Monday, April 26, 2004

   Yesterday: Extended DVD Version..
or rather the "now that I've thought it all through" version.

It all started at about 9:10am- when Joe burst into my room and turned my alarm clock off (which will have been going off for 15 minutes by that time so it's understandable)- but things didn't really kick off until 10:10 when I actually got out of bed. Realising how little time I'd given myself, I speedily got myself ready for church, which was in 50 minutes time (do bear in mind that it's also a 25 minute uphill walk to my church, from here). And after having gotten there on time, I went over to my fellow Kids workers until we took all the kids over to the CEC (no idea what that stands for- a seperate building to the rest of the church though).

We had great fun doing kids work today- I got attacked by a kid with some paint, who was on my back at the time..

Anyway.. the main point is more to do with after the kids work. After they'd all left, and most of the Kid's workers were across in the church, it was just me and Hazel left in the CEC. We talked about something-- nothing so important that I actually remember, mostly just to do with how the kids work went. Now, I was planning to actually do something- see, I like Hazel, thus I'd like to know her better to know if I really do like her.. and that kind of involves actually bringing the subject up, which I dismally failed at this time, and ended up walking away not feeling too good about it.

On my way back down the hill to home, I met up with Daniel, my accountability partner, as I hadn't seen him in quite a while. I discussed two main things (which I can actually share, that is) with him:

1- The possibility of moving in with him next year, as I'm looking for a new place as of September, and he's just bought a house and needs tenants. Fortunate :p.

2- The fact that I really hadn't gotten anywhere today in terms of actually being proactive in asking Hazel out.

and the general concensus came to (after some discussion, on the second point) was this:

1- I'll probably be moving into his place in Sept.

2- Do whatever I feel I ought to.

Of course, it was actually a lot longer and more helpful than that- but I don't remember much of what was said in the sense of being able to write it down.

On my way out of Daniel's house.. lo and behold, Nicco was walking down that very street (which apparently is the first time he's taken that route home). On seeing this, I took a glance at Nicco, then one at Daniel; Nicco; Daniel; Nicco; Daniel (seriously). Not quite sure what I thought I was going to gain from that many looks, but before I knew it I was walking home with Nicco, telling him how I failed in my "Proactive Plan". We abbreviated it to PP and made up a triangle- but none of you people will get that cos you've never been to St. Thomas' Church, Sheffield :p.

When we got back, Greg and Az (Greg's girlfriend- abbreviation of Angharrod- a welsh name) were baking a lemon cake. Before I knew it I was telling Az about my proactive failings too. And then Chris. And then Jude. In fact by 4pm, it was fairly well known among our houses, and everyone heard it from the horse's (or Bear's) mouth.

Later on at 6pm was the evening's church service, which was a great time. In the break between the worship and the talk, I talked to Toby (my huddle leader) for a bit, tried to point Hazel out to him (Tobes and the rest of my huddle have been in on this for a good month or so) but it looked as though she was blocked by someone else- turned out she just wasn't in her seat.

After the whole service I waited around outside for a few minutes for her to come out. Chris tried to talk to me, but it was hard to talk to him and watch the door (with a mass of people in the way) at the same time without looking rather distracted.

Eventually she came out. I went around a few people, pushed through a few others, and then Gordon (the guy running the church plant in Stoke) saw me and said hi. My immediate thoughts were "Oh no... not the best timing here".. I kind of politely but abruptly ended the conversation, which in all fairness was only a question w.r.t. whether or not someone had already left (but could have dragged on longer, I say..). Eventually I got to Hazel, who had conveniently stopped moving.

I started talking about.. something. Probably the church service. Needless to say, the conversation wasn't going a lot further than it did earlier until; she looked as if she was about to leave and I chipped in "Actually I was wondering.. if you want to go out at some point"

To which she replied "Could we do it just as friends?". I said that was fine. Then she asked what I intended doing and when, and I didn't really prepare that much in advance :p. But we said we'd arrange something.

Then I got home and started the inevitable process of spiritual attack, via doubt, shame, and self pity among other things. But heh- no-one's perfect, eh?

All in all, I'm further down the line than I was a month ago (in terms of actually doing something about it), a lot further... but the main thing is that I still don't know a great deal (if anything) more than I did then.

"Could we do it just as friends?"- this is what I intended anyway for the time being.. but- is this up for review, or is she on about permanently?

And above all, I still don't know what her feelings actually are.

Eh.. ah well. all in all I think that it's probably for the best that I'm in the dark on a few things. Even if it's effectively the same things as before.
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