Saturday, January 29, 2005

Behind the eyes: a childs philosophy.
I call this "a child's philosophy" because I held this idea/belief ever since I was 6 years old. Still stands strong today. Scary how a six-year old can puzzel physicians. "The mind of a child is truly a wonderful thing" Yoda from Star Wars. Though it has grown quite a bit since I grew up.

On my past article of perception and reality, you know that I don't really have much faith in the belief that the sentiate being that occupies the elements that make up my physical form are actually the me in the psychological sense. It just seems illogical that something so rediculessly complex as a single human psyche can be contained in a few pounds of carbon that isn't even really connected to itself. Yes, I am implying the existance of a soul.

I first started the base for this philosophy that I have yet to explain when I was really little. I had never really paid any attention to the perspective that I had to view society. First-person only existed in videogames until I started to recollect my dreams.

An oddity indeed is that a very large sum of my dreams takes place in third person, as if I were perceiving myself in my dream from an outside source, yet able to control all of my actions as if they were in first person.

As a child, I reallly couldn't accept this and move on. I wondered why it was in some dreams I was seeing things through my eyes, but in others it was in third-person. I began to think of stuff like "am my another persons dream through their view?". It was then I acknowledged that other people see the world in first-person through their own perspective, and not from mine in a third-person view.

Add on about a year of television and being somewhat dis-respected by my two older siblings, and with a few fits of depression I began to wonder a very critical question to this idea of mine: "Why me?". I wondered what other people thought when they would do stuff, what they were seeing.

I also wondered why I was stuck in this body right now, and not another one. Before I grew into the faith I currently have today, this brought on the idea of re-incarnation as another being. I thought that this body I was in, when I would die, would go into another body and continue from there without any memory of previous times. But I have long since abandoned that belief.

As time grew on, I incorperated time into my wonders. All I could ever remember as a small child is that life for me suddenly started at the age of about 4. It seemed like I had just woken up one day to be me. I would hear about John in the Bible, the slaves of ancient egypt, and the early comedians of the 1950s.

This only increased my wondering from "why me?" To "Why me, and why now?". I never really understood why I am not in the perspective of an egyption slave, of a tribal Indian, of Albert Einstein, or from the younger brother of a friend of mine in kindergarten. I had to be concious and existing att THIS time, in THIS person, with THESE physical limitations, and no real excuse as to why other than "it just happened that way".

I also soon wondered about the conciousness of other people around me. If they were really thinking, or if they were just existing and I was seeing them through my eyes. "I think, therefore I am".

I soon accepted the complexities of other people and realized that most of them atleast are sentiate beings.

I still today wonder exactly why I am this physical description in this family at this location at this point in time, and not something else. I also wondered exactly who was that "something else". I mean, they were a person, so there had to have been something seeing the world through their eyes at that time, right? I don't feel like a human. I feel like I am sitting in a vessel involuntarily. I can feel these limitations that I wish to surpass.

If there IS an explanation for why I am who I am, anyway. Could die in three seconds and find out it "just happened".

If you've ever been on "substances" and/or really tired and have ever looked at your hand and examined it as if it wasn't a part of you, then you probably know perfectly well how I feel about my entire body.



Plus also I am trying to figure out how to get that {bgproperties=fixed} tag onto the site so my background doesn't scroll and wonder around when you look through my stuff.

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