Sunday, December 16, 2007

Extremely Large Update
Well, I'm here I guess...
...
Since my absence I've seemed to have missed quite a lot, like how VV is going, and what's up with all my friends. :[ I'm really sorry I just disappeared and when I said I'd enter a contest, I didn't. I was extremely busy and stuff. And during that absence, something happened to pp444...what exactly. @_@ I'm extremely confused.

But what's even worse about coming back and not knowing what is even going on, is that I lost a really good friend. Neko.Lover has seemed to deleted me from her friends list. ;-; And she was one of my closest friends on here....it makes me want to cry.

Of course, I totally want to glomp every last one of you who didn't dismiss me as a friend for being absent and are reading this post right at this moment. :'] You guys are the bestest ever in the whole wide world.

The reason I have been absent for EXTREMELY long periods of time...

1)
For one, high school has been giving me homework I'm not doing until the very last minute so my parents have restricted my computer access. (Though, I still get about ten minutes to sneak onto it every other day, lol)

2)
Two...I've kinda become obsessed with gaiaonline at the moment. :| Idk what it is, but I just keep playing it more and more. It's really weird. I can't believe I've already 20 REAL bucks on the place. And all they are is ban-happy. -_-;; They ban anyone from hacking other people's accounts, to LITIRALLY banning someone who bought a stolen item without knowing it. It's becoming ridiculous. Seriously. The Mods just have to keep defending themselves when they ban innocent people.

3)
I've been have troubles lately. A lot of them. I'm gonna rant on under this...

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I'm so very empty at the moment, I really don't know what to think about it. Just the other day, I was just about ready to run away the next day. (Of course, I didn't, and I'm not going to) Want to know why? Well, if you don't, deal with it.

I don't know how long ago this was, but my mom was stressed out talking over the phone about house our lakehouse had flooded because of that really huge storm. She told me to do something, which I didn't do for the fact I had no idea what the HELL she was saying.
Then, awhile later she found I didn't do said thing, and when she was walking to the kitchen I could hear her say, "These kids are just worthless," I got really upset at that and went to my room and broke down.
Now, it seems as though that's something really small to get all worked-up about, but it isn't to me. It's a gigantic deal. I've never said this to anyone or ever posted it, but it's the thing that scares me most. It's my one and only fear. Rejection. Being of no use. It's the only fear I have ever really had. That one simple sentence literally broke my soul to pieces. And that coming from my MOM?! That made it even worse. I broke down on the floor in my room, and I can swear on the Holy Bible, that after feeling my heart shatter, it took me probably an entire hour to finally get back onto my feet.
My soul had gotten so screwed up by that, that it seems I can't really do simple activities right anymore. It hurts so much right now, I almost can't take it, but since I'm so used to it, I bearly feel it anymore.

My soul is just plain shattered, at times, mostly in school, I go around doing everything I normally do, yet I can feel it. I can feel how empty I am. While I walk to my classes nowadays, I can feel my soul slip away, because my eyes glaze over with no focus. Not only that, but I just don't think. Literally. I'm just walking through the halls with bearly a thought in mind. It's scary, but no one seems to notice how empty and soulless my stares and smiles are.

And another problem. Great. How many more do I have you ask? Want to know my answer? Well, I really don't know. I have so many troubles and problems right now I can't even count them all, so I'll just put down the basic ones in a nice neat list for you:

1~
Going to Ja-san's youth-group every wednsday. (More like Ja-san in general...)

All it does is make me even more depressed than I already am, but I also don't believe it anymore. I DO believe in God, I KNOW there's a God--but I just don't believe in Christianity anymore. I find most of it false. I've made my own religion pretty much, with spells, enchantments, morals, and everything just for myself. It'll never be written down for it is in my heart. I'm frightened at what would happen if I just stopped going to the youth-group and Ja-san asked why. What would I say? "Oh, I don't believe in Christianity anymore, I'm into a different religion which is all about being an outcast and practicing spells." Besides, even if I got the courage to say that, I wouldn't. It's one of the only bonds I have left with him. We've been fading apart so fast, I haven't even been able to say goodbye.

2~
Everybody I know

Everyone is so very distant. More like...I'm distant. Why is it that whenever something good happens in my life, everything else just turns to hell? Ja-san for instance. The start of the year we were very close, but now, I'm nothing but vapor. I hate it so much. Whenever I try to let my feelings out onto someone, something always gets in the way.
No one ever seems to detect when I'm sad or depressed, most of the time they don't even seem to care. All the friends I thought I'd finally be able to keep were stolen by other groups of people to where I'm left all alone. Whenever I disappear or am home from school, no ever bothers to find me, or even wonder where I am. If I was there, it wouldn't make a difference to them. I've seen what they are like without me. They don't care I'm gone, they don't care that I exist, they don't even bother to know what is bugging me. Even Acacia, who I thought would be my friend forever, has abandoned me.

There is one good thing that has come out of this--I've found peace. I know what my purpose on this earth is. My destiny is to never belong anywhere in this entire world. I am just here to be temperary friends of people until they find their true place. I was never placed here to be happy, and I've accepted that. Sometimes I just breakdown and ask "Why me?" but I can feel how at peace I am in my broken soul.

To belong is to have at least one person to which you can tell anything and everything to, and who can tell when you're happy, sad or angry. But in my entire life, I have never had anyone like that, and I believe it's going to be staying that way by an invisible force.

I'm the destined lost soul whos only purpose is to guide others to their rightful places.

Thanks for reading this post, if anyone even cared to read it. :']

~Haley



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