Thursday, September 28, 2006

why does it hurt so much?

why havent i given up like im suppose to? are those thoughts true or just lies? is everything just a lie? is it? if it is, please stop all these lies, they are killing me inside. i start to think that i have found the solution to please everyone well at least him, but then i end up falling again and its painful. when i fall, there is no one to catch me. but thats good. i dont want to hurt another person and end up regreting it later. i should block those feelings, lock them up, back off, turn around and pretend nothing happen...become nothing again. i want to tell him something but i cant and he probably wont care either way. so it shouldnt matter. only 160 days left with him... how long can i last before breaking down in front of him? will i ever be okay again? will i ever be happy again like the times i was with him, when he wouldnt let me go... but i might be hurting him this instance. i wonder should i just smile and walk away like nothing ever happen... it doesnt matter, i would still hurt inside. i still cry. i really am pathetic and stupid. i even laugh at myself...

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Tuesday, September 26, 2006

what should i do?

i wonder wats really going on in everyones heads. wat they are really thinking. i cant tell if they hate me, want me 2 go away, or something else. but there is only one person that keeps me thinking. i can never tell wats really in his mind. does he mean all the stuff he says? is everything just a joke, a lie, a setup, or is it really the truth? is all the things he say is on accident, on purpose, or it just how it is? is everything in my world just a lie? wats going on lately? was i ever interfering or was there never anything in the first place? i wonder wat am i suppose to do now? im so lost. not sure if i should back up and ignore everything. should i keep on doing that? i know im already nothing to him, i know i shouldn’t be near him, i know that the past cant be change, i know all this things, but why cant i back off and let go? why so many questions? i was close to forgetting and letting go but then he comes back and it starts all over again. why am i suppose to do?

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Sunday, September 24, 2006

this pain kills me inside...

he makes me so happy that it kills me inside... whats gone is gone, it cant return... it never does heal completely... its over, let it go... but before i let go, i want to ask him a question. i want to know this before its too late. but will he answer them, i wonder. does he still love me? thats all i want to know rite now. thats all but maybe its too much to ask for. after all, i am nothing to him. so why would he answer me. i have to stop before it will be to late. i need to lock my feelings away. maybe that will be my solution. i apologize to him thinking that i had a chance, for interfering, for showing feelings. i apologize for all my actions, its all my fault. i never meant to do all this, but ill disappear from ur life soon. so dont worry, just think of me as nothing. it will be better this way. just leave me, stay away from me before i hurt u again. my words can kill. just stay away from me.

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Saturday, September 23, 2006

why?

i have just realized that i should have given up a long time ago. i realized that i am the one that has been interfering not that person. i wonder why i didnt notice that. why did i deny that it was me all along? im just that stupid, that blind. now that i know the truth, why cant i let go? i dont know why. i need some time thats all, but maybe time is not enough, maybe ill never will let go. im messed up, thats all. i always wish to see him everyday even though i shouldnt and i have tried not to. yet i fear of not seeing him for a while which will happen soon. im afraid of not talking to him, hearing his voice. he makes me so happy that it kills me rite now. i cant stand it. but i keep on wanting to be near him even though i am nothing to him.

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Wednesday, September 20, 2006

everything is my fault...

i now understand that i was alone all along. he was gone but i couldnt face the truth. so i kept on hoping that one day he would come back to me. i realized that i was just lying to myself. he doesnt want anything to do with me. in fact he hates me. now why was it that i was so blind and see the truth? im so stupid and now here i am crying. but i brought this a upon myself so i wont blame anyone but myself. but i have to see him everyday and the pain inside of me is unbearable. the pain of seeing him, seeing him with someone else, my regrets of not cherishing him before, seeing him ignore me, knowing that i am nothing to him, not even an existence in his life. for i am invisible and i have no value. at least not to him. im just someone he once knew and now im just some annoying girl who wont leave him alone. i have decided to forget everything but its just so hard. theres nothing i can really do but just stand on the side and watch everyone pass me and ignore me. for i am invisible but thats probably my fault also, for my voice is too small. for i keep everything inside. evrything is my fault either way so it makes no difference if i get hurt anymore. i now understand that i have gotten numb inside, cant really feel anything anymore, im just a mere existence in someones life with no value. in his eyes, i am nothing.

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Saturday, September 16, 2006

   left alone...

for i am left alone. for i have forgotten my status. for i have started to die inside. for i have no meaning. for i have cried and cried again. he wont talk to me. he wont look at me. he wont listen to me. he wont open up to me. he wont come near me. he wont see me. for i am invisible. i wont be the one he seeks help from. i wont be the one to help him. i wont be the one he sees. i wont be his anything. for i am a nobody. no one shall see me. so why is it that i am still holding on. for i am not the one for him. that is just how fate is. i will never be the one he holds onto anymore. for i am dead to him. for i am already dying inside. for i am invisible. and that is how it will ever be. for this pain inside of me and him wont relinquish. that is how life is. once a wound, remains a scar. it never does heal completely. for i shall now give up when darkness turns to light. i shall now let go. forever.

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Thursday, September 14, 2006

i got a very important task!!!

i am attempting to help a very important friend to be able to truly smile again which will be very hard. cuz he wont open up and now he wont talk and will ignore me when ill try to make him talk. this might be impossible but im gonna try anyways. but he said that i might make things worse so now i have to think before i speak...which is hard. -_- but for him, im determined to help and hopefully free him of his pain. so please root for me and i will try not to lose hope. i also think that i only have a year limit cuz we r going to different high school. but please support me cuz this is important to me. ttyl

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Tuesday, September 12, 2006

i need help!!!!

can somebody please tell me to wake up and stop lying to myself?

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Sunday, September 10, 2006

my story continued...

i ened up crying again last nite. im so confused. i wish i can say my feelings out loud cuz it hurts so much inside. wat does it mean 2 love someone? why does it hurt so much? why must my memories torment me? why is it that im still holding on when i've should let go a long time ago? why cant i get over him? i still love him thats why but i cant do anything about it. my voice is too small. my heart is locked in the darkness. its my fault anyway so i cant complain. but for now, i just need to wear a mask and pretend everything is perfect when its really not. i'll just keep on crying at nite where no one can see me. again i apologize if i made anyone sad.

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Saturday, September 2, 2006

my story...

i had a dream one that was just so perfect. one that i wish to become reality but i know it was impossible. in this dream i was so happy, i felt happy, actually happy in such a long time. but dreams have to end. when i woke up, i started crying. that dream was something i longed for, but i know that dream would never come true. because its a little too late for me to make any difference in reality. what lost cant be found again. im still crying inside each day but there isnt anything i can do. i lost that person and nothing cant undo that fact. all i can do is say sorry or thank you or try to make that person happy. to me making that person is the only thing that matters rite now. im sorrie if i made anyone sad.

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