Monday, November 24, 2003

On an unrelated note, I was vaguely surprised to find that the username "Deus Ex Machina" was already taken on here. Damn someone trying to steal my thunder *grumbles*..
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Off to work
....

6:30 am

....

6:30!!!

And I'm off to work soon...

That just feels so unnatural. This'll take some getting used to...
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Sunday, November 23, 2003

...
Sometimes I wonder if I'm a little too ready to go into preachy mode and go on about God. Then I wonder "is it possible to be too ready". Mnnneh. I guess it's a fine line, but that IS only a guess, and I have no idea where this fine line is located.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one really paying much attention to what I'm saying- and that doesn't so much hurt as it makes me wonder "what is the point"

Sometimes I almost beat myself up because I'm not really achieving anything. But the truth is that progress is often unseen. Years of work is sometimes necessary before anything productive begins to take form.

But I know I don't have that sort of patience just yet.

Sometimes I feel like it's me and God against the world. Everything looks and feels cosy from the inside, almost like an inner sanctuary of naivite, but at the same time the world outside is a spiritual mess. You don't really need to be christian to recognise that.

the main thing is, this inner sanctuary sometimes hurts- because I know that the world outside is so messed up ,and there are so many people caught up in it.

Meh. That's something like what I feel. Describing it like that is kind of like describing a tower as a pile of bricks. It's true, but not a very good definition.

Anyway. 12:30 am. Need to be up at 6 for work. Better be off to bed.
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Starting off at myotaku
Since I went full on with the whole Christianity thing, my life's been full of ups and downs- but then that was made known to me from the start. But every time my life plummets, you can be sure that it'll come up again and my faith will be stronger than ever.

What is this all about? It's about imperfection doing it's best- which is usually a pretty dismal attempt. I'm one of several billion of the most imperfect spiritual beings in the history of the universe- and yet the only perfect one chooses to use me for his purposes.

Today was quite a hard day, spiritually. Physically I hardly did much at all. But on my way down to church I thought to myself "ehh.. today I'm finding it quite difficult to even so much as believe in God". Praise the Lord that I have housemates who went to church with me- something I would probably have just left alone if they weren't around. And at church I found my peace, and the evening- however little of it is left- feels a lot better.

Lately a lot of friends, distant and close, have been succumbing to a certain disillusionment. About the world, about themselves, about human nature. You name it, there's probably a way to be disillusioned about it.

Trying to keep myself out of that trap can prove quite difficult. The world is fallen: EVERYTHING that these people are disillusioned about is true. We as people are worthless- unworthy of the help of God or others. The world is a messed up place, if God were just he would send us all to hell right this minute. HOWEVER--

While these things are true, they are not the whole truth. We are unworthy but we have grace. The world is messed up. BUT WE HAVE GRACE. Grace is a gift undeserved but given anyway, and in God's case out of love.

We're all terrible- none of us truly any better than another, but he loves us. Why? How on Earth should I know. It's not the point- the point is not why God loves, but the fact that he does. He loves me, a guy who came to faith through theivery. In my more logical moments that is completely unfair. But in reality it's down to grace, good old undeserved grace. The type of which it's impossible for any Christian in the right mind not to want to spread. And really, that's what I'm doing here, isn't it.

If you're going to realise just one thing today, make it this: God is real, and God is good, and God is graceful. Ever noticed that despite the worsening world around us, things have a tendency to work out for the best? Name me one world-domination bent dictator from world history, who actually succeeded in doing this, and kept it up until today? This isn't a pure evil world- this is a battle field between Good and Evil. Every so often evil has it's way, but Good always restores things. Just like any war, people are lost, but that's really not the point.
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