music at ungodly decibels, so loud we couldn't even listen to each other talk. We ended up leaving to Taco Bell instead. Would be much funner if we were 21 probably. Oh well. Kinda pisses me off that there's really nothing for teens and twenty somethings to do.. it's funny because my town is pretty conservative. There's a rule that there cannot be two teenagers in the store at the same time. No wonder people get busted for vandalism and smoking pot, there's nothing else to do here. Went to the mall the next day with friends again. I got a CD and season 4 of Hetalia. It was a freakin deal, they were having a sale lol too bad I didn't have much, I was about to buy out the whole anime section. Now I'm just chillin at home doing nothing like usual.... ha, how are all of you?
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Sunday, July 8, 2012

you know, I really like hot weather buuuuut


Chris Evans knows what's up.

I hope you all are surviving this week!!
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Saturday, June 23, 2012

back from the con!
Hey everybody! I came back :D it was so fun. Gosh, I had no idea how tired I'd be (or how much money I'd spend LOL). It was a bit disconcerting at first, as a person of my short stature and shy nature, but I got used to it, seen some people I knew and others and many cool cosplayers. I'm not a cosplayer myself, but I admire those who do it :)

It was REALLY hot though XD man I must've stunk even though I took like 2 showers and sprayed a bunch of perf and body spray on to at least smell better since I heard anime cons have a bad reputation for smelling bad... and I can attest to that O.O ahahaha

I did get some merchandise, I wish I had an infinite amount of $$ because there was so many I liked -.- here's some photos I have on my dA account:

here's my shit

http://thementalpatient.deviantart.com/gallery/37853731

LOL

Now I must rest, I got a lot of history books from the library to read.. I love history ^^;

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