Friday, January 16, 2004

Meh
Eh

I really feel quite pathetic.

I mean, if I can meet just one girl in the next week without thinking "maybe she's the cure for my loneliness". Then maybe I will have achieved something.

But unfortunately, at the time being that's the way it is.

Damn human-ness.

It's just that so often I find that I doubt anything will actually happen, and that I'll just be stuck as whatever I am now, for however long I live.

There's quite a deep hole there. But..

I know that nothing can fill it. No-one can fill it. That's not to say that there's no one out there for me, but rather, she won't really solve the problem.

It's like money. No matter how much money or what type you have, you never have enough to make you "happy".

I know that it doesn't matter who I end up with. Either way I'm still going to feel this way if I try to make them a solution.

The loneliness thing..

I need to sort that out on my own. With god. With others. But not by praying for someone to be with so I don't get so lonely- that won't work.

It is true that God created man and woman to be together- but he didn't create us to be dependant on each other to the point that God comes second.

Elaboration on the first few lines

Jude had a few friends around tonight. First of all there was Chris and Chris. Then Tom- who I'd only met tonight. Then there was a girl, who I think was called *Name also edited (see in an above post)*.

She seemed really great- just like far too many others...

Ideally I don't particularly want to fill myotaku with stuff like that, but heh.. it's what I really feel. What good does it do to keep it in..?

I don't think I ever really got over what happened in the summer.

Basically from mid-february 2003, til about July, I had feelings for someone in my home church back in Stoke, called Fiona.

At first I rejected them- she seemed way out of my league. She's the youth pastor down there (started there at the time I started having feelings for her- coincedence eh? :p. And no, before that I didn't know her), as well as a few (about 3) years older than me.

After a month or so I started actually paying attention to these feelings and giving them some credit. After all, I was 20. 3 years at that age isn't a huge amount of difference. And being the youth pastor doesn't make her above me to any point which means nothing could happen.

I still had very bad doubts though, the majority of the time. But then whenever someone prayed for me, god strengthened me, which I took as a sign that it was true.

Of course, doubts soon followed.

There were various things I used to support what I believed- the way she behaved around me and such. I at least thought that even if she didn't like me, she must have guessed that I had some feelings for her.

After 6 months or so of this I finally got around to telling her how I felt. Turned out she didn't feel anything, and never suspected that I did.

My whole life just.. I dunno. Ceased to mean very much. For a good week or so. And even after that, it just felt like one big shattered dream.

What's the use in having dreams, when shit like that happens.. pretty much sums up the way I felt.

So recently.. I dunno. I haven't really stuck to having feelings for any one person for much more than a week or two. And my dreams have become far detached from reality, with no remote chance of them happening at all- it's kind of my way of avoiding dissapointment- aiming for things that you know you're never going to reach, rather than believing your dreams will be realised.

This time last year I was feeling pretty damn crap. Life just seemed to trudge along. Then Fiona came, and I knew what I wanted to do. We were supposed to get together over the summer. I was meant to do my final year at uni. Then things would progress from there and life would just be this random adventure. But at least I knew just one thing I wanted.

Later on, I finished uni for good, a year early, and without a degree. Various things were going on which would have meant that it would have just put pressure on Fiona if I told her how I felt. The more time I spent around her, the more I realised that there were people with less time than me, which were spending even more time with her, which really bothered me, because it made me realise how little I knew her.

Still, I knew what I wanted in life- I just needed the opportunity. When that came, I ended up with nothing. Not even a hope or a dream.

So now I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll be alone, but I'm also afraid that if I chase a dream it will only shatter. So these days my dreams are fleeting.

Don't worry for me. This is a deep issue in my life. Everyone has deep issues, under the surface. I can still have fun, I can still hope for you guys.. I'm just afraid to have dreams for myself. That's something I need to sort out.
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