Friday, March 26, 2004

What's Going on Here?

This is getting really old, really fast. What's with the silent treatment? I'm beginning to wonder if anyone who tries is getting to my page at all. I'm not convinced that no one would come by at all in almost a week, even that random member thing gets lucky once in a while. With the lack of communication, I'm seeing now that I'm right about myself not fitting into this online community either, that I'm the loser of the bunch. I'm using the information or lack thereof at my disposal to arrive at this conclusion. I'll repeat my previous question until I get an answer. If I'm not welcomed or wanted here, if I'm just wasting my time on rants that no one cares a flying fig about, I need to know. I never stay where I'm not wanted, so please tell me outright, straightforward, whichever way you got that is harsh, blunt, and realistic. I'll know by the end of the week. I get responses, then I'm doing something, If I don't, then I know I'm not accepted here. Anime Dreams ~Cosmicsailor

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Thursday, March 25, 2004

This Just In

This report just came over the wire to me direct from myself. I'm back to verbally rip myself to shreds again, not that anyone cares or anything. I've done this often enough that I don't even take myself seriously anymore. I'd be lying if I said I believed that. I do take what I feel seriously even when no one else will. Tune in to live full coverage as it happens. The loser is loose and spreading chaos in his wake. That's what I think of myself now, plain and simple. I do well on offline projects, but online I'm just a ridiculous, failing, foolish, loser. I'd go on, but even I have to stop somewhere before I crack and go truly mental. The pounding of the neighbor's music is already annoying me enough for that on it's own. I don't have anything else to say, and won't here. When I can get my art accepted somewhere, you can ____ well bet it won't be here, then I'll be less self demeaning. Until then, I have nothing nice to say about myself. I'm truly the one at fault if the garbage I think is art isn't posted I guess. I and those around me must think too highly of my skill to see it for the low class, generic, and downright awful junk it is. But I can't say that for sure without having other people see it and tell me what I can to to improve myself as an artist NOW CAN I? All I know is what I tell myself, and that is it's good enough to try, should be good enough to see. It's my delusions I suffer from, delusions of actually being good at something, when the fates have already told me I'm not supposed to be good at anything. Look If I'm just wasting my time here, let me know and I'll leave. I make it a point to never stay where I'm not wanted, and if that's the case here tell me already so we can move on with our lives in peace. I'm to stupid to recognise it myself so you'll have to speak up. Anime Nightmares to myself and Anime Dreams to everyone else. We all deserve what we get. ~Cosmicsailor

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Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Soapbox Moment

Yet again I find myself at a loss for positive words about who I am and what I do. I'm still hung up on my failures here, I guess I will be for a while, as every time I come back I'm reminded of them. I'm not normally the type of person who obsesses over such things, but this being more personal to me is different. I watched as pieces of who I am whithered and died from neglect, after I worked so hard to put the life into them. It was tough to see, and tough to accept. That's probably the main reason I'm still a little angry. All the efforts I put into my projects to get up here, and nothing was accepted. I'm angry at myself for the most part this time, because I expected a little too much of others(I'm learning not to rely on anyone anymore), and didn't anticipate enough obstacles while I prepared. It should have been obvious to me from the start that I would be facing an uphill battle especially with my artwork, I mean the site has a histoy of denying me my chance to display my artwork, and that alone should have told me something. I kidded myself with the false hopes that this time would be different. This time would be my shining start to something far more, in my art, and in my mind. Besides the one request I've started, I haven't been able to concentrate on any kind of drawings at all, whether by computer or by hand. I just can't find it in me to focus and draw like I did before. Rejection for me is still hard even though I'm used to it. It never gets easier, don't let anyone fool you into thinking otherwise. I've relived some memories I didn't care to experience the first time, but that's what life is about isn't it? It's rough, but I guess someone has to be the community loser, guess I'm it here. Well, I'd love to stay and continue my boring rants, but I don't think anyone either cares, or is listening. I'll go now, and be back soon, hopefully in a better mood than I'm in right now. I cna't promise the moon and stars on that, but I will try. Even us losers have to be somewhat professional about it. Not everyone can be so lucky as I am to be a loser. It must be destiny. Anime Dreams of stars and songs in the muted grayscales of timelessness. ~Cosmicsailor

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Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Soapbox Moment

It used to be Toxic Nonsense, now I'm standing on soapboxes. Just wait until it actually breaks under my weight, I'd pay money to see that. Not really sure where to begin. There are many things I'd like to say, but won't, many things I need to say, but can't, and many things I should say, but choose not to. It's a paradox of my own making. Caught between the communication of ideas, and mindless ramblings that make me look like the ignorant fool I can be at times. If I know that about myself, how is it I go about stopping it from taking over on occassion? I'm working on some projects for other obligations of mine, projects that I know will be successful from the feedback I've been getting so far. The choices and setbacks I have faced here taught me some things that I'm finding useful to make other projects and ideas flow smoothly from the drawing board to fruition. Unexpected, but true in any case. Granted I had to give up a bit of the mystery I like to use to keep people guessing about a project until it comes out, but if it works to my adventage, I'll use it. I won't tease anyone with details of projects that will never be seen here, I'm not that spiteful. I have chosen my path, and will stick to it like glue. I've been requested to make a drawing by someone, a family member offline of course, which I'll get on soon too. I just need to get some of the details about the character first. That is a sign that those around me at least are accepting my art and style for what it is. Wish I could say the same about my online family, but that's getting into a sore subject I do not want to touch right now. I've thought about the whole thing a lot, and nothing I come up with explains it to me in any logical way. It's just a waste of my time to rant about personal failures. I've failed before, will again, and I guess I should get over it and accept the fact that there are born "losers" out there, My being one of them. We can all dream though. Dream big dreams of places, people, scenery and dreamscapes. All stretching out before us in ways only left to our imaginations. I'll have to satisfy myself with that, as I excel at dreaming Anime Dreams of stardust and symphony. I'd better ride of into the sunset before I warp the group dynamic. I.D.I.C. (Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations) A Vulcan principle from Star Trek Anime Dreams, ~Cosmicsailor

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Sunday, March 21, 2004

Soapbox Moment

Well, I've had some time to cool down, I'm still angry, but I'm not out of control anymore. It amazes me to go back and read what I wrote myself. It's scary to me that I would actually go that far. I guess the old wisdom is true, anger does cloud one's judgement. This is my way of apologizing for going off the handle like I did. It was me at my worst, something I should know better than to display over little things. Now that I have that out of the way, I have something important I need clear up. That's the reason I've terminated the "New Direction" I had planned to take this. I'll keep it simple, and to the point. ---------- Reasons for Abandonment of Project New Direction: 1) Lack of Cohesive Element: This is the element that would have linked the other elements together using visuals. I had a character sketch that I wanted to be an important focus for the written material. The picture not being accepted made a serious dent in my overall objective, and frustrated me to no end. I know it was not denied due to size, and I refuse to believe the quality was in question, I've seen similar caliber work posted here. As a sort of silent protest to that, I've removed everything I have control of on the page with any hint of color in it. The color will not return until my honor is satisfied. I have strong principles when it comes to such things, and plan to stick by them with everything I've got. 2) Lack of Interest: No one made any comments telling me what they liked, or disliked about the story part, which I tried to plot on with in an effort to save the New Direction. No news is not good news when it comes to creative works. If I didn't know people were reading, I couldn't continue the story, so it was scrapped. The loss of both the visual and story elements meant that the little things I was working on for the New Direction had no basis, no foundation, and thus had to be scrapped as well, rendering the whole project null. ---------- That's my reasoning, like it, don't like it, agree with me, hate my guts. I was wrong in my assumptions before so I don't care what people think anymore. I'm used to being ignored, bullied, and left out of things. So why should I expect any different here? Well, I've worked myself up again, I'd better go before something really harsh slips out again. Anime Dreams, ~Cosmicsailor

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Friday, March 19, 2004

New Direction Update

First off congratulations on hitting the new milestone, 20,000 members and counting. The update today has me curious. My lack of art is probably my primary reason I'm not very interested in the "refined portfolio system" mentioned. Why do I need to be interested in features I'll never get to use. It's an old rant I know. I get tired of saying it, as I'm sure someone is tired of hearing it. Anyway, I guess I'm still annoyed that I haven't figured out what the double standard is to get stuff accepted here. Something doesn't make sense to me, I've seen pictures (no offense to anyone is meant) that are far worse than what I tried to submit, yet they are here, mine is not. Don't ask me to refer you to specifc pics or artists, because I'm not so cruel as to deliberatetly disgrace or embarass anyone. I may be in a bad mood, but there is a line even I will not cross. The specifics aren't important, the concept of favoritism over quality control, is. I spent last week mostly offline for a reason. I was working on the specifics of a plan I vaguely introduced a while ago under the heading of taking my corner of the internet universe in a new direction. That "New Direction" was going to combine my stories with my art, and an interactive element that I can't even discuss now because there is no way it can be implimented. I put a lot of work into the test art and story, so that they would be recognised as a new standard for me personally. If I didn't put so much of my heart into what I do, the failure wouldn't hurt so much, but I was always going that extra step to feel my material. Since I'm not seeing nearly the results I was anticipating for this to work, I'm cancelling the New Direction. There's no point in my putting all my efforts into something if it's not going to work from the start. I take failure of any kind very poorly. It reflects upon me as being less than my best. I may at some point decide to try the New Direction again, but that is uncertain as of yet. I do apologize if I've offended, insulted, or otherwise affected negatively with this post. I'll be back to my old routine of dry, unimportant ramblings as early as next week. ~Cosmicsailor

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Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Soapbox Moment

I'm going off the topic of my story, because I feel I owe everyone a bit of an explanation about what's going on with my site's lack of color. I came back from my break all cheerful, and ready to mold this page into something better than it was. I tried and failed miserably to bring it together. I had such good things lined up, but with the sabo thrown into one element it derailed the whole project. All I can do now is post my story and want it to be sufficient. I've removed all things with colors on them that I have control over. I also removed the song, not only because the player wasn't a greytone, but because there is no point in having cheerful music on a dreary page. All that will remain gone indefinately, as this is the only way I know how to get the point across that I'm not happy. This is my protest, and I'm not going to back down from it. I apologize for any inconveniences I may have caused. I made a lot of promises, which are now shattered. I don't like breaking promises, it hurts every time I do. Again I'm sorry if you were expecting great things here when I returned, because they aren't coming. I'll have the next installment of my story up soon. Anime Dreams in Sorrowful Shades of Gray. ~Cosmicsailor

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Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Soapbox Moment

That is the first installment of my story, I hope you enjoyed it. I had a nice picture to go along with this story as part of the "interactive element" I was going to introduce today, but as you can see, or can't see rather, it wasn't accepted. Which means I have to cancel the whole d*mn thing. I thought about putting the interactive project on hold, but I don't have the heart ot pick apart something I worked so hard on pulling together to make it work. Looking for hidden messeges are we? I don't do hidden messeges. I've come to the conclusion that my original art isn't good enough for this site, so I won't submit any more art here, PERIOD. I put a lot of hard work, effort, and heart into the picture that was rejected, like I do with all my works. It's insulting to me that I took the time to create something worth sharing, only to be slapped across the face like that. I can't help but feel that my two weeks of effort were time I wasted, and I don't like to feel that anything I've done was a waste of time. My honor as an artist has been offended to no end, and there is little that can be done to correct that now. Anime Dreams in The Saddened Shades of Gray, ~Cosmicsailor

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