Saturday, July 8, 2006

   Florida Vacation
Well atm i'm in Luesiana(spl) driveing back to Texas. I'll be back by sunday night. It was a fun week. Went to Disney world; Animal Kingdem(spl), MGM, And Epcot. Epcot was by far the best, AK was also great i loved them both and at epcot in the japan section i got some spiffy stuff, mostly food, but some plushies too. AK was great cause it was full of cute animals and it was edumecational. MGM though was ok but rather boreing, prolly more b/c they haven't changed mch since the last 5 years since we went last. We were planing on going to univeral but on the day we planed, Wednesday, we were all so tired we slept in too long. On this trip it was my parents and a friend of my moms from work who happened to be my same age w/ a child. She came casue she recently seprated from her husband. the child was 7 and as far as i know had a fun time there, yeahshe had him young, really young.
The only problem i had was at the parks, i felt soo alone, idk why, maybe its jsut my depression, or maybe my biological clock. i feel like i should be going to that place w/ my own kids by now not still w/ my parents. i'm only 21 but still...my moms friend was also 21, had a degree, a job, and a child. *sigh* idk it was fun, but also an eye wakener. it hurts, but it a hollow pain. I've always known that i'd be alone, and childless. Its all self pitty, but thats all i have, meh. i've never been one to show my emotions in person, So it feels good to vent here, although noone cares, lol. mahwell. i g/g so i'll see ya'll sunday, and be back to comments since i'l be bored again:P
Lts
Cycon
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Monday, June 19, 2006

   Bored
Weeeeee!!!....I'm bored outa my mind....Weeeee!!!!!
I hate my present situation, (aka life). But if you kock yourself out, you won't know you hate it.
*randomly knocks self out*
oh and..um...more Weeeeees 'n stuf!




PS...i didn't make out w/ chris, nor did i want to. I think i have higher standereds then someone like him. K just wanted to despell som negative feelings 'n stuff:)
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Wednesday, June 14, 2006

contimplateing
You know how ppl always tell you, "that for ppl to like you, you have to like oneself." Well i find that to be total crap and not one bit of help. what does that mean...to find good things about oneself..bah how are you suppose to find them? I only know things that i hate about myself. Because that's all i know, i hate myself! But even when i force myself to find the good, it feels so empty. I guess it just doesn't work that way. And all the ppl who say it does just don't get it. What i think it is, if it could happen, is when you hear someone say they like you for the first time, and actually mean it. Then maybe you can forgive yourself. Maybe when someone accepts you, for the first time, maybe you can begain to forgive yourself, just a little. Then we can face our fears, w/ courage.
But such a possiblity is hard to find, becasue most ppl are concrend only for themselfs, and i know i'm guilty of it too. What everyone needs is just someone to tell them thier worth something, and it only takes a little effort, listening is a big one. To listen to someone, maybe just to talk about thier problems, makes them feel worth something, someone actually cares about that person and what thier feeling. I know it sounds hard, and i know i'm guilty of brushing off ppl too. but such a small thing can mean a whole lot to ppl. Someone actually cares if thier there. I can see why ppl will skip out on this, casue everyone has thier own stressers, and by hearing someone elses, you may gain more stressers then what you had before, and everyone wants to excape as many as they can.
So much in this world is done to have someone aknolage the other. Maybe if you aknolage one person, you'll get aknolaged in return, told your worthsomething, that there is good in you.
All this is just my thoughts, pls if you have any yourself leave a comment, i like to read them:P
Cycon
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Monday, June 12, 2006

   I feel bad
I tried to say things that would reveal how i feel. But then it turned out too long, and noone wants to read nothing but drawn out sentances that only make sence to me. I've done so much this past few days, some good some bad, but as always i only easily remeber the bad. So to make a long post short. i just want to say sorry, sorry to all. There are a great many things i could apologise for, so if you think i didn't notice your displeasure, i did. It may not have been at that exact moment with enough time to fix it, but eventually I knew, alomst always right after or dureing, but too shy and proud to admit it. If i could i would say it to everyones face, but that would be too long, and i don't want to creap anyone out even more then i most likely have. I'm just a fool, with the mentality younger then most, and many would vouch for that. So please, i mean not to offend and as always i have nothing but the best intentions, i'm just too socially awkward to express them adequately. And even now, as awkward as this post is, I am sorry. I only post this because so much has happend, i feel guilty, and i wish everyone could be happy again.
Thanks for reading my mumbles:\
Cycon
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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

   A-con
Well at seth's party some arrangments were made for a room for A-con, in exchange for some money and me driveing some peeps up to it. unfortunitly i have the worst memeory ever and i don't remeber whom i made them with...yes i have a short attention/memorie span. well if it was thou that i made said plans w/ pls pm/aim/contact me in anyway. oh and on that note, my rents have put the cost of me driveing up there to be $18-20, per person, for gass moneies. I would have asked for less but as my parents are paying for said car and gass, i dun have much choice in the matter:\. I hope it doesn't put a damper on your plans. All said and done, I am very very very apprecaitive of the ppl who have offred thier room to such a person as me, lol. well those who have made these arangments pls don't hessate to contact me. i'd put more contact info but due to recently getting outa collage i have multiple ppl tring to get my private lines to get bills paid..lol. just ask sethos for any contact info, thank ye:D
Cycon
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Saturday, May 27, 2006

   dun know why...
well i have no reason to post anything, but here goes nothing...








danm i wrote a lot, it'll take you atleast an hour to read all i put; its in really small print. not that nay of you care what i put here anyway..lol, well ltr
Cycon
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Sunday, May 21, 2006

   I made a poopie!
well if you haven't heard as of yet, i am no longer a sub. yes it makes me sad, the most easiest of jobs has been lost, well its the end of the year anyway so not much was lost, but still sad. Com Arts students got me in trouble for doing what i useally do at Taft. i guess they just dun have the meturity to be able to do work w/o me saying do it all day, un like taft. I got in trouble casue they were off task...i guess w/ smart kids you have to loom over them to do work...how should i have known. At taft I useally tell them the work and they did it, most of the time w/o me saying so much as be quite, i always had something to turn in for the teacher, and the teachers loved it. Unfrotunitly apprently being smart doesn't equal the maturity to do things on onesself, that or they've been babied their whole life. I went to a smart school, if you know me you know which one, and i never had to have to be told to stay on task, i might have talked more w/ a sub but i still did my work. idk, maybe i gave them too much credit for being "the smart kids" at taft. If you ask me, they maybe smart, but in the real world they are gonna flunk unless they learn what you have to do w/ the littlest of proding...if i was suppose to teach something then yes i'd understand but this was easy easy work...just sit down and watch a freaken movie. but w/e i guess my days as a sub are gone. if you go to taft...you have the com arts kids to thank for loseing "the cool sub". so happy days
Oh and if you can't guess w/ the lose of the job i now have no money i can spend, its being saved, or spent on bills. sorry but the Cycon bank of saveings and loans is now closed for business. again..thanks the commies:P
well ltr days guys. i now have free time up my ass till i find a new job:\
Cycon
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Friday, May 12, 2006

   Becoming Weaker; is it th body or soul?
A voice that isn't heard...
A wish that is unfulfilled...
Just quietly closeing ones soul...
Fighting the darlness...
Trying the soul...
Liveing a life of regret...
Caged and chained...
Locked away from the outside world
Left to live in the darness that consumes you
"everyone hates you!"
"You should die!"
Things said that could be done without...
What reason is there left to live with this curse?
I see no end to the darkness in my heart...
No end to the suffering I'm condemned to
So why?



Its been a very very bad week, so much has happends i wouldn't know where to start. but at the moment i just feel like shit...Sethos if ya read this i'm not trying to ignore your calls or anything, i just don't want to talk to anyone atm w/ how i feel. i don't like ppl seeing me this way and i don't have the energy to put a smile on my face and pretend everything is great like useual. Atm i just want to be alone, nothing against you or anyone else thats tried to call me. i just prefer to stay home then bring others around me down. i'll still give ya the ride on Sat. if you want casue it was planed in advance. but atm i don't want to bring anyone else down.
Cycon
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Monday, May 8, 2006

   In Trouble
well idk if i'll be haveing my sub jub much longer...got a call today from the cordinator at human resosrced=bad bad thing. well now i have to meet w/ her and some human resourse guy. idk why, what have i done...most everyone loves when i sub for thier class and i get calls from taft almost everyday:(...all i can think of is the one day i worked in Com. Arts. that or my friend's mom found out i give rides to him when he misses the buss...she dun like me much..long story-.- i'm kinda freaken out, but if they fire me, it'll suck yeah but this wan't a life job thank goodness. well ima go b/f i freak out more..lol
Ltr days
Cycon
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Tuesday, May 2, 2006

shotrs
tday i srated a new dru fo my scknes, it comprised of two shots, ne in the arse and one in the soulder. sice 1am tis orning i've been passed out on my bed ith the biggest fucking headake ever. lie a migrane from hell but i can actually sleep through it, althugh it feels like don't have a coice. im barely up atm as it is, and prlly go back to bed casue the worlds spinning and its blurry as fuck...dear good i want to die atm. y parents said it should help w/ y problms as did my dr, but i thik its makeing them 100x worse, and the god dan phone won't stop rining. blac i think ima throw u me sleep no bye
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