Wednesday, October 11, 2006

today was...

~MY MOOD: a bit crummy, a bit hyper, a bit confused, and a bit lost. how about u? ~MY DAY: it was okay. nothing much. i made someone sad again. -_- i feel so crummy, i hurt that person so easily that it kills me. in fact, i care about that person a lot, i love that person, yet i hurt them. i'm confused becuz i can't figure out wats in everyone's minds lately, it's like a puzzle. i can't tell if whether it's a lie or the truth. maybe it's just me. then i still don't know wats in his mind and if i'm interfering them with my past. but don't worry about me, i'll be fine soon. i'll be happy soon cuz nothing can bring me super down and cause to not smile again. ~MY PROBLEMS: i can't decide which high school i should go to. there's this school (#1) that kinda suck but almost everyone is going there, including "him". but there's this other school (#2) that's okay and it will be more convient for my mom. but i wanna go to #1 because "he" is going there and i wanna go to #2 because i also wanna get away from "him". yet i'm afraid of not seeing him almost everyday. wat should i choose? and i think everyone hates me now, i feel so unloved. ~APPRECIATION: thank you to theotakufan for giving me lots of advice and listening to my story. thank you Kogasgirl4ever for giving me cool advice and also listening to my many, many problems...so much drama...lol. *i'll tell him i'm under house arrest...lol!* thank you anime girl 1 for smiling! thank you RYUICHI SAKUMA92 for all ur hugs. thank you crazy1asian for making me laugh a lot even when u don't mean too...and for being there... and thanks to anyone else i forgot to mention...forgive me!!! okay well bye bye for now ~we are only puppets of fate

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006

hehe... XP

my mood rite now: pretty hyper and happy XP why: im not sure. i guess i just woke up and stop getting sad because of him... my day: well i had an okay time at school. i have this squeaky little furry thing called a chuzzle. *anybody played that game? yes its a game, pretty weird.* well because it squeaks i kept on annoying my friend, crazy1asian. it was hilarious because he wanted to take it away but he felt. ha u suck crazy1asian! *i meant that in a very loving way...lol* XP problems: in my other post, i said someone likes me and wants to get with me. well he said that i was cute and he wants to get with me. he talked to me over the phone and he's really funny but i don't like him that way. so i don't know wat to do. questions: how do i say no to him in a very nice way even though i said no 3 times? well i'll ttyl u guys later. u guys rock!!! *hugs* XP ~we are only puppets of fate...

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Sunday, October 8, 2006

i want to cut the ties that bounds him...

okay i'm don't know wat to say. i think i just have to get over the past because it's over and i can't change that fact. as for the reason why, i'll use the excuse, it wasn't meant to be. i don't believe that but it might help me get over things easier. i haven't been happy lately. i end up crying when i see him or hear his voice. i can't put back the shattered pieces, so letting free will be the best thing i do for him. i'll cut the ties that had once bound us and let him go free. then i will be the one left in the tangled mess and maybe one day, someone save me. i hope that it will be him returning, but i know that will not happen. i can't keep running away from the problem and lying to myself, so i need to face the problem. i hope that i won't break down again. i want to make everything okay again. i wish for his happiness even if i must stay in the entangled mess forever. i want him to smile and find someone who loves him more than i can ever do. i want him to forget me. i want him to be free. and i want to be left alone just long enough for him to not see me. i can't stand to hurt him nor make him sad. i'm afraid of falling in love. i'm glad to have met him but i'm not sure if it was a good thing. i still think that it was a mistake, my mistake, a mistake of fate. i don't understand why he doesn't hate me or won't ignore me. he's too unpredictable, i can't tell what he is feeling. but i only wish for his happiness and i hope he can't find it elsewhere because i can't give him happiness. i am someone who ends up hurting her most loved one, they are all bound to gat hurt by me, it's my fate. i am sorrie, please forgive me. i'll understand if u can't.

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Saturday, October 7, 2006

my breaking point

i cant take it anymore. all these regrets, pain, sufferings inside of me. im at my breaking point. i cant stand to see him, hear his voice, be around him. it hurts too much. i wish to forget, i wish to start everything over. maybe life would be better if i was a puppet, someone to control me, i would be emotionless, lifeless...nothing. i cant stand being so close and not be able to do anything. i want to be free from his bounds that ties me. i wish to be free, free from this pain. it hurts too much for me to handle. my mind tells me to let go but my heart still holds on. why? i started to hate myself and i wish to disappear, to be numb...to not feel any more pain. i dont how much more i can take. i cant stand crying anymore, each fallen tear hurts even more. i dont know wat to do now, i cant turn back time nor can i fix things. its broken, there is no possible way to repair the pieces. i hate myself for hurting him. theres nothing i can do except walk away and pretend nothing happened and let him go. i wish to be ignore by others now, so i cant hurt them and they cant hurt me.

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Friday, October 6, 2006

confusion

well yesterday nite at 12, i realized that i should be happy and stop being soooooooo depressed. but today, someone make me really sad and messed-up. its probably also my fault. then someguy i know, likes me and wants to get with me and its getting confusing. i only think of that guy as a friend thats why. im in love with someone else who ignores me a lot. i still dont know why i like him. im really confuse and sad. i also hate the fact that i cant hate the guy i like. im torn between the past and present, lies and truth, choices i have to make, and so many other things. and im not really leaving but i wish i could just for a while. im lost. i cant tell who everyone truly is especially him. sometimes he acts like he cares then he acts like he hates me. maybe he should hate me. the worse thing that could ever happen is that ill cut my wrist. a lot of people called me stupid and i admit that i am

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Thursday, October 5, 2006

stay away from me before...

i want to say sorrie because im constantly hurting other people. i was warned that my words can kill but... well i want to apologize to the people i have hurt. the more i say the more they get sad. i wish they would push me away then i wont be able to hurt them. the good thing is someone is already starting to push me away. it would be a wonderful thing if i went away for a while or forever. no one that i care about will get hurt by me or they wont be disgusted by me. and then i wont be filled with regrets. i apologize to this one person, that person should really stay away from me, before i hurt him again. im useless so u should leave me alone...that will be something u wont regret. it will be the best thing u can do. so please...stay away from me before i do something regretful again. i fear of hurting someone i love.

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Wednesday, October 4, 2006

leave me alone

to Eeyore Lover 93: yep its u-know-who and u-know-who together. it kills me to see them. but its not like it matters. to crazy1asian: let me be emo!!! i am emo and i did cut myself, but u didnt care to notice! and u shouldnt, so just let me be. please. to Kogasgirl4ever: thnx for helping me so much and listening to me and my problems to theotakufan: ill need to find the video, might be a while though. sorrie. today sucks. im soooooooo depressed. maybe i just need to be alone to think things through. im really tired of seeing them and hearing wat they have to say. (to Eeyore Lover 93: same u-know-who) i just gonna go to sleep now and hopefully wake up and everything was just a dream.

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Tuesday, October 3, 2006

its all my fault...

today i feel even more sad... i saw someone with another someone and i started blaming everything on me. i wish i could turn back time! its soooooooo hard pretending to be happy... some of my memories that i had forgetten or wish to forget started to play in my head. then i had even more regrets but some1 told me that i shouldnt regret... so im gonna try not to. well everything that happens is blame on me, so u can blame things on me too if u want. it always end up being my fault even when i have NOTHING to do with it. one of the many reasons why im emo. but yeah go ahead and blame everything on me...its not like u should care how i feel. if he doesnt care, neither should u guys. im also being quiet again and ignoring things around me. sorrie for being so sad, thats also my fault. my fault for writng this post, my faultif anything happens at all even if its thousands of miles away from me... well ill ttyl much later (my fault too).

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Monday, October 2, 2006

   my day...

it kinda suck... toady in one class, we had to make a poster about 4 themes in the movie "Akeelah and the Bee" in our groups. but now im stuck doing it all by myself. -_- "Akeelah and the Bee" is a good movie by the way, its about a girl who is a good speller and she entered a spelling bee. i also saw a lot of unhappy things today. -_- guess wat? im ignored by him again. but yeah...nothing i can do. im sleepy by the way. im gonna go to sleep now. *yawn* bye... -_-

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Sunday, October 1, 2006

   MOVIES!!!!

i went to go see The Guardian with my middle sister. it was pretty cool. some of it was sad...*teary* my niece went to go watch Open Season. she says its really funny. now i wanna go see it.

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