Something we used to do in Theatre class was a personal evaluation, not pertaining to any of the characters we played, but to ourselves as actors, artists, and plain old human beings. Basically we had to answer three questions in a long drawn out essay, and though I dreaded doing it back then, it actually was a fun assignment, and I learned a lot about myself that way. Those questions in a nutshell? Where are you now? Where do you see yourself in the future? And, how do you plan to get there? I never thought I'd be a reasonable animé fan artist back then, but animé came to me after I got out of school so my priortities have shifted. In the spirit of the assignment (which was a three page essay) I'm going to write another personal evaluation, sometimes it helps to look at one's self with eyes unclouded before one can see the rest of the world the same way.
Just this morning I got on a bicycle for the first time in a few years, expecting myself to be a little unsteady and nervous, to my surprize, I wasn't. I actually rode better now than I used to ride, even after all that time off the bike. When I used to ride, I was always nervous, which lead to my instability and many a tumble I can assure you. This morning was the first time I was out and didn't have that overwhelming anxiety plaguing my ride. I can't say for certian where it came from, or where it went, but I'm glad to be able to have a steady ride again. But what does that have to do with me as a person? Well, I am a timid person by nature. I'm not very good expression myself in person the same way I do online. Seeing that I have outgrown some nervousness in one area gives me hope that I can outgrow the shyness that has prevented me from getting a job.
Right now, I see myself at a standstill. I could be going further, I could be doing more, but I'm not. I let myself get distracted by unimportant nuisance things that would have best been left behind me long ago. Obsessing over small things has dulled my perspective, and bogged me down with way more stress and weight than I can easily carry. The Art School's antics, WorkForce West Virginia's discrimination, and the many interviews that lead nowhere, that's all petty ante nonsense that I don't really need to waste my time on now or ever. They failed me, they failed all of their clients, students, employees, and the public in general. As for WorkForce West Virginia, there's not a whole lot I can do anyway, the Art School still hasn't returned my enrollment artwork, and since the relative who was paying for the course won't back me up in demanding its return, that artwork is worthless to me, I don't care what happens to it.
Normally those kinds of setbacks would break a person, or force them to go beyond the limitation they've been dealt, and I think I've been sitting here trying to decide which way I want to go. After all my whining and complaining, I've decided that I want to voercome these obstacles and move on. I may not know how to do that yet, but I know I want to do it. My art means too much to me for me to let one ignorant second rate correspondence course art school poison my taste for creating. I'll just teach myself and send the school a "thank you for NOT helping me develop my art style." letter. As for getting a job, there really isn't anything I can do except keep applying for jobs as I see ones that my limited experience can handle. I can't afford formal education, I can't afford to look in other markets, all I can do is sit here and keep filling out applications until someone decides "let's give that guy a chance, he may surprise us." and hires me.
I have given some thought, actually a lot of thought, to other ways I could provide for myself, but they would be risky moves if I don't do them right. I've mentioned my photographs, which people tell me are pretty good (the jury is still out on them in my mind) which I could probably sell if I knew how to do it, and where to go. I'm a reasonable writer too, and have thought about putting that to some use, but I haven't quite figured out the logistics of doing it yet. I can also promote my artistic skill, only to a limited degree as I'm still polishing my own style. Those are things I can do well, but see little demand for them in my area. I have even thought of reaching out to the web and finding a way to telecommute or web base my own business using my skills as the core.
There is so much I want to be able to do, so much I want to experience, but I can't do that in my current state. I need a guarantee of income so that I can more easily put together something from my skill set and market it properly. The best way for me to go is to find a steady job and save up as much money as I can, then venture out on my own and try to make it with what I do well. If I had the resources roght now to really put myself in a good place, I would do it in a heartbeat, but I have to think in terms of realistic goals for the short term. Getting a job is the most important goal for me right now.
With my art at a standstill, I really need to put some time into it. I know where I want to be, where I should be at this stage of my art, and will have to work hard to get caught up to that point. It sounds ambitious for me, but I will take the time every day to draw now, like I should have been doing all along. That doesn't mean I'll be posting art right and left, I'm not so good at my pictures that I can do that yet, but I will post the ones I feel are improvements to my style and reflect sharpening of my skills. I think I'll set a goal of making one or two posts in a given period of time, but that goal will remain a secret to me for now, just to keep things interesting. If I can polish my style to the degree I want it by the end of this year, then I'll be happy with my accomplishments.
It's been a while since I really wrote like that, I'm surprised I even let myself anymore. It does feel good to know what direction I want to go, and hopefully I'll get there soon.
Comments:
o_O;
Anime Dreams!
| Picture Requests |
|---|
| Complete |
- Melfina (Outlaw Star), for Outlaw Melfina
- Duo Maxwell (Gundam Wing), for kout3uka
- Sanosuke (Rurouni Kenshin) for Caprice
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| Project Now Closed |
