Friday, May 19, 2006

   holy shit i havn't posted in a while
wow it's been a long time.okay here's the quick update.

t-bow and i started going back out 02-14-06.... lol i moved back in with my mom and dad.

okay.now let's get to the more...er...interesting part...

t-bow is leaving for full sail in 2 1/2 months maybe,and i'm really starting to freak out. I know it's selfish of me,but i want him to stay here,or to go with him.i don't know if any one of you know's this but not only is he my boyfriend, he's my best friend.(t-bow i really hope your reading this)he's the one person who's been there even when i let him down,when i hurt him, and through all the trials i've been through.he's been there for me.he's the one person who's provided me with the support i needed to help me stand on my own two feet.after what happened between us, i thought that i had lost him forever,but he stuck by me . i know that he wasn't there and still isn't alot of the times I'm upset or alot of the times that i need him. but he's a good hearted person and is always there for his friends.i know why he put's me aside,and i'm okay with that.sure every time i cry ....everytime i need some one....he's allways off with mike or going to mikes....and yes each time i do wish that for once he would be there for me....to hold me and tell me it's okay.....in essince to calm my fears... but i know that he's off doing something for some one else....and each time i get over it .... i know that i can't tell him i need him to be there for me because i know that he already has alot on his plate.i don't want to put too much preasure on him because i don't want him to stress over my little problems...you know??

there was a time i would question him everytime he said he loved me ....only because he was always off with one friend or another....but i realized that he is because they need him more than me .... I would do anything to make him happy....to make him smile.... even if that ment that if he found another girl to love ....i would just tell him i was fine with it....because i would do anything to make him happy... i would put on a fake smile...hide the tears for that moment and tell him i was happy for him......when he get's married i plan to be there....to tell him congradulations and that i was happy for him....even if it isn't me he chooses....i'll be happy for him........i know that most...if not all of his friends hate me ....but i'm fine with that.....i can take the verble abuse....i can take it....because i've been taking it sence i can remember.... from my mom and dad.....from almost everyone in my family.... alot of people don't know that as a chiled i was saverly abused....phisicly,mentaly,and verbaly..... so i'm use to it....i can stick up for my self....
but i don't want to cause problems for t-bow and his friends ....so i keep quiet....

although all of this is true....that still doesn't make me any less afraid of being alone...or hurt....and when i say hurt....i meen .....hurt as in you love some one and give every your everything to them and they tell you it won't work hurt....and i thought that if t-bow was going to school to do what he wants to do i could go to school and start learning about what i want to do....but it hurt so much when he said that if i did that....our relationship wouldn't work..... i don't know how to express to him how i feel......i just end up saying it's nothing when he askes what's wrong.... it's because i don't want him getting pissed at me....and i don't want him to have more on his plate....

the thing is...i understand what he's saying..... we will be far away from each other...but ....he knows as well as i do that i will be writing letters to him every day....and emailing him and possible iming him when i see him online....

it's just so hart to stop from crying right now.....i know it's stupid....but i realized 2 days ago....that i can't hold on to him forever....but i want to hold on to him as long as i can....even if it ends up hurting me more in the end .....if it meens that he'll be happy WITH me for that much longer than i'm willing to take on the pain.

it's kinda like they say.....it has to get worse befor it get's better?? or that you have to give some thing up to gain something??? it's like that......if we end...i know that i will always love him....because he was my first true love ....and he was the one who showed me what love felt like.....i know that there will always bee that little pain in my heart....but i'll be happy that he's happy.... and if i end up giving up going to school for cosmatology for him....i'll be happy.....but i'll be poor which in turn will make it harder to get by in this money hungry world.....

anyway enough of my senseless rambling ....

sorry if this bored you to death

i love you all

-C-


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