Birthday • 1993-04-08 Gender •
Female Location • in the darkness where no light shines through...is someone searching for me? Member Since • 2006-02-07
Personal
Talents • smiling like everything is right when everything is wrong
myOtaku.com: Dark4893
Welcome to my site archives. 10 posts are listed per page.
yesterday, i went to my friend's b-day party. it was fun cuz she has a trampoline. we saw Stick It which wasn't so good. ate pizza, and played DDR!!! then we "talked" in the trampoline. it got sad cuz of the depressing stories... Eeyore Lover 93 was there too.
as for how i'm feeling, i have to be honest...not so good. but i don't think i care about him anymore, i mean this. i was sick of drowning in my own pain. i think i hate him, not like he cares. it's really stupid how i have been thinking that he actually cares. it's pathetic that i keep blaming myself for everything and keep on thinking of the past. i'm sick of wishing he would be here, constantly wondering why it happened. i'm breaking free from his ties. it's better this way. i don't care anymore.
i love this song. i have been listening to it lately.
Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden
today (11/7) at p.e., it was so hot and we were doing pacers (running back and forth within a time limit and u keep count of how many times u run back and forth). my friend did about 65, i think, but cuz it was so hot. he did 80,84, something like that, last time. he was so exhausted after though. (only did 20 something -_- ) i only miss 1 on my science test! so that's my day. as for my situation, i'm better and i thought things through clearly. i did find out something that i wanted to know, but once i found out, it hurted more. but i'm helping that person in secret...shhh. yeah i think it's better if i help "them" instead. it would hurt but if that person is happy, that's good enough. i hope that person will be happy and that my help is beneficical. but i realized i have a lack of trust in people and i don't know why. i think it started since the last four months. it's weird. so i'm happy and extremely hyper rite now. lol but i'm sleepy, gonna go to sleep cuz i'm typing this at 9:40pm and i went to sleep really late last nite. -_-
thank you Omnius for ur analysis, it helped get my priorities straight.
forgot to tell u guys. if u remember the poems i had posted before, i submitted the one about my mind. and my teachers picked it as the many who are going to be submitted to the contest. so i got selected, meaning i have a chance at winning, but i don't really care cuz i just wrote it without thinking. lol. as for my "problems", i'm okay through the helps from u guys. so thank you very much: Omnius, Kogasgirl4evr, theotakufan, dark wich, kradsgirl, gogetta19, MemoryofaFinalmix, GoTHIc MurDeRer, FurabuRIN, crazy1asian, and many others. i'm doing much better!!! still a little sad, but that's normal. lol
the day it all went away. it's not important though, it's just something for me to keep track of.
i feel sad today cuz i saw some things that made a deeper cut in my heart. i wish i could let go and forget it all. i can’t handle seeing them. i can’t handle the present. i’m afraid that my time is running, i don’t have much time left. it’s gonna be too late. i’m pathetic, i hate myself for not able to something important, but rather someone else did it. i want to go back to the past. i hate the present. i don’t want to cry anymore. it hurts trying to smile each day, pretending i’m over it. it’s gotten to hard to deal with it all. i want to run away, to escape this pain. but i still constantly wish for his happiness even if it means for me to drown in my own pain. i just want to be alone and maybe the pain will disappear and i’ll forget my memories. or when i wake up from my sleep, it will all just be a dream. i don’t blame him, i blame myself. i want to know the truth that lies behind everyone’s eyes. i need him but i can’t never expect anything out of him. it would just hurt me more. my happiness is only temporary. i wonder if there's really anything left to hold on to or is it merely my imagination? if only he ever knew, would he care? would he show it?
go to my photobucket, my username is Dark4893. and u could see some pictures of my friends and other people. my picture is not on there. Kogasgirl4ever and theotakufan, if u see the pictures, can u pm me? have some stuff to tell you.
i’m gonna go to sleep and maybe when i wake up, it’s all a dream or i forget and i will be happy somehow. i find this impossible.
he calmed me down. he made stop crying and made me smile a little. he got rid of my thoughts of suicide and running away. i don't know how he did it. if he didn't help me, i might have left already. so i feel better, but there are still some sadness inside of me. my house is so quiet but you could feel the tension there. theres sadness, pain, anger, and confusion.
this the continuetion of the post below
i want to leave. it hurts so much. i have cried for the past two days. my world is so messed up. because of my sister, my mom and dad are fighting. my sister and niece are crying. i don't want to hear it anymore. i want to run away. thers no one i can turn to anymore. i used to turn to him, but he's not here. it hurts so much. it's so loud, i can't take it. i really don't want to hear it anymore and i want to leave. there's nowhere i can go. i want the arguing to stop. i hate my niece's dad. i wish he would die and leave us alone. i want to stop crying, i don't want to hear anymore, i don't wanna see. just stop it all, all this pain. i feel like dying. there's no one i can go to, i need him. i want to go to him. i want someone to hold me. i want to run away. i can't stop crying. why won't all this misery end? first, it was him and now this again. i can't stand this, i want to commit suicide. it hurts so much. my head is hurting. i feel so lost, i want to runaway so badly. i can't talk to anyone.
NOTE: extremely happy and hyper. must be careful around. i'm very dangerous at this moment. -insert evil laugh- ...see? lol
happy halloween to myOtaku family!!! love u guys!!! who's going trick-or-treating??? i'm gonna go and i'm going as a school girl with purple streaks in her hair. *i have long hair* apparently, i couldn't be Haku. -cries- anyways i'm in a super hyper mood rite now!! yays!!! i'm gonna have so much fun!!! -dancing- sorrie about that, got caught up. lol. hope u will have a totally awesome, safe (haha) halloween!!! i'm gonna go get my stuff(toilet paper rolls, etc.) just kidding!!! -evil look- oh yeah, be sure to share ur candy with me... or else i'll use my super awesome ninja skills on u. u have been warned. -flys away in a super fast speed-
.............
-flys back-
forgot...so are u going trick-or-treating? and wat are u dressing up as?
if u reply no to the trick-or-treating question and said nothing to the costume question, tell me why!!! (u think ur just too old, don't u!!! *mean mode rite now*)just kidding!!! byebye now!!!
thank you to everyone who told me to be happy or even understood how i was feeling. i really appreciate it that u cared. -smiles-
update on my life at school since my vacation. lol let’s see, remember how it was @$$-smacking week. well i got smacked on thursday…by a guy. -_- anyways, i got colored hair-spray and i’m gonna use it on Halloween!!! guess wat color it is. i also finally got my own digital camera and i love it. my friends hate it cuz well they hate cameras and their own pictures. which is kinda funny. XP
MY SITUATION:
i been feeling worse than i have ever been. i’m getting depressed again and it’s worse than before. i don’t want to feel depressed again, it’s hurts a lot. i have been crying myself to sleep again. thinking about those memories that kill me inside. but i wear a fake smile outside and they don’t realize wat’s going on. i don’t think i can handle these things anymore. i can’t stand being blame for things that aren’t my fault. why do they keep on blaming me when i didn’t even do anything. if only he knew wat he’s doing to me. why does he do all those things to me? it hurts so much to a point where i don’t want to exist anymore. i’m starting to hate myself again. i want to blame it all on him but i just can’t. i think i hate him but i don’t. how can he be so cruel without even realizing it? everywhere i go, i see something that reminds me of those times and i can’t take it anymore. then there’s other who just used me as a tool. they only need me for their advantage, to make things simpler for them, something just to help them and be left on the side after. i really can’t take it anymore. i need anymore problems from anybody, i already have enough of my own. so why can everyone just stop blaming me and using me as a tool? i think i hate them now. this excludes from my family and a few friends of mine. i’m sorrie, this is the only place where i can say everything. i can’t tell my friends, he, or anyone else. they don’t care, they don’t want to listen. i’m sorrie. i just feel like crying right now. there’s probably only one person who can stop me from crying and make everything rite again, but he doesn’t care about me. i don’t want to be depressed again… -_-
