Wednesday, January 7, 2004

What's been on my mind of recent
Dan C Lucking: I'm doing good. I've been thinking though- that I might leave OB and myotaku for a month or two. Change mt password to something I'll never remember and seal it up or something. It's becoming too much a part of my life, I think
drakehho19: that's part of the reason I left
Dan C Lucking: It's kind of getting in the way of my spiritual growth- there are people I really want to help but I don't fell that I can unless I give myself time to grow- and OB doesn't allow that if I keep this up
drakehho19: There are particular views OB takes, and for some reason, you aren't allowed to think any other way.
drakehho19: Thus my leaving. I couldn't stand the "You can say anything you want as long as we approve it" attitude
Dan C Lucking: Yeah. Just recently a thread to do with godly deliverence was closed on the grounds that "it would fit better into a myotaku". As if discussions haven't arisen from such threads before..
Dan C Lucking: (ie. that would fit into myotakus)
drakehho19: so what's the point of a messageboard, then?
Dan C Lucking: eh. I see it as a pretty good way of communicating the gospel. And when I first was a Christian I had a good reputation as such. But now something's changed and it's not quite the same anymore
drakehho19: yups
Dan C Lucking: James once said something about how he actually saw me as holy.. but now I just see myself as someone rigidly stuck in rules and set beliefs. I kind of need to find the line between theological correctness and God-Given Grace. And that's not going to happen on OB.
Dan C Lucking: I mean-- on OB I've noticed that I act like that.

You heard me right.

Y'see, there's somewhere I sometimes go when I need to realise how alienated I have become from who I was when I came to faith. I go to a short but sweet PM I recieved on the 7th of November 2002.

All it said was "You are a very remarkable person."

And you know what.. I knew the guy who that was directed at- and that's just not me anymore.

You know how a sculptor can start out with a block of something, and gradually chisel away at it until it resembles what they want to acheive? Well my life feels kind of like that. Y'see.. there comes a stage when you've got a long way to go before you're anywhere near what you can potentially be- but you resemble it.

People can look at the sculpture and although it's obviously incomplete, it is still clear what it is meant to be. It works despite the flaws that it still has left.

I just fell that my life hasn't reached that stage yet. There are areas of my life that god needs to cut further into- there are some which he hasn't touched.

I don't aim to achieve anything near perfection any time soon-

but there are issues which need resolving. Otherwise I can't be what I'm meant to be. What am I meant to be?

Y'know what- Identity is such a funny thing. How do we know who we are?

"Ehiyeh Asher Ehiyeh"

I am who I am.

I am who God made me to be.

There's so much in me right now that just isn't me. Stuff which God didn't make me to be.

My faith, though I like to think it's not, is remarkably cold and logical. I believe it to the utmost, and I still believe I am saved... but I haven't felt anything in ages. I haven't felt God's compassion for another person. I haven't felt sheer joy at God's work in my life at a time of breakthrough.

I haven't cried in... too long. I've not done this recently, but there have been times when I've tried to focus so intently on something hurtful that I'd force myself- and even then I never got far.

None of this is necessarily all that bad. The thing is- some of you need helping. I've tried. I can't. I try again. Nothing. I try again. Nothing. With each try I get more and more.. desparate?.. maybe. Either way I just end up disconnecting myself from the person, and voila- I achieve nothing but my own personal frustration and isolation.

OK. I get it. I can't help you. I can't help you.

I can only hope for you.

Hope is the most precious thing of all. Never let cynicism berate it for you. You can give me a thousands quotes from people who have bashed hope and have given endorsements to believing that nothing is worth hoping for.

But you know what- I say it's rubbish. I can't even begin to explain why. I'll just say that just because you believe that hope is useless, it doesn't make you wise and learned. Just because you're a cynic, it doesn't make you smart. People just seem to think that these days.

There is nothing more precious than hope, bar love. and faith is on equal grounds with it.

Faith, Hope, and Love. It's the stuff that innocence is made of. It's the stuff I need more of. But as long as my main way of interacting with the world is by writing and reading words on a screen, this isn't going to happen.

Words are only words. They carry hidden value, but they are only words. And when a medium is saturated by words in a way which the internet is, it can be all too easy for everything you believe to be just words.

I don't want to lose logic- I don't want to lose reason. I don't want to lose anything. I want to get it all back. I've lost a lot from simply spending too much time in the presence of mere words. Now I'm off into the real world for a while to see if I can regain anything.

I a couple of days I'm changing my myotaku and my otakuboards passwords- and my AIM one, why not-- to something random which I will never remember.

Then I'm going to write it down it and seal it up.

I need to spend some time away from here.

See you around..

92 92 96 96 99 100 93 92 97 101 100 100 92 100

Anyone who can crack that- you know where to reach me.
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