Monday, April 26, 2004

   Paul Mac's best funny moment yet
(Paul Mac: Paul Machonacie (however you spell it), the main leader at St. Tom's Philadelphia Campus)

"I'm half English and half German.. that makes me very, very reserved. I kind of want to take over the world, but I'm too polite"
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   Yesterday: Extended DVD Version..
or rather the "now that I've thought it all through" version.

It all started at about 9:10am- when Joe burst into my room and turned my alarm clock off (which will have been going off for 15 minutes by that time so it's understandable)- but things didn't really kick off until 10:10 when I actually got out of bed. Realising how little time I'd given myself, I speedily got myself ready for church, which was in 50 minutes time (do bear in mind that it's also a 25 minute uphill walk to my church, from here). And after having gotten there on time, I went over to my fellow Kids workers until we took all the kids over to the CEC (no idea what that stands for- a seperate building to the rest of the church though).

We had great fun doing kids work today- I got attacked by a kid with some paint, who was on my back at the time..

Anyway.. the main point is more to do with after the kids work. After they'd all left, and most of the Kid's workers were across in the church, it was just me and Hazel left in the CEC. We talked about something-- nothing so important that I actually remember, mostly just to do with how the kids work went. Now, I was planning to actually do something- see, I like Hazel, thus I'd like to know her better to know if I really do like her.. and that kind of involves actually bringing the subject up, which I dismally failed at this time, and ended up walking away not feeling too good about it.

On my way back down the hill to home, I met up with Daniel, my accountability partner, as I hadn't seen him in quite a while. I discussed two main things (which I can actually share, that is) with him:

1- The possibility of moving in with him next year, as I'm looking for a new place as of September, and he's just bought a house and needs tenants. Fortunate :p.

2- The fact that I really hadn't gotten anywhere today in terms of actually being proactive in asking Hazel out.

and the general concensus came to (after some discussion, on the second point) was this:

1- I'll probably be moving into his place in Sept.

2- Do whatever I feel I ought to.

Of course, it was actually a lot longer and more helpful than that- but I don't remember much of what was said in the sense of being able to write it down.

On my way out of Daniel's house.. lo and behold, Nicco was walking down that very street (which apparently is the first time he's taken that route home). On seeing this, I took a glance at Nicco, then one at Daniel; Nicco; Daniel; Nicco; Daniel (seriously). Not quite sure what I thought I was going to gain from that many looks, but before I knew it I was walking home with Nicco, telling him how I failed in my "Proactive Plan". We abbreviated it to PP and made up a triangle- but none of you people will get that cos you've never been to St. Thomas' Church, Sheffield :p.

When we got back, Greg and Az (Greg's girlfriend- abbreviation of Angharrod- a welsh name) were baking a lemon cake. Before I knew it I was telling Az about my proactive failings too. And then Chris. And then Jude. In fact by 4pm, it was fairly well known among our houses, and everyone heard it from the horse's (or Bear's) mouth.

Later on at 6pm was the evening's church service, which was a great time. In the break between the worship and the talk, I talked to Toby (my huddle leader) for a bit, tried to point Hazel out to him (Tobes and the rest of my huddle have been in on this for a good month or so) but it looked as though she was blocked by someone else- turned out she just wasn't in her seat.

After the whole service I waited around outside for a few minutes for her to come out. Chris tried to talk to me, but it was hard to talk to him and watch the door (with a mass of people in the way) at the same time without looking rather distracted.

Eventually she came out. I went around a few people, pushed through a few others, and then Gordon (the guy running the church plant in Stoke) saw me and said hi. My immediate thoughts were "Oh no... not the best timing here".. I kind of politely but abruptly ended the conversation, which in all fairness was only a question w.r.t. whether or not someone had already left (but could have dragged on longer, I say..). Eventually I got to Hazel, who had conveniently stopped moving.

I started talking about.. something. Probably the church service. Needless to say, the conversation wasn't going a lot further than it did earlier until; she looked as if she was about to leave and I chipped in "Actually I was wondering.. if you want to go out at some point"

To which she replied "Could we do it just as friends?". I said that was fine. Then she asked what I intended doing and when, and I didn't really prepare that much in advance :p. But we said we'd arrange something.

Then I got home and started the inevitable process of spiritual attack, via doubt, shame, and self pity among other things. But heh- no-one's perfect, eh?

All in all, I'm further down the line than I was a month ago (in terms of actually doing something about it), a lot further... but the main thing is that I still don't know a great deal (if anything) more than I did then.

"Could we do it just as friends?"- this is what I intended anyway for the time being.. but- is this up for review, or is she on about permanently?

And above all, I still don't know what her feelings actually are.

Eh.. ah well. all in all I think that it's probably for the best that I'm in the dark on a few things. Even if it's effectively the same things as before.
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Sunday, April 25, 2004

   Three more points to make
1- Not so much of a point as an image of the whole sign that Nicco stole from the tram:

(it's a bit blurred on the left..)



2- A while ago I noticed the google ads at the top of the myotaku pages. Back in the day when I had bono as my avatar, a U2 song in the music player and quoted U2 songs every now and then, the adverts in there were mostly to do with U2.

Thus I kind of figured that the advert depends on the content of the page.

Yesterday I noticed that the main one at the moment is "positive thinking". And I like that :p.

3- Added a new mp3 in the music player thingie at the top. Very chillout-ish worship song.

However at this moment myotaku doesn't seem to want to be showing it up at the top, so here's the link instead Heat:Can I See Heaven (Ambient Version)
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   Proactive Planning
The church service was completely off the rails tonight. In a completely good way.

There was all sorts going off all at once, and God could be felt through the whole time- a rare thing in even the most super-spiritual churches in England.

Which was all very good, but it all really led up to one moment of released, after everything had finished but the core group who hung around for more ministry. I was in the larger group which left at that point, as people hanging around to chat were encouraged to do so outside on this occasion.

So I was outside, and Hazel walks out. As a matter of fact, that was the point I had been waiting for. I walked over to her as quickly as I could through the mass of people (which wasn't so much big but condensed) and said hi.

For a good minute or two I broached some trivial matters- the church service we'd just been in, and general chit chat. Feeling as though this conversation was going no-where that I wanted it to, and watching an opportunity slip by, the words "actually I was wondering.. if you'd like to go out at some point" just kind of came out.

She said yes, as long as we could do it as friends (which is good- it'd have been weird to try and jump into something too deep, too quickly). But the main point is that she said yes. It's not that big a deal, other than the tremendous release from feelings that I really couldn't go through with it.

Already I can feel the corruptor whispering in my ear "nothing will come of it"; "she's just letting you down gently" and countless other doubts. Which may well be true, but I can't know that, and the negative effect that they have can't possibly be from God: they aren't worth listening to in that case.

Aye, things are good. Future is uncertain- but I know where I'll be living next year now, with a reasonable degree of certainty- I'll probably be moving in with Daniel, the guy I'm accountable to within St. Tom's.

...

And on top of all that.. aren't U2 just fantastic?
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