Saturday, November 17, 2007

............Warning: Extremely long post - Rants/Vents
Listening To: Dizzee Rascal - Old Skool
Mood: Just woken up?

JUST SO YOU KNOW, WHEN I SAY THIS POST IS LONG - I TRULY MEAN IT - BUT THEN THIS IS MY LIFE FOR THE PAST YEAR SO WHAT YOU EXPECT LOL!

Hey all, glad to see i weren't the only ones missing you lot xD And i'm definately happy to see those particular people comment!! Well, how about i get this over and done with and explain what i've been up too huh? It's guna be a long story so get comfy now lol. And i noticed the last time i posted was just short of a year ago, so i have alot to get through.

Ok, lets start at college yeah? Well i went through it all fine and dandy, made some friends (& some enemies but that always happens to me). Passed everything, got a Merit for all my coursework (highest > lowest - destinction/merit/pass) which is the middle grade so i was quite pleased with that, considering not only did i hate the whole entire course but at one point i was seriously considering dropping out altogether. I can't say i keep in touch with anyone from college, every now and again me and rosie send emails to eachother but college was never somewhere i went to get friends, i simply went there to make me 'more employable'.

Well the main bulk of this story will come from my work experience (turned full time work), for 2 weeks during end of January/beginning of February i had to find work doing something secreterial/admin like. Well one of my teachers knew that i was a car nut (i would sit there reading a car mag all the time =P) and suggested i ring round car dealerships and get something there, after failing miserably she gave me the number of a family run garage to ring up. Which i did. The lady (Jean - a friend for life) told me to come in and check out the place - which she told me later she actually wanted to check me out, make sure i werent no scatty/slutty girl. Which once again, i did. And i got a job there for 2 weeks, loved it, i mean truly loved it, truly thought i found the place i belonged at.

The people were brilliant, funny and all weird n wonderful in their own ways. After the two weeks, i was dreading not ever seeing em again, so i asked Jean if i could work through my week holiday, which i did, and after that i went back every wednesday (my day off college). During this time i grew really close to one person in particular, Shane. He was quite abit older than me, him being 29 (at that time) me being 19, but it honestly didn't bother me, and from what i could tell, didn't bother him either. We would talk for hours about everything n anything, i compltely let my guard down with him and told him about my whole depression and suicidal bid a few years back. And he told me things about his past. Everyone knew me and him were really close, and no one said anything, he would drive me home from work etc. A few times when i got invited to different things (from ppl at work obv), such as Craig's b-day at the casino, Scott's bbq, Brett's karoke thing, me and Shane were always together, i felt safe around him. And i knew he fancied me, and if i didn't the way ppl spoke about us made me know damn sure he did. But at that point i didn't see him like that, and told Ann (receptionist there on Mon/Tues) and she related it back to him.

Then i started working at the garage permantely after college finished (it was only a year course), this is when we really hit it off, and at that point i realised - i liked him back. And one day i went karting with him (he owns his own kart) and we had a massive conversation about relationships - me saying that sometimes you have to wait till you know for sure, him saying you sometimes had to take risks or you end up alone. And on the way home he said he could understand where he went wrong with his ex (who he had been with for 15yrs), and my heart felt cold. So when he dropped me off home, i txt him after mulling through my head, asking him if he got back with his ex where that left me and him. And we had another big conversation about all that.

For a few weeks after that night (after we both realised we both liked eachother) we flirted shamelessly - not that i didnt flirt with some of the others, its funny being as perverted as some males xD And then one day when mum picked me up from work my older sister started saying how he looked older than he was (i actually thought he looked younger) and how he werent good looking, and it really got to me, had an argument with her. When i got in i txt Shane, saying could i go round his, biggest mistake of my life.

From that day we had a relationship going for about a week & a half, and during that time i foolishly thought we were guna last so much longer after everything we'd spoke about and done and i let him take that one thing i can never get back, the one thing no one can ever have now (i don't really wanna say exactly what it was, i hope you understand from that alone), the one thing i wanted to give to the person i was guna love for the rest of my life. The thing i told him countless times over the months i wanted to be my fairytale - the one thing in my fucking life i thought i had control over.

And exactly a week later after that day, he dumped me. At work never the less. Told me i was too young. I'M SORRY ASSHOLE BUT I THOUGHT YOU REALISED MY AGE WHEN I FUCKING STARTED AND TOLD EVERYONE!! I was completely heartbroken, i felt dirty and used and completely heartbroken, i told Jean i had 'pains' and she let me go home, so many people offered me a lift home, even Shane, can you believe it? I had to stand there n wait for Brett (i told Shane i couldn't be near him at that point), i had to fight back the tears, honestly i can't remember ever having to hold back the tears so much - i wouldn't cry in front of him or any of em. After that, me and Shane had on and off weeks, somedays i treated him exactly like i did before we done anything, other days i flat out ignored him. My head was all over the place. We had several arguments after that, me telling him i didn't regret what had happened, just how soon it happened, saying i wish he woulda told me had doubts about us from the very beginning. And at one point he told me he regretted the whole thing. God can you imagine? I was heartbroken as it was and he turns round and says he regrets it? Words can't explain.

After a few months me and Shane simply spoke to eachother when necessary, we had a lil conversation every now n again but that was all. And during that time i finally got over him, and yet up till about 2 weeks ago people still thought i liked him, hah!

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago i went out with a guy called Zane, who comes to the garage reguarly and who is friends with Shane. Now i know Zane liked me more than just a friend, but i never felt the same back to him (which i told him when we went out a second time - so no, i didn't string him along), so when we went out obviously everyone thought it was a date, which it werent if anyone had asked me about it, i was simply going to the cinema with a mate. And can you believe it, Shane warned Zane off me?! Telling Zane not to let me make a mug of me, asking Zane what we had spoke about, whether we spoke about him or not. Fucking paranoid or what? That was it, i had a massive row with Shane, telling him to keep his nose out of peoples business, and if i didnt make a mug of him why would i do it to Zane? I didnt even like the guy in that way for fuck sake! And Shane said he had to warn him what a monster i was - im sorry but what? Last time i looked you dumped me and left me heartbroken, not the other way round!

After all that i found out Shane had once jokingly said (yeah - fucking really funny this is) to Craig that, and quote "now that i've fucked her she can piss off". I was speechless when Zane related this back to me. Absoutely stunned, what did i do to deserve such cruelty? Had i not suffered enough knowing he had taken it from me, now he was laughing at me for it?

This latest occurances happened probably about a month ago, i knew for a long time he had been laughing at me for stupid things, never to my face mind you. Since then i've had my best friend Phil tell me he's guna kill Shane, cos i think Phil is the only one who truly realises how much that one thing meant to me - and then for Shane to make sure a mockery of me afterwards - and how much i truly hurt. I mean, now, i'm near enough completely over it, but i will always remember this - and remember how hurtful the whole experience was. This was meant to be the memory i had where i could look back n smile, but now that won't happen.

Now i realise just how important people like my friends and family are - they have not once judged me, simply been there for me to vent too - or sit there in silence and stare blankly out into space. I don't honestly think i've cried this many tears since i was depressed, and i know i havent had this feeling of ending it since then - but i know i wouldn't, cos people like him ain't worth it, actually, they ain't worth anything.

Needless to say, im looking for another job - i can't be near him anymore - and hopefully i'll be out of that place (which all my family/friends want) by the New Year.

Ok, well i told ya i've been mentally exhausted over the past year, i've been on such dramatic highs and lows its un-real. Those words don't describe nearly half of what i truly feel - but words can never really convey what you feel eh?
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Friday, November 16, 2007

Hello everyone =D Wow, erm, where do I start? Well for one quite clearly I never had the guts to permantely delete my site, how could I? Two, my life has been hectic over the past few months, and i truly mean that, not physically but mentally, i am totally exhausted.

Well why am i back? Well..i miss alot of you honestly, a few in particular that ive been naughty too and havent kept in touch with, but to be honest with ya, i've barely touched the internet for months and months, don't go on MSN at all, and i've only recently just started using Photoshop and LJ again. But i wanna see if i can come back here and feel like it use to for me, see if i can make those bonds back to how they were, possibly even stronger.

So if you wish to ask me questions, about what i done, or anything else you may feel like asking me fire away. I've certainly missed reading up on comments and posts!
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