Tuesday, May 27, 2008

John's Appendix Eplodes; Hilarity Does Not Ensue
hiiii every one ^^ i had to write my final essay for a class, and it had to b one about an interesting experience we went threw,and this is what i wrote, word for fucking word XD enjoy, im told its funny :

One day not to long ago, I had to go to the doctor. Just for the record, i hate doctors, and everything they stand for. This feeling of hosility is founded mainly on my severe fear of needles. I have always had this dreadful fear. But this time, for some unknown reason, i decided to face it. I was going to the doctors office, and it had been over a year since I've been there, so they where obviosly goning to do blood work. This fact mildy upset me.
We where driving to the clinic, when the pain i had been feeling in my guts for the past 3 or so days suddenly got a whole lot worse. It literally felt like someone stabbed me in the guts, andc twisted the knife around three times. I calmly informed my mother figure, who was "driving" at the time. ( i purpsefully put driving in quoteations, due to the fact that I never consider what my mom does on the road as driving) She immediatly freaks out, saying that there is a good chance that it's my appendix. Considering the circumstances, i react fairly well. I stay calm, as usual in panicky situations, and tell her to go to a medical facility. She readily agrees, and off we go.
We go to the hospital, and for leagal reasons i will not reveal this particular hospital's name. Although i must say, i was not thrilled at the custumer care they have inhabiting that place. Naturally my mother figure called my father figure, and explains everything, with obviouse exageration. By the time I arrive at the ER, my entire "family" knows, including second cousins and frends of the family. Even people i dont know, know of my horrible pain. Speaking of pain, this was most likely the worst pain in my pitiful life. You know how some people say emotional pian is worse? THEY ARE WRONG. Physical pain HURTS.
So, we get in, and of course wait in line, wait, wait, AT THE BACK OF THE LINE. Oh yes, I had to wait for Slappy and his ingrown toenail to be assisted before me. I am in extream pain mind you, and am considerally upset at the fact that I need to wait longer for someone to help me. My mother figure leaves, she had to go back to work, since she had no more sick days left, meaning i had to stay all alone at the hospital while i wait for my father figure to show up. While i was enjoying my own misery, a nurse took it upon herself to aproach me. She starts asking me questions. I describe the pain to her in a simmilar fashion as abovely stated. She had lets say, "limited English capabilities" as i think they probably picked her out of the water only minutes before I arrived at the facility.
Me : "It feels like someone stabbed me in my stomach, and twisted it around in my innerds! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE!?!
Wetback: ARE YOU SA-ING YOU GON-NA STABBA MEH??!
Me : N-no I didnt mean it like that...I was only trying to describe to you..
This nurse flees in terror, and goes around the corner and alks to this guy whom i assume is a higher ranking personel, and gets him to come over and talk to me. He glides over, and questions me, and i tell him the full story. Get this-- he tells me I need to be more careful about what i say, and NOT TO LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN. Filled with pain, I just agree, thinking that it will me get help faster. But oh no, we would have that, now would we?
It was TWO full hours and spare minutes before someone finaly decided that i needed medical attention. Then, they put me in a wheel chair, and my favorite nurse pushed me to a new place, telling everyone we passed " you know he tried to stab me.." and pionted at me everytime. I didnt even have the strenght to object to this. Not once. Then, at my new spot, doctors come and examen me, poke my aching tummy, and all sorts of doctor-y things that i dont care to remember. Now, they want to stick me with an IV. HA! I refuse, and say I'll gladly take the pain. they persist, and pester me about this for a solid 20 minutes, and, with my father's arival, they "presuade" me.
So there i was, with 2 nurses holding me down, and a giant male nurse takes out a needle, only slighly smaller than a PVC pipe, and walks toward me like he was going to stick THAT into ME.I found this funny at first, unknowing that it wasnt a joke. Well, ha-ha. They got it into me, and i scream like a female dog. Then, I felt a weird sensation in my arm. What i saw then, hasnt left my nightmares since. This guy was moving the needle around, while it was inside my arm. Moving, like side-to-side. I question his actions, ( and his sexulity, and his mothers) only to find that he " missed my vein" SO, this nurse, had probably attended to oh, lets say 500-75 people that day. BEFORE ME. And, having all that practice, he messed up on ME! An hour after that, I finally let it go,and the head doctor on my problem came to speak with us. He looks at my file thingy, or at least pretends to, and says that my appendix is infact intact, and not exploding, but only slightly ruptured. Those where his exact words. I dont really remember what happend next to well, but i can tell you it was pleasent, for the loveable doc gave me morphine. The next dayand a half I can bearly remember, but i can safely say it consisted mainly of me siting in my room, yelling at the nurses for more morphine. I have what most would consider a "addictive personality". After that, i went home, and they switched me to some other drug, witch is supposedly easier to get off of.

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