Thursday, May 19, 2005

Death in the snow: A love story
Chapter one: Renaissance
Forgive me father for I have sinned.
The words of Queensryche echo so plainly in my ears. I feel like a sin, like I’m lost forever in the great spinning concept album called Operation: Mindcrime.
My pain is like nothing… I mean nothing you could know.
I was seventeen in 1988 when Queensryche released Operation: Mindcrime.
I became an instant fan.
I wore my shirt, until… until….
The night was dark, deep and so beautiful. I remember it clearly because I was walking home from an album signing. Geoff Tate’s smile still lingered in my mind when I had gushed, “I’m your biggest fan.”
I couldn’t let that smile escape. I could not, it meant too much to me.
The alley was dark; I hugged my jacket closer and cringed. I felt something there. I know I felt something. Out of the shadows he lunged, beautiful like a tiger, the perfect predator, the Vampire.
I screamed and he held me down, he drank from me and raped me. From my skin he ripped the t-shirt; he left his mark in the healing of his bite.
The Ankh. I was his forever.
I became a Vampire. Its sixteen years later now, the night is cold and the rain falls. I’m listening to the original signed copy of Operation: Mindcrime. I hold in my hands the tattered shirt, still stained with my once human blood.
I wonder why, why me, why then? I wanted to grow up and see this as a woman, not be perpetually stuck in the angst of a teenager.
I pick up the ornate dagger that lies, crusted with blood on my floor. I slash hatefully at my skin and it heals. I begin to cry, there is no escape.
No escape and no intoxication. I rise to my feet and wonder, half dreaming to the window. I want to make something happen. I want freedom.
I bang on the rain drenched windows and collapse, surrendering to a dream.
His eyes are blue, soft, hypnotic and hungry. His hair is black, his body thin, undernourished. “This will only hurt for a little bit.” A fanged smile, he holds me down, and I am screaming. “No! No! Not me, please god not me!” The beautiful stranger says nothing and does not stop, I am screaming, he is raping me, someone, someone, someone…
My eyes open, slowly, soft dawn creeps through the windows. I panic, pulling blackout curtains closed with preternatural speed. I crawl into to bed, crying beautiful, red blood-tears.
Please no more, no more dreams of him.
He holds me, and I sense the prayer. He hopes I survived the change. He hopes that it’s not like the last one. My eyes open and I see him truly for what he is. His skin is pale, corpse pale; his eyes shine with a luster that is so familiar. His hair catches moonlight and is almost blue. So beautiful! He lifts me to my feet and smiles.
“I am Dracula.”
I scream.
I hear the china doll breaking. The pretty blonde haired thing I sleep with, her name is Claudia. Strangely it brings me comfort. I hear a dark, haunted laugh and I smile in spite of my quiet fear.
“Precious.” My maker says softly, caressing my face. “It has been so many long years.”
I cringe away, if only slightly. The attention is confusingly unlike him, so I have to wonder. Why is he here?
“What is it?” I ask coldly averting my eyes.
“It seems little Claudia is broke.” He tauntingly picks up a piece of her pretty china face. I close my eyes and try to make him vanish.
“Oh darling, you always where so weak.”
I look at him now, angrily. What gives him the right?
I nod my head.
“You are right; perhaps I deserve to die, Vladimir Dracula.”
He smiles, he likes my morbid mindset.
“Death? You may never die, Princess.”
I cringe at the truth of his words.
“Leave me.” I say calmly.
“No. I have a deal for you.”
I stare into his blue eyes now. I remember the dark alley and I feel just a trace of fear.
“A deal? I don’t make deals with the devil.”
He laughs. “Too late for that love, you’re already in hell.”
“The deal, Dracula.”
He smiles. “Not yet.” He walks closer. “I have to,” he laughs snidely. “Taste my wares.”
He kisses me deeply and viciously. Shocked I stared into his blue eyes.
“I needed an excuse to see you, beautiful one. I missed you all these years.”
He softens. Suddenly I don’t fear him anymore.
“I wanted to tell you why. I have heard your thoughts. “
I sit down on the mussed bed and he joins me, nervous.
“I had been watching you for weeks. You were and are so beautiful. I couldn’t believe it. There was something, shall I say…enduring about you? You seemed to want to live forever. I wanted a companion, a lover, and a bride. I was lonely. I was tempted by your strength and your lone-wolf charm. And so we are here, and you hate me.”
I stared at him, trying to evaluate the truth of his words.
“You raped me.” I said darkly.
He closed his eyes. “There is no way you would have consented to eternal life. Even I know that. I wanted you to be mine forever. You ran, and you kept running. I spent the last sixteen years looking for you.”
“Still we are back to our point, Vladimir.”
He shrugged his shoulders, remorseful almost.
“I don’t how to say I am sorry.”
“What’s the deal?” I am shaking, so cold to the core and so afraid.
“I promise to give you the life you deserve, precious one, if only you will come to me. Please be with me.”
I look into his pained filled eyes. He means it. He’s truly is sorry.
“Vlad…I… I don’t know.”
His lips twitched involuntarily downwards.
“I can’t just…my mortal life…”
“I understand.” He said rising to his feet and walking towards the door. “If you ever change your mind, Precious Girl, just call my name and I’ll come.”
He leaves me all alone to think of his words and to cry. I am not cruel by nature. I have never been unsympathetic, uncaring. It hurts me to discover this side of myself.
I can’t go with him. I can’t surrender to the void he left and now (or was it always?) that he desires to fill.
Dracula… who would have guessed?
He has a heart. I sigh and try to forget. I go hunting and feed wonderfully on some young teenage boys. Their blood is thicker and sweeter then any adults. I laugh insanely to myself. I return to my hellishly dark apartment sometime before dawn and Vladimir is there again.
“I heard my name.” He said softly, calmly.
“Oh.” I said, taking my jacket off. “I called? I must have been thinking of you.”
He gave a little smile, beautiful indication that he had known my thoughts and perhaps the inevitability of my decision.
“I don’t want you to hate me forever.”
My eyes darken. “It’s too late for that.” I say softly. Dracula’s eyes narrow. I’ve angered him.
“You don’t even want to give me a chance.” He complains, tossing his black hair.
“I don’t think you deserve a chance. It’s guilt that has got you. I have decided. Leave me.”
He leaves then and I am sated for the moment, thinking of the boys death struggles. I don’t want to fall back in love with that old romantic image. The vampire stalking the night, forever haunted.

Chapter two: Lonely howls

I walk the streets, alone, screaming inside. I hear all the sad lonesome calls of the Werewolf.
Calmly I walk right into one of their caerns. It doesn’t scare me like it once would. They don’t come here anymore, the Wyrm infects it.
“Why are you here cadaver?”
I look up and see a feral upstart. She looks like she has been in her fair share of battles for her station. I smile appreciatively.
“Remembering what it feels like to belong to something.”
The young werewolf starts, as if she didn’t expect my answer.
“You haven’t been dead long.” She comments. I hear the growl rising to her voice and I laugh.
“No. I haven’t. Sixteen years.”
The she-wolf growls, “Doesn’t matter to me, you are still dying tonight.”
I laugh and allow her to take the first strike. I dodge with an effortless ease that Dracula afforded me.
“Aw, that’s too bad, dear.”
She attacks again. This little wolf will not be put down.
“I will not let a cadaver like you take control of this place.”
I smile and pause, graciously so does she.
“I don’t want control,” I smile. “Simply to belong.”
She looks at me as if she hasn’t seen me properly before.
“What? To belong? Are you asking for redemption? I don’t give out repentance.”
I stare at her and then I attack. I drain her blood and it taste sweet and fine.
“Delicious little wolf.”
I leave the cearn and wonder back to my apartment.
What will happen when they find her dead? Will they smell my scent upon her and hunt me down?
Dracula appears like a Miraculous Image.
“What were you thinking? You killed Lacrecia!”
“So that’s her name. Lovely.”
He looks at me with wild frenzied eyes.
“They’ll kill you! You’re a stupid tragic girl.”
I glare at him and wonder if he was right.
“Maybe I want to die. Did you ever consider just leaving me to die in that street sixteen years ago?”
His lip jutted forward and he sighed. “No, not once, I told you. I love you; you are my ultimate good mistake.”
The honesty from which he spoke impaled my heart. I couldn’t just dump him and forget he’d brought me to this place. How ungrateful can one be not to love their creator?
“I’m sorry, I just…”
“I know, lovely. I know more completely then you could ever think.”
It was in that instance that her tribe swarmed my home. I felt panicked.
“What will they do to me?”
“Perhaps a trail,” Vlad explained. “Maybe just kill you in cold blood. I don’t know really how they deal with crimes against them. Every tribe is different.”
I through open my door and went to meet them. I shouldn’t be afraid.
“You killed her.”
The leader said, addressing me in the calmest voice. He was a man, rough looking and old.
“What is your name?” I asked looking at him with gentle eyes.
“I’m Lucius.”
I nod; something about the name is familiar. Vlad has come down, he looks nervous, but when he sees the elder werewolf, he relaxes.
“Lucius.”
The elder nods, “Vladimir.”
“I’m sorry, she didn’t know the law; I haven’t been an adequate teacher. I’m sorry, please, if punishment must be given, then I shall accept the responsibility.”
The old wolf looked as if he was considering this. “I never knew you had a child, let alone a lifemate of your own. I shall consider her total innocence in the matter.”
“I’m not his “lifemate”. I’m an independent vampire, who acted of my own accord.”
“That very may very well be, dear,” the old wolf smiled. “But there is an element of innocence here, because you didn’t know that it was against the Cearn Claus.”
“Then a trail for her? I mean, she deserves your complete fairness, she really is innocent. She didn’t even know who Lacrecia was.”
I must have looked perplexed for Lucius explained. “Lacrecia was the great-grandmother of the werewolf who is the prince and the guide to his chosen concubine.”
I thought about the ramifications. I had destroyed a family.
“Who were these young lovers? I must make restitution to them.”
“Kravyn and Mika.”
“Mika? Mika? Why is the name familiar?”
“Old vampire.” Vlad said softly. “Vampires instinctively know, much like werewolves their own kind.”
“She was a vampire?”
“Yes.” Lucius smiled. “I fell in love with her when I realized not even her vampiric taint could deter Kravyn. Then Lacrecia appeared to her, after so many long years, and basically with her presence confirmed what he had believed. She was meant to be his.”
I took it in. I imagined how comforting it must be to leave yourself behind and change.
“What’s it like for your kind?”
“I don’t know how to describe it.” Lucius smiled warmly. “At times it’s wonderful, civil, and so very peaceful, other times our wolf side shows to predominately and we fight.”
I nodded. “How’s it looking for me?”
“Fine kind girl. You will be just fine.”
I looked up and saw a beautiful girl, still corpse pale with perfect lips and the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen.
I recognized her instantly.
“Mika, I’m Truth.”
She smiled and laughed. “Yes, you are. I’ve known you were about.”
I shrank back. “Is Prince Kravyn with you?”
“Prince? That’s cute. No he isn’t with me, I came alone. I figured it would be easier for you if I just came.”
Vlad and Lucius backed out of the room, leaving us totally alone.
“Lecrecia is dead and you’re being accused of a terrible crime. I’m sorry to see the intolerance that has arisen amongst the werewolf. First I want to apologize for the fear that Lucius must have induced…”
“No, no fear. Just understanding. He’s been very kind to me in the last few hours.”
Mika smiled. I noticed her teeth still sparkled, sharp vampiric points in her mouth.
“The things that changed about you don’t change.” She said noting my wondering eyes. “Sometimes, you won’t even find redemption.”
It seemed a warning.
“What do you mean?”
She grew quiet. “In time you will know but I leave you with this: think carefully before you chose.”
Mika vanished, I mean literally. It became apparent that she wasn’t full werewolf. She was some sort of hybrid, trapped between vampire and wolf.
She was strong.
I thought till the sun rose, bleeding its soft red light around my velvet curtains.
Quickly I shut them and lay down.
The moon rose, soft inducing fear. I was running for my life. Momma had found the body, she was furious. I screamed you can’t do this to me. Pale, sparkling neon lights, I didn’t know where I was. I was screaming and the night was always damning me.
I awoke, a cool gentle hand, Mika was touching my cheek. Arm around her thin waist, the looming Prince Kravyn stared down at me.
“She’s a vampire, Mika.”
All she did was smile, and disentangle herself from her Prince.
“I must help her. Do you understand? I mean look at her. She’s just as lost and confused as I was.”



Chapter Three: Dust to Dust
In the next few nights a trial was organized and Mika and Kravyn allowed me to stay in their home. It seemed so cozy and warm despite the eccentric and clearly gothic décor.
“It’s a beautiful house.”
Mika smiled. “Thank you I work very hard.”
Kravyn smiled and sat on a black brocade settee.
“Here let me show you the guest bedroom.”
The guest bed room was non-descript, almost contemporary in appearance.
“What an abrupt change of style.”
“Yes.” She agreed and helped me sit down my bags. “It’s for relatives.”
Later that evening I helped with dinner. I was starving for blood, but I put up with the petty wine I was supplied.
“It would look better if you didn’t hunt.” Mika explained gently. “I mean maybe it would make you look more sincere?”
I glared at her. “What starving myself? Please.”
Kravyn made a soft noise of disapproval.
“I don’t remember you being this difficult.”
Mika glared, running a slender pink tongue along her fangs.
“I have nothing to complain about.”
They laughed as if sharing a great inside joke and turned away, sulking like the adolescent I was.
I couldn’t help the feelings of complete dismay. What would they sentence me too if I just so happened to finish these two off?
I shook my head of the thought and retired to my chambers.
No use trying to sneak out, Mika would know and stop me. Lure a victim here? Hmmm. I thought of some hapless mortal wondering into their cavern. Could I even attack before they ran off screaming, insane because they could not comprehend?
“Don’t.” Mika appeared in the room, smiling vampiricly. “It does no good.”
“When did you come?”
“A moment ago…”
She looked dreamy as if remembering.
“When I first became remotely like Kravyn, I remember wanting blood, craving it painfully.” She paused. “Then it just stopped.”
She turned away, as if she were lying.
“You lie.”
“I do not!”
We sat in pained awkward silence.
I wanted to explain how it had really happened, but I felt she knew.
“Can I ask for life?”
“What???”
Mika looked at me quizzically.
“I asked Lacrecia for life. I asked to live again.”
Mika looked concerned as she sat down.
“What did she say?”
“I don’t give redemption or something like that.”
Mika looked as if she were about to cry.
“Why would she say that? Why?”
I shrugged, uncomfortable with her display of emotion.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought her up.”
Kravyn barged in the room.
“They found her, baby. Mika they found her!”
I stared shocked at Justin, wide-eyed and disbelieving.
Mika squealed. “Is she all right?”
“Yeah, seems she was attacked some nights ago by a gang of Vampires. She doesn’t even know who Truth is. She said she never got in a fight with a vampire.”
Mika turned to me and hugged me happily. “You’re cleared!”
“Then who did I kill?”
I stared quizzically at them both.
“What does it matter? You’re innocent.”
“It matters to me.”
I withdrew from her embrace. I killed one of her kind. Didn’t she have sympathy for them?
Kravyn moved behind me, leaving the room in one of those great mysterious gestures that men seem to have perfected.
“What is your problem? Are you still loyal to Vampires? How can that be?”
She stared at me with calm eyes. A shroud of mystery still surrounded her as if she wasn’t really one of them, just an outsider trying to fit.
“Look, the battle between Werewolves and Vampires is a long one my child.”
“That’s a hardly adequate explanation.”
“I know.”
She walked away then, disappearing as she was wont to do when the situation got out of her control.
Suddenly I began to cry.
I couldn’t bring myself to see what she saw in these, these creatures. They were vile, strange things with arcane rituals and beliefs that predated even mortal concept and I would have none of it.
Damn me to hell I was leaving.
I left then, I ran and I never came back. Somehow I found solace in her words and mysterious gestures but I never figured out how or why.
Some nights after my awkward departure, Mika came to me, offering to comfort me if she only could.
“Comfort me?” I glared at her. “How can you comfort me? You were once great and now have fallen to…to…”
I stared too startled and angry to care.
“To love? I’ve become human so you hate me? That is wrong, Truth and you know it.”
I sat in silence, quieted by her anger.
“It wasn’t easy. I have died to be reborn and I can give you life too… Please, come back to the Caern.”
“No, no. I can’t go with a vampire who has no integrity!”
I vanished, crying.
Why did I care what fallen royalty thought?
Vlad came to me, later, of crouse, offering sweet words and sentiments unrealized in all our time apart.
“Mika just cares about you. She’s upset. Kravyn is fuming. You shouldn’t have said those things.”
I glared. “Another trail then? Maybe I’ll be put to death!”
He looked at me with critical eyes.
“She wouldn’t save you this time, little girl.”
“I’m not a little girl!!!”
The sun rose and set on my anger. I thought about feeling again, realizing the dream of being human again was finally in my grasp.
Again Mika came to me, bringing with her a fuming Kravyn.
“Why are we doing this? Why? I swear you’re a sucker for pretty face!”
“Shh, love. It’s okay. She’s already made up her mind. She’s coming home with us.”
I looked at her and sighed.
“Okay. I’ll go.”
She took me back to the Caern, and all the others smiled begrudging. It was if they all had came to the same conclusion Justin had. She’d do what she wanted, how she wanted and when. I had in effect become her pet project.
“No, you’re not a pet; or a project for that matter.”
I smiled; she was a mind reader and a credit to her birthright.
“Teach me your language. I hear them talking and it’s all so fascinating.”
I looked at her, then the wolves, babbling in tongues unfamiliar to me.
“I can’t teach you German, or their regional dialects. I can teach you the slang the English Werewolves use.”
Justin smiled at me and walked over.
“Hey I wanted to apologize and welcome you. She’s already talking about teaching you huh?”
I nodded. “I want to know everything!” I felt like a curious child. Was this what it was suppose to be like for me, but wasn’t?
Later that night, Vladimir showed up, glittering like the Night
“Hey I heard your settling in with the Wolves.”
I blushed. “Yeah, for now; I couldn’t refuse Mika’s offer. She was one of us.”
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Mika, leaning against the doorway, watching.
“What’s she doing?”
He smiled and fell to one knee. “In all my hundreds of years on this earth I have never wanted anything more. Will you marry me?”
I blushed furiously. “Marry you?”
“Yes, Marry me.”
I stared at him. I didn’t want to say no or yes to rashly.
“I’ll think on it.”
Vladimir seemed sad. “You’ll think on it?”
“Yes, I shall. I don’t know if I feel that way about you or if I ever could.”
I vanished.

Chapter Four: The arrangement

My apartment was growing dusty and disused. Instead of cleaning I would just leave old places and search for new ones, but something held me here. I stared at the faded velvet black out curtains. My mind went blissfully blank and eventually I began to doze. It was peaceful, almost dreamless.
Until she came, my mind thrilled as I dreamed of Mika, a normal human girl, walking through the halls of an overcrowded American high school.
Couldn’t I be normal too?
I shook my head. Normal? What’s normal anyway?
I wanted to be like her. A vampire hybrid, more human then monster; more alive then I was dead.
Then, I don’t think that’s possible anymore.
“Oh, it’s possible. I think it’d be difficult but you’d benefit.”
“How?” I stared at her, she smiled.
“If I found you someone willing to work the alchemy to bring you back. The werewolf would have to be male. It’s our tradition.”
I sat up, excited. Was this what I’d been waiting for? Was it possible to be saved, to die?
“What about Vlad?”
“What about him?”
I stared at her. “Don’t you remember?”
“Oh that. Well, I don’t know. How do you feel about him?”
For a moment I reminisced. I could see him with a mortal’s eyes, even now and he took my breath away. Did that mean I loved him?
“He’s gorgeous.” I blushed. She smiled. “I mean, I can still see him, hungry, so close to a brink that I didn’t know existed.”
“Then you’ve made your choice haven’t you?”
I sat in silence for a moment, thinking.
“Yes. I will stay as I am.”
Mika kissed me gently on the cheek. Her way of saying a final good-bye. I began to cry.
“Will you listen for me?”
“Always on the wind, my child.”
I began to sob, tears I couldn’t hide or perhaps wouldn’t. There is no shame in loving someone, no shame in missing them even if they are not gone.
“Good-bye, Mika.”
She vanished.
******
My depression worsened as the days went on. Nights spun on forever and I never saw her again, my dear friend. I heard tell of her, wonderful stories and legends being born in her new lifetime. I smiled slightly to myself. Legends, but hadn’t she always been the stuff of them?
“Perhaps, she seems to have fascinated you, dear wife.”
“Only with her magic tricks, vanishing and reappearing randomly. Everyone has seen her but me. I wish I knew where she was.”
As if on cue a pale phantom appeared.
“Mika?”
She was bleeding, collapsing on our floor.
“Hello friend. I had to,” she coughed and blood sprayed in a pretty fan on the floor. “Find somewhere to go. There’s a terrible battle being raged. The Vampires attacked and claimed many of my tribe. Please give me sanctuary.”
I reached for her. “You’re dying! Mika, what have you done?”
I drew her close, cradling her frail body. I thought of what she must have been like as a vampire. More beautiful then any other creature in this pathetic world and now she was dying.
“I feel so foolish.” She said, eyes closing as life slipped away. “So foolish for giving away the only protection I had for love.”
“No, no, no! Come on don’t give up!”
“Good-bye friend, never give up what makes you a perfect person.”


The End

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