Wednesday, September 26, 2012

I appreciate your input, at least you guys care, even if its just a little.

But I guess what I mean is that I wasn't talking about the quantity of "friends" or whatever. When I said I was alone, I really meant I was alone. I have literally NO true friends.

All my life, literally EVERYONE I have tried to make a connection with has either betrayed me in some way, used me, and abused me (Not kiddng about abuse). Same for family. The only people I got are my family, (and what I mean by family I mean parents (they don't even love each other) and brothers, no one outisde of that gives a shit) but even then, they don't understand me. Whether they care I'm not sure anymore... eventually everyone leaves me. I really hate saying it, but what if you guys get tired of me and leave too? I'm so scared of that happening, because literally myo friends and 2 friends I've met on the internet are really the ONLY people that I have a connection with. a REAL connection. But you have your own lives, your own issues you have to deal with, and someday, you might move on. I just don't want to see you guys move on too, that sounds selfish, but i really like you guys and I'd never want our friendship to end. But alas, everything ends. I, besides you guys, I don't have any boyfriend/girlfriend who would love me (and who the fuck would?), still no job, nothing accomplished, I haven't done anything for the world. My existence means nothing. So what's the point of living, really? I've neglected to tell you guys, but I've been suffering bouts of depression for about 4 years now, and my health is actually getting worse... I'm sorry I never mentioned it before, but I didn't want anyone to feel bad. I didn't want anyone to worry, I don't want to be a burden on anyone, and besides, my problems are really nothing in comparison to some things. I kinda hope to get better, but does it really matter? I can't commit suicide because that's what cowards do, but at the same time cowards don't go through with anything, so am I a coward either way?

It's times like this that I hope there really is a God. I wish there was meaning in life, I wish that good people did go to a good place and that everyone was loved the same way. But I can't come to terms with faith anymore, I'm too tainted and weary to believe in anything. I wish I had someone who loved me, and would hold me at night, and share my innermost experiences with, but of course, no one does. I wish I had people who would be real friends, but of course people either will try to take advantage of me or just get tired and break away because I'm a loser. I can't get hired anywhere (which is just a problem within the system. fuck them) I've just come to terms that life is just meaningless period.

I know it's complaining, but I rarely ever do that so spare me. I've never told anyone this before, and when I've tried to talk to people, I was laughed at, rejected, and accused of being a weak whiny weirdo and that no one cares about me, or my feelings were belitted and so was I.

I don't get it. I'm nice to people, I am willing to give advice to anyone (even if its sucky), I would offer the shirt off my back and food to someone even if I have little. I have helped and cared for a lot of people. Is it so hard to want that in return? Or to at least have someone else be that nice? but no. Apparently I can't ahve that.

I can't ignore these feelings of anxiety and hopelessness anymore. I am alone, and I will die alone, only question is when so I can get it over with already.

I just want to say that I really love you guys, so that must say something, that I'm not dead yet. I don't know what that means, but I guess I'll just wake up tomorrow and survive for another day. I hope you don't hate me for this, but I've needed to say this for a very long time. I am thankful that at least I have this place to be able to talk. If I didn't, who knows where I would be?

I apologize for everything, you can ignore this if you want
Comments (0)