Tuesday, June 19, 2007

TT^TT
Not that anyone cares right now, but I'm completely depressed and feel like crying. But like usual, I don't know how. Usually when I cry, I have to force it, and only one single tear comes out. I can never let my feelings out into the real world. No one would ever understand. Never. That's why all my true feelings are almost always bottled up inside my head, never dissapating. Maybe that's why, when I laugh, I cry at the same time. That way no one ever really knows I'm a pain. No one does. That's what makes me alone, it seems nothing can show them what's really happening with my life. That's why all my friends have drifted apart from me. That's why I'm always ignored during the summer, spring break, winter breaks, weekends, everything. I'm completely cut off from all my "friends" unless I go and talk to them. Do you know how depressing that is? My whole world is a complete lie and no one in (physical) contact with me cares if I'm even there. Even in my own house, I'm looked down upon. If I ask a really obvious question that isn't obvious to ME, they look at me like I'm retarded. If I screw up on something, they practically throw daggers at me! All of them just don't get me! None of them! If I have a mental breakdown, and my parents see it, they don't exactly CARE. They think I'm having a "temper tantrum" and that I need to grow up. They even tell me to grow up! They tell me to stop crying and being whiney and get my work done! How can they never see it?! How can they be so oblivious to the fact that I'm lost in darkness?! I mean, come on, they've rarely seen me cry or even say "ow" so how in God's name can they think that me literally on the ground in a fetal position crying is NORMAL!?!? NO ONE EVER SEES ANY OF MY SORROW!! THEY THINK EVERYTHING IS FINE AND THAT THERE IS NOTHING WRONG! EVERYONE BELIEVES THE FAKE SMILE AND LAUGH I PUT ON EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE AND THEY CAN'T SEE IT! NO ONE EVER SEES IT! NOT EVEN MY ONLY BLOOD RELATIVE, MY BROTHER! AND THAT'S NOT EVEN "BLOOD RELATIVE!" HE'S GENETICALLY ONLY MY HALF BROTHER, AND I HAVE NO ONE IN THIS WORLD I CAN CALL A REAL "FAMILY"!! MY BIRTH MOM LEFT ME WITH THE PARENTS I HAVE RIGHT NOW, AND THEY SUCK AT THE JOB! I'M SITTING HERE BROKEN INTO A MILLION PIECES AND ARE TOO BLIND TO SEE IT! I HAVE NO BLOOD RELATIVES, AND THE WOMAN THAT GAVE BIRTH TO ME DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME. SHE WENT OFF AND MADE A FAMILY, NEVER WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED TO ME NOR MY LITTLE BROTHER. SHE'S OUT THERE, BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE. EVERY ASPECT OF THIS DAMNED LIFE IS A COMPLETE LIE AND I HATE IT SO MUCH! I DON'T BELONG ANYWHERE IN THIS WORLD! I WISH I COULD JUST DISAPPEAR OFF THE FACE OF THIS LIVING HELL AND NEVER RETURN! I KNOW I'M NOT WELCOME HERE, BY NEITHER HUMAN, ANIMAL, OR EVEN GOD! MAYBE I SHOULD JUST DIE RIGHT NOW AND GET IT OVER WITH SINCE THAT'S THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE! I HIGHLY DOUBT I'M EVEN HUMAN OR EVEN ANY KIND OF ANIMAL! I'M JUST SOME BROKEN SOUL WITH A LITTLE PUPPET THAT I CAN MOVE AT MY WILL. I DON'T FEEL I'M EVEN LIVING ANYMORE! I FEEL AS IF I'M JUST SOME SPECTATOR OF SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE, SINCE I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO LIVE IN FIRST-PERSON! AND EVERYDAY I'M ASKED IF I'M EXCITED TO GO TO JAPAN, ALLS I CAN DO IS SHRUG BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANYMORE REAL EMOTIONS LEFT OTHER THAN DESPAIR. NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I FEEL THAT "GOING TO JAPAN" WILL NEVER HAPPEN. I FEEL I'LL SOMEHOW JUST DROP DEAD BEFORE ANYTHING CAN MAKE ME TRULY REACH MY DREAMS! DAYS GO BY AND I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT JUST KILLING MYSELF, OR WANTING TO DIE IN SOME HORRIBLE ACCIDENT! I CAN'T STOP MYSELF FROM GETTING THE URGE TO JUST RUNAWAY FOREVER! EVEN IF THAT MEANS I HAVE TO DESTROY MY HEART ON THE WAY! EVEN IF THAT MEANS I HAVE TO LEAVE THE ONLY PERSON THAT I TRULY CARE FOR! EVEN IF I HAVE TO LEAVE THE THINGS THAT SAVED ME FROM ALL THIS FOR SUCH A LONG TIME! I JUST WANT TO RUNAWAY FOR GOOD AND NEVER RETURN, LEAVING THIS AS MY FINAL TESTAMENT OF MY ACTUAL FEELINGS! TO LEAVE, TO FIND A PURPOSE OF LIVING, TO FIND EMOTIONS, TO FIND UNDERSTANDING, TO FIND A FAMILY, THOSE ARE MY REAL DREAMS! THOSE FAKE ONES I SAY..."I WANT TO BE AN AUTHOR!" "I'M GOING TO BE A GREAT MANGA-KA SOME DAY!" THEY'RE ALL LLLLLLLLIIIIIIIEEEEESSSS!!! LIES! THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT, THE CLOSER I GET TO JUST DISAPPEARING FROM EVERYONE'S LIVES FOREVER!!!!!!

~She who has no real soul~
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