Thursday, January 8, 2004

Random Dan C Lucking Trivia, 8-1-2003
Today was great. Fantastic even. And quite Random at times.

I've probably spent the least time in my room (and hence on the net) than any other day (in Sheffield) in the last month or so.

Food time was getting to the point where it was a case of I'd come out for food, then disappear vack into my room. Sometimes tried to make conversation, but it normally only entailed a few sentences each way before I was off again into my room.

Today, for a start we had TT for the second time this term- and it was great. The teaching part would probably have meant more to me if I wasn't so damn tired. Still, praise God for Nick, who woke me up this morning despite not having to. Otherwise I would have walked into TT late and felt an idiot.

The "engage" part was great. I prayed for Chris and.. stuff I said made sense, and was insightful. It was kind of exactly what he needed to hear.

That's easily my most prominent gifting of the holy spirit. The ability to say things which, to me mean barely a thing, but to the person I'm talking to, it can leave them in a profound kind of shock.

However, there are times when I try too hard. I try to hear something, rather than let it come, and end up coming out with rubbish on successive occasions, leaving me frustrated.

I can personally think of one person- who probably reads this- whom I try far too hard to "say the right things" for. It just doesn't work like that for me. And I'm sorry for subjecting you to that rubbish- not that everything I said to you was rubbish- but a lot of it was just me trying to help for some.. bizarre reason, as though I wasn't really fulfilling myself unless I did so.

Anyway. I'm over the whole trying too hard thing. I just hope I didn't do too much harm.

And when Chris prayed for me (before I did for him), he gave a few scripture passages which were immensely helpful.

Which, to a random person, probably doesn't seem a lot different from what I did- but it kind of was.

Chris used Scriptures he was familiar with in order to encourage me. Because he was familiar with the passages- something I find myself becoming less at the moment.

I, however, didn't so much give him words of knowledge, saying "I think this is what God is saying"- I just prayed stuff. And as I prayed, I felt nudged to a slightly different angle. The same subject, but given a slightly different insight- which Chris hadn't necessarily thought of.

Bah. This isn't going to make sense unless I say what I was actually praying for..

OK...

Chris, like most people, has issues of one sort or another which, on their own, lead him to be condemning towards himself. So I prayed about that first of all.

At one point I asked God to give Chris a realisation of who he is in him- that Chris is loved by God. Despite the issues he has. And believe me, that very fact knocks a huge hole in the way a lot of people percieve God. Chris struggles with his sexuality. Yes, he's gay. And God loves him. How do I know that? Well, I know it because the Holy Spirit was clearly impacting him during that time of prayer. That wouldn't happen if God didn't love him. If you strongly disbelieve the concept of God, I suggest you just ignore the reference to the holy spirit there. If it's just a subjective thing and God isn't real then God still can't hate Chris because he's not there. So either way Chris isn't on bad terms with the big guy.

Anyway. After that, Chris said "I think I have issues with pride as well". And I ended up praying "Lord, I pray that you may bring Chris to a place of security in you- I pray that he would be secure in you, so that he wouldn't need to find security in Pride, but that he wouldn't doubt himself enough to need it" Or something like that. That was the general point. Either way, I was still praying for the same thing- just throwing a new insight on it. And to be honest, it's the sort of thing I've never even thought of before. It just kind of entered my head and left my mouth. After I said that, Chris was pretty much down on the floor. For a time I was thinking "Ay up... what was that all about...?" Those words meant very little to me, but it was what Chris needed to hear.

I don't think I talk about my huddle enough on here. Let's go through some of the guys in there.

First off, we have me. I came to Christianity through a short time as a thief, basically.

Then we have Toby. Our leader. He used to be in a band- one which was starting to go quite far, and getting into all kinds of dodgy stuff. Then there was all the dodgy stuff he got up to outside the band. And now he's a huddle leader at TT, and even a cluster leader at church.

Next, Ronan. He's been up to a fair bit too in the past, but now he's probably the most enthusiastic one of the lot of us.

Then we have Chris. As I said up there, he struggles with his sexuality. "Struggles" because the majority of the Christian community in most places has a view that "homosexuals are just plain bad". Or "homosexuality is just plain wrong". Which may be true, but we're living in grace now. Believe me, you can quite happily be a homosexual and a Christian. The reason you may struggle is that people will say stuff like "to be a real Christian, you really need to get rid of that". Rubbish. If God wants to get rid of it, he will. Over time. You need not condemn yourself over something that is a part of you. Sin is a part of me. I am a sinner. Do I condemn myself? Actually, yes, quite a lot. But I shouldn't- I needn't.

Then we have the other Chris. This guy lived quite an immoral life too, as we all did. And now he's a Christian, and he even has his times when he corrects us for stuff we really shouldn't be doing.

Finally Ben. The vicar's son. He's always been a Christian, but he has strayed into immorality on various occasions.

None of us are perfect now either. We still fall. But we all love God. None of us are the stereotypical Christians who are annoyingly "perfect in every way" or other such rubbish. We're just not. And that's OK.

I put up those descriptions to give you some idea of the broad range of types of people who actually end up believing in God. And God loves them all. And there's hope for you too.

Random Dan C Lucking Trivia, 8-1-2003

Never quite got around to this part. Ended up caught up in net-preaching or something :p.

After TT I came home and found that a parcel had arrived for me- but it'd arrived after I left for TT, so I got a note which says "we're holding the item at your local Royal Mail delivery office"

I wonder if there's a ransom...

Anyway... I'm actually quite intrigued as to what it is. I assumed until just now that it was the farscape DVD I ordered on monday (the only season 3 one I don't have)- but I just checked amazon and it's not been sent yet... so it must be a random thing from a random person (probably my Dad). Which is nice, seeing as I haven't had any unexpected mail for a while. Other than bills ^^;

So I'm picking it up from the Delivery office tomorrow. Tomorrow morning. Before work. The office opens at 6 am, and closes at noon. What kind of service is that? heh.

Chris (the ugy I prayed for) cam around for tea tonight- I cooked us a chilli- and it was easily the best I've made yet. Though the meal was somewhat disrupted (for me) when the ASDA man rang me to find out where our house was.

Asda: a large supermarket chain in the UK.

We'd ordered our shopping online to stock up on a lot of the stuff we really need but have been lacking for a long time. And the delivery man was a bit confused. See, as far as he was concerned, he was at 66, Langsett. But the thing is, Langsett road is an odd road, in that it has several names, depending on which part of the road you're on. The middle bit is Langsett Road, the bit closest to town is Infirmary Road, and the bit furthest away is Middlewood Road. It's exactly the same road- the B6079, but has a different name for each section. And, you guessed it. Each section has it's own number 66. No wonder the poor guy got confused. Though I'm surprised that this is the first time it's happened.

After he eventually ended up at the right number 66 and dropped our shopping off, I got back to my Chilli, and Nick and Jude put the stuff away.

At about that time, Pippa, Liz and Beth turned up, as we'd invited them around for the evening. Chris (the other Chris, and one of our neighbours) turned up soon later, just as we started playing a game. Essentially it was similar to charades, except you get given something to act out.

.....

....I got.. "Uranus".. ^^ heh

It was a great time, there were lots of laughs. I'm not very good at remembering specifics all the time though. I just feel a bit of a buzz thinking back to it.

We watched Peter Kay (a Yorkshire stand up comedian) on DVD for a bit, and that was pretty funny. Mostly because so much of it was true. I recommend this DVD to anyone who isn't british. You'll learn a hell of a lot about how we brits work just by watching that thing :p.

Although.. er..

on second thought, our region 2, PAL DVDs won't play on your NTSC players, so that's that idea screwed ^^.

Still, here's what you could have watched: CLICK HERE

Then, after everyone left Nick, Jude, me and Joe, just ended up chatting for a bit. Which rounded the day off quite well.

That's about it. There's probably a lot of random stuff I've forgotten, but hey. I'm tired. And off to bed.

'Night.

Oh wait.

*points to post from yesterday*

..that's exactly what I'm on about. Being online for too long just ends up making me post something like that. I mean, look at it. It's pathetic- the sheer helplessness of it, as opposed to the life in this post here.

I'm still thinking about this one. Maybe I don't need to leave OB and myotaku altogether. But my life would be a whole lot better if every day was more like today- if those minor parts of life were in their minor place.

If I ever regress to that, I'm going ahead with it. But if I can maintain this kind of thing.. I'm thinking about it. That's all I can say, because I don't know a lot more myself.

'Night.
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Wednesday, January 7, 2004

Forget AIM. That can stay. And remember, there's always my blogspot. That doesn't cause much of the problem
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What's been on my mind of recent
Dan C Lucking: I'm doing good. I've been thinking though- that I might leave OB and myotaku for a month or two. Change mt password to something I'll never remember and seal it up or something. It's becoming too much a part of my life, I think
drakehho19: that's part of the reason I left
Dan C Lucking: It's kind of getting in the way of my spiritual growth- there are people I really want to help but I don't fell that I can unless I give myself time to grow- and OB doesn't allow that if I keep this up
drakehho19: There are particular views OB takes, and for some reason, you aren't allowed to think any other way.
drakehho19: Thus my leaving. I couldn't stand the "You can say anything you want as long as we approve it" attitude
Dan C Lucking: Yeah. Just recently a thread to do with godly deliverence was closed on the grounds that "it would fit better into a myotaku". As if discussions haven't arisen from such threads before..
Dan C Lucking: (ie. that would fit into myotakus)
drakehho19: so what's the point of a messageboard, then?
Dan C Lucking: eh. I see it as a pretty good way of communicating the gospel. And when I first was a Christian I had a good reputation as such. But now something's changed and it's not quite the same anymore
drakehho19: yups
Dan C Lucking: James once said something about how he actually saw me as holy.. but now I just see myself as someone rigidly stuck in rules and set beliefs. I kind of need to find the line between theological correctness and God-Given Grace. And that's not going to happen on OB.
Dan C Lucking: I mean-- on OB I've noticed that I act like that.

You heard me right.

Y'see, there's somewhere I sometimes go when I need to realise how alienated I have become from who I was when I came to faith. I go to a short but sweet PM I recieved on the 7th of November 2002.

All it said was "You are a very remarkable person."

And you know what.. I knew the guy who that was directed at- and that's just not me anymore.

You know how a sculptor can start out with a block of something, and gradually chisel away at it until it resembles what they want to acheive? Well my life feels kind of like that. Y'see.. there comes a stage when you've got a long way to go before you're anywhere near what you can potentially be- but you resemble it.

People can look at the sculpture and although it's obviously incomplete, it is still clear what it is meant to be. It works despite the flaws that it still has left.

I just fell that my life hasn't reached that stage yet. There are areas of my life that god needs to cut further into- there are some which he hasn't touched.

I don't aim to achieve anything near perfection any time soon-

but there are issues which need resolving. Otherwise I can't be what I'm meant to be. What am I meant to be?

Y'know what- Identity is such a funny thing. How do we know who we are?

"Ehiyeh Asher Ehiyeh"

I am who I am.

I am who God made me to be.

There's so much in me right now that just isn't me. Stuff which God didn't make me to be.

My faith, though I like to think it's not, is remarkably cold and logical. I believe it to the utmost, and I still believe I am saved... but I haven't felt anything in ages. I haven't felt God's compassion for another person. I haven't felt sheer joy at God's work in my life at a time of breakthrough.

I haven't cried in... too long. I've not done this recently, but there have been times when I've tried to focus so intently on something hurtful that I'd force myself- and even then I never got far.

None of this is necessarily all that bad. The thing is- some of you need helping. I've tried. I can't. I try again. Nothing. I try again. Nothing. With each try I get more and more.. desparate?.. maybe. Either way I just end up disconnecting myself from the person, and voila- I achieve nothing but my own personal frustration and isolation.

OK. I get it. I can't help you. I can't help you.

I can only hope for you.

Hope is the most precious thing of all. Never let cynicism berate it for you. You can give me a thousands quotes from people who have bashed hope and have given endorsements to believing that nothing is worth hoping for.

But you know what- I say it's rubbish. I can't even begin to explain why. I'll just say that just because you believe that hope is useless, it doesn't make you wise and learned. Just because you're a cynic, it doesn't make you smart. People just seem to think that these days.

There is nothing more precious than hope, bar love. and faith is on equal grounds with it.

Faith, Hope, and Love. It's the stuff that innocence is made of. It's the stuff I need more of. But as long as my main way of interacting with the world is by writing and reading words on a screen, this isn't going to happen.

Words are only words. They carry hidden value, but they are only words. And when a medium is saturated by words in a way which the internet is, it can be all too easy for everything you believe to be just words.

I don't want to lose logic- I don't want to lose reason. I don't want to lose anything. I want to get it all back. I've lost a lot from simply spending too much time in the presence of mere words. Now I'm off into the real world for a while to see if I can regain anything.

I a couple of days I'm changing my myotaku and my otakuboards passwords- and my AIM one, why not-- to something random which I will never remember.

Then I'm going to write it down it and seal it up.

I need to spend some time away from here.

See you around..

92 92 96 96 99 100 93 92 97 101 100 100 92 100

Anyone who can crack that- you know where to reach me.
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Monday, January 5, 2004

A simple fact of L.I.F.E
I feel crap right now.

Have I done anything wrong? Not really.

Do I have reason to feel crap? Again, no.

Am I recovering from some kind of stressful life-episode? Definitely not.

I'm bloody online, aren't I.. for too long.

I'm not going to be posting or online or anything else tomorrow or Wednesday.

and I'll see you on Thursday, and we'll just see how I feel.

Goodbye, myotaku- see you later.

A note to you all: the internet is a tool, not a master. When you can't just decide not to go on it without thinking it's an absolutely stupid idea, it's gone too far.
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Sunday, January 4, 2004

Now playing U2
That's right..

Up in the Jukebox in my myotaku is an MP3 of U2-Do you feel loved. I cut it down to 2 minutes or so- just the first two verses and choruses. It's a proper decent song.

In other random stuff

Just got an update on my IQ. According to emode I'm a 133. But I didn't find that test particularly challenging at all- there are different tests for different ranges on a lot of websites- might try a different one at some point.
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Saturday, January 3, 2004

Oddness and Feelinglessness
Man. It actually seems a long time since I've really felt very much towards anything.

I still feel troubled every so often, and good most of the time, but I haven't felt exceptionally troubled or exceptionally good in a while.

It actually feels quite odd- as though I've lost my ability to feel things in a big way.

Feels vaguely as though there's stuff that needs to be let out.

but heh. That all sounds good, but things which sound good aren't always things you can actually apply.

I'm fine- it's just a bit odd
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Thursday, January 1, 2004

U2- Do You Feel Loved
Take these hands they're good for nothing
You know these hands never worked a day
Take these boots they're going nowhere
You know these boots don't want to stray

You got my head filled with songs
You got my shoelaces undone
Take my shirt, go on take it off me
You can tear it up
If you can tie me down

Do you feel loved
Do you feel loved
Do you feel loved
Do you feel loved

Take the colours of my imagination
Take the scent hanging in the air
Take this tangle of a conversation
And turn it into your own prayer

With my fingers as you want them
With my nails under your hide
With my teeth at your back
And my tongue to tell you the sweetest lies

Do you feel loved
Do you feel loved
Do you feel loved
And it looks like the sun
But it feels like the rain

Love's a bully pushing and shoving
In the belly of a woman
Heavy rhythm taking over
To stick together
A man and a woman
Stick together
Man and woman
Stick together...

And I feel loved
Do you feel loved
Do you feel loved
And it looks like the sun
But it feels like the rain
And there's heat in the sun
To see us through the rain

Do you feel loved
Do you feel loved
Do you feel...
Do you feel...
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Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Back in Sheffield
Finally back home, from home.. err.. yeah. So, a week ago I was going home for Christmas, now I'm coming back home after Chrsitmas o_O. It's weird having two homes- a home where my parents + brother are and a home where I am.

but yeah. I'm back at the home which has good internet access. Which is good.

Enjoying my new U2 album.. "Pop". Very fond of the first track- Discotheque

you can reach but you can't grab it
you can't hold it control it you can't bag it
you can push but you can't direct it
circulate regulate oh no you cannot connect it

you know you're chewing bubblegum
you know what that is but you still want some
you just can't get enough of that lovie dovie stuff

you get confused but you know it
yeah you hurt for it work for it LOVE
you don't always show it

LET GO LET'S GO... DISCOTHEQUE
GO GO... LET GO... DISCOTHEQUE

looking for the one
but you know you're somwhere else instead
you want to be the song
the song that you hear in your head

LOVE

it's not a trick... you can't learn it
it's the way you don't pay that's okey 'cause you can't earn it

you know you'e chewing bubblegum
you know that is but you still want some
'cause you just can't get enough of that lovie dovie stuff

LET GO LET'S GO... DISCOTHEQUE
GO GO... LET GO... DISCOTHEQUE

looking for the one
but you know you're somwhere else instead
I want to be the song
be the song that you hear in your head

LOVE

but you take what you can get
'cause it's all that you can find
oh you know there's something more
but tonight, tonight, tonight

BOOM CHA.. BOOM CHA.. DISCOTHEQUE
BOOM CHA.. BOOM CHA.. DISCOTHEQUE...

My two favourite quotes

Dan C Lucking (5:38:55 PM): Friedrich Nietzsche: God is dead: but considering the state the species of man is in, there will perhaps be caves, for ages yet, in which his shadows will be shown
Dan C Lucking (5:39:03 PM): Leo Tolstoy: Friedrich Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal
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Monday, December 29, 2003

The realisation of it all
I thought I had it under control- this whole "you need a girlfriend" thing that society shoves down your throat.

No. I don't. Not need anyway. Not now. Maybe not for a long time.

Eh.. there's someone on TT who's starting to become more prominent in my mind. That's not necessarily a bad thing in every situation. But the thing is I've been in this situation before. I know exactly where it goes to if I walk a path of presumption.

And besides- this isn't about whether something is morally correct or if morality even matters- this is about what I let have control over me- God's will or the will of my hormones.

Anyone have a problem with the concept of God's will- don't try to dissuade me, it won't work. This isn't a matter of whether you personally believe in God either.

This is just about what I prioritise over what in my life. And this needn't be a priority to the extent that I can make it.
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Sunday, December 28, 2003

Post from Stoke
... I'm swapping round the general colour scheme of my posts for just this once, due to my temporary (a week or so) switch of location.

I reckon I'll be back by tuesday.

Christmas has been pretty good.. Got 2 more U2 albums.. meaning that now there's only one of the 13 albums that I don't have ^^...

I also got a Greek New Testament- cos I'm learning Greek, the Complete Works of Josephus (a first century Jew who recorded a lot of what was going on), and an Exhaustive NIV Concordance.

Then I got some random stuff.. a pocket voice recorder, an alarm clock which looks like a tin of alcohol, and other random goodies.

eh.. I'd post much, much more.. but my Mum and Dad actually pay by the minute for this connection, whereas at home it's free... and much, much faster.
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