Saturday, June 3, 2006

Blurgh
Well, my debut post was about VORE, so let's see if I can make a second post less... erotic.

I just returned from quite possibly the slowest night of my life. It was my Aunt Vicky's 80th birthday. Now, let me tell you what I know about my Aunt Vicky - she's my aunt, and she's 80. That's about all I know. I've got no memory of ever meeting her prior to tonight and forget how she's related to me. But she was turning 80, and I heard there was going to be free food, so I decided I might as well tag along (Read: forced to go)

Now, the party was being held in my Uncle Bobby's restaurant. Bobby has a really, really nice restaurant, tended too by some rediculously hot women, and with some of the best burgers and fries in Montreal. He'd recently done some rennovations (Read: Rebuilt the place from the ground up), so I was anxious to see what had become of the place. It was, very, very nice.

Now, before we go any further, let me explain to you something about my Uncle Bobby - he's an asshole. I mean, a real jerk off. He's also an idiot - he once got really drunk at my granddads cottage and tried to swim across the lake, but that's another (Hilarious) story. As such, I was not much looking forward to see Bobby, but I figured it'd be worth putting up with him for the food.

Ok, my plan was to go there for an hour or two, cash in on the free food, get some cake, say happy birthday to Aunt Vicky, and get the hell out of there. Obviously, that didn't happen. We live about an hour away from Bobby's restaurant, and I was forced to listen to my sister's shitty music the whole way (For some reason, she has a birthright to the controle of the music in our car... all the time. Again, another post...)

When we got there, I quickly realised that all would not go as planned. I think the biggest clue I had was that, when we got there, the food was not set out. Ok, I figured, maybe they're just waiting for everyone to get here and they'll let us eat after that... wrong!

I met my Aunt Vicky - she was looking ever bit of an 80 year old - and exchanged greetings. She gave me a very awkward kiss on the cheek - I'm about twice her size, so I had to bend waaaaaaaay down, and she still had to get on her toes - and I didn't see her again for another few hours.

I knew maybe 5 people in the entire gathering - and it was quite a gathering - so I didn't have much to do. Eventually, my other aunt and uncle - the ones I actually know - showed up, with my granddad in tow. Let me tell you something about my aunt Isabelle - she is one of the single hottest women on the planet... and she's also incredibly nice. She's not related by blood (Although that would be incredibly erotic...) so it's not 'eww' or anything, but let's just say I spent most of my time stareing at her ass.

I spent about 20 or 30 minutes talking to incredibly obscure relatives of mine (Most of the conversations consisted of "You're much bigger than whe I last met you.") and complaining about the lack of food. I likes me some food. Eventually we just went downstairs to the actual restaurant and ordered a burger and some fries, which were delecious.

Finally, the food was served - it was a buffet of chicken-stuffed-with-ham, ham, potatoes, and pork. I ate heartily!

Than I stood around for another hour or so, asking where the cake was. After a while, a really neat old-time swingers band showed up - there were 5 old guys playing a cool drum set, a huge bass (Think of a really big Chello), a bango, a clarinet, a trumpet, and a trombone. They were rather awesome, and it was fun to see the old people dancing and having a good time. But it still wasn't cake.

After a while, our family collectivly said 'fuck the cake, let's go,' and left early. We were tired anyways. What I had meant to be a 1-hour "Eat Till I Drop-fest" turned into a 5-hour "Wait Around and Stare and hot Ass-fest," which is pretty good in retrospect.

Well, that's my day's tale... it sucked pretty bad, but, whatever. Least schools almost over...
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