Sunday, November 30, 2008

just fucking read it...its everything i am today and more
this is different.
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Life


ok. i dont usually like to post a blog like this, for i like to keep my thoughts to myself. but i think with this.....it should b documented. iono

fuck it lets write



well i dont remember anything from more than 4 years ago. actually its three, but i just remember bits and pieces of my freshmen year. but mostly i remember nothing other than that. anything b4 my freshie year....i cannot remember. or maybe its just that i dont want to. i dont know. and i dont really care

freshem year i came to southwest with absolutely no friends. it was a new school, and i knew absolutely no one in it. it was a fresh start, now that i look bak. i wish i treated it like one. i wish i was like i am now bak then...oh well tho.

i was extremely antisocial. outside of our GLD class, i talked to no one. actually, i was pretty much the opposite, personality wise. i listened to nothing but country music, i was drug free, i was gullable ( ok mabe that hasnt changed) i was untrusting.....actually i resembled that kid that would kill evryone in the class one day

i was like that all year. that summer, i went to some kind of vocational class, where i got my bookbag for the next two years lol i spent my summer inbetween that and taekwondo.

the next year, where my memery starts, i was alittle better. i still was chubby. i wore glasses....and i always had a sweater on lol

i started opening up for a while. i had my first real relationship in my teakwondo class. she was cool....i lost my virginity to her. she cheated on me, and i went into depression.....she dumped me too. haha

i started overdosing on adderall excessively. ritalin to. this was the second lowest ive been in my life. the first i have never told a soul about. i probly never will. i become suicidal. i tryed to drown myself in my lake. i couldnt go through with it though...thank god

then my teacher, Ms. Shah started talking to me. she lost her brother when she was 8. we connected to a certain level i think...i got my sence of humor bak late in that year.

unfortunently, i was still very anti social. i still knew only like 20 people in my school. 20 people in general actually lol

well....that summer i changed. i woke up one day...and i was a different person. i have no idea what happend, and i dont really care. i havent thought about it, but it was like my personality flipped. i became who i am now. well, mostly.

i became more social, and more....happy

it was then i realized my love for music, and my love for everything else as well. i love everytrhing and everyone lol

i started listening to rock more often.....now i listen to everything.

um my junior year. lets see. that was the year i went out with breigh, and then kitty. haha both relationships fell through unfortunently. i found that i deal with things so much differently now. when i lost them, i was ok with it. i have a new source of indifference...nothing upsets me anymore. no kidding, i could get up rite now, walk into my living room, and find my mother brutally murdered with blood everywhere, and not have it affect me in the slightest. no one but me knows how true this statement is. this doesnt just go for my mother, but for everyone i know and care about.

junior year, i met my friends that i have now. my relationship with ET had started to resemble something of what it is now. i met taylor, and brandon, and everyone else i kno. and then i met........weed

i started smoking like there was no tomarrow....witch to me, there wasnt. live for now. everything in life is ment to teach u a lesson. my brother dying taught me to live for the second, and that there may very well not be any future at all. it just took me a long time to realize that.

over the summer, i smoked so much. exspecially near the end. me and et saw each other everyday. we smoked everyday. i dont regret even one second of that summer. that was the most amasingtime of my life. that was the summer i lived. i became a part of TTC. i will die TTC lol et knows wut to do when i die.

i read the book sidartha. it changed my spiritual life forever. i became a univerasal utaian. i still am. probly will b forever.

then...this year. wow. this year is fucking............insane. i found that i still hated myself. this was pretty much like 60% of the reason i smoked at all. and the more i thought about myself, as a person, the more i smoked. this year was when i got into tobaco products. cigs were amasing. i want one now. then, there was the black and milds. god, i could do some good tricks with those. but, i had no control whatsoever. i would smoke till i had nothing left.

i had nothing to stop me, so i didnt. well...one day on the way to Et's house, i saw a girl walkingdown the street...i wondered who she was.

Et gave her my aim and myspace[i think] and we chatted once inna while.......

then, my family lost our healthcare. i wasnt even aware anything was happening, since my parents believe in keeping me in the dark. they suprised me, and picked me up from school one day and took me to the doctor and had me drug tested. i came out positive.

i ended up getting kicked out of my house. i lived with et. this...was a week of revelation. again lol. it hit me, that i cold make it on my own. and i loved being away from my house so much...i still hate this place. i cant wait to get out of here. anyways...ets mom was so nice. et to. i will never forget how they took me in when i need help the most. i hope i can repay them someday.

while i wsas living there, i met this girl. she was so shy though. i didnt think much of her, i was busy courting another girl at the time. she came out one night, and she just stood there, like an outcast in the padio. in text, she was funny and kinda giddy and...more social. i thought, wow shes just some quiet person in real life huh? lol

well.....i talked to her more. Et's mom is wut really pushed us i think haha

Et kept on telling me that this girl liked me, but that she was weird

hes no help at all -_-'

well. i fell in love with this girl. i have no idea how. i knew though, when i was laying next tot this girl, and she was looking into my eyes. i saw how beautiful she was, and that her eyes were INSANE! i knew nothing about her really....but as i was looking at her, just absorbig her image...i thought, wow....i could really fall in love with this girl. and then....i did. from that night, i have loved her.

lol i quit tobaco. mostly cuz i smoked so much one day that i got a cold sore on my lip and couldnt kiss her. that pissed me off [ not really but..u kno me] so...i quit.



i wrote this on the first day i didnt get to see her since we got togeather <3 i love her so much. i really believe that shes my soul mate. i never knew that some other person could change my view on everything so fast, at such an intensity, that i am really left speachless.

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