Thursday, February 5, 2004

Smackety Smackety Smack!!!
Describe the last few weeks in one word:

INTENSE

Man..

I feel released to write an update on here- but I'm not saving my password and I'm logging off so it doesn't get cookied.

You guys just have no idea how bogged down you probably are by this stuff. My last few weeks have been insane- they've had both intense highs and lows. The lows were probably more intense than the lows I had while on myO, and the highs- well, there were very few when I was on myO anyway.

Let's take last saturday-

I woke up at about mid-day.

Because of that, I felt pretty bad for most of the day. I couldn't really describe how or why I felt bad, I just felt bad. Everything felt hopeless. It was one of those odd moments where you honestly feel that nothing good can possibly come into your life, but there's no reason to feel in such a way.

There was a Salsa (Dancing) Evening at church, to raise money for some of the TT missionaries to Indonesia- and I absolutely did not want to go, under any circumstances. Which was odd seeing as I was looking forward to it for most of the week. I pretty much had to drag myself down there, 45 minutes late (and lateness has a profound effect on making me not want to turn up somewhere), worrying all the way down about all sorts of things.. but you know what?

I had fun. I actually had a great evening. I danced with *name taken out as an experiment to see when Jude will notice* on TT, and realised something of how I actually feel for her- something I've been hiding away. And something which I try to suppress because of past experiences of being hurt.

I know my issues now- whereas before I just knew I was messed up.

My life is in order now- I have a budget for what I spend, to get out of this debt I got into from a few months in a new home without a job.

I have plans, dreams, visions, and stuff. I know what I want, whereas before I just knew I wanted more.

Real issues need to be faced in real life. Before I left I said "there are very few of you I can actually help".

Sure, I've shared my faith with most people I know online, I've challenged a fair few people to think things they never thought of before, but what have you actually gained? Most of you are still struggling with the same problems you were when I met you.

And that's because you have real problems, which need to be confronted in real life. The internet is a deceptive thing, because you think you're opening up, but in reality you're only really becoming more isolated.

You can post about your problems in your online blogs for months and months on end, but until you get out there and do something about it- tell someone who can not only help you but actually pull you forward in life. Build bonds with real people. Sure, you're all real, but I'm not exactly bonding with you here. I'm just hitting buttons and interacting with someone who I can't hold accountable because I have no influence in their life.

I HAVE NO INFLUENCE ON YOUR LIFE.

I can only give you truths, questions, answers, inspired words, foolish words, bullshit, lies. I can't move you to do anything. I can't be there- be actually THERE every day to make sure you're sticking to what advice I gave.

I can't be there to be sensitive, to try to include you more, to stand up for you, to encourage you, to make you feel loved, when you need it most. It's not when you sit down at your computer that you need these things- it's when you face the reality that grieves you so much.

You don't need text. You need people. I can inspire you, and I can challenge you. I can't help you until you reach the kind of level where you can find help in your surroundings. Then I can be insightful and it can last a little longer than a week.

So there. There are very few of you I can actually help. I've tried. And it works- but then a week later, it's the same old thing. It's not that I don't have hope- and it's not that I put limits on God. But you seriously can not be helped by someone who can't be there to help you when you actually need it. What you need is someone who can, and then maybe you can find lasting use in these words.

That's about all I wanted to say. I'll probably keep popping in randomly in the future, whenever I feel the need.

(This post was directed at a number of different people, in a number of different parts)

-Dan
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