Wednesday, May 23, 2007

   *a fanfare of trumpets and dramatic chords*


D: Good Day and welcome to the Darke o’clock news. I'm your host, Darke Angel and I bid you welcome. My co-host tonight is my muse, Tessa.

T: Good Day to you all.

D: With the weather we have my Guardian Angel Laura.

Lr: Greetings

D: With a traffic and travel report with have Luna.

Ln: How are you?

D: and with a sports report we’ll have Chibi Darke.

CD: Hi there!

D: but first the headlines.

T: World Famous Librarian Elizabeth Hayes has finally had her long awaited baby. It was a month overdue, and fined 78 pence.

D: Following the prediction of power-cuts this winter, Farmers from the Mid-West rushed out and panic-bought battery-hens

T: Henry, the famously short-sighted skunk at London Zoo has been reported to have fallen in love with a gas leak…

D: and sensational news from the Louvre Museum in Paris as state of the art technology has revealed the source of the Mona Lisa’s enigmatic smile. It turns out she was sitting on a whoopee cushion.

And now we turn to Laura with the Weather.

Lr: Thank you Darke. We will be covering weather from both sides of the altlantic today. Canada has had a beautiful summer, with clear skies all that day. In Mexico it will be Chilli today and hot tamale. Meanwhile in America its been so hot and dry that the catfish have ticks and the alligators have caught athletes foot.
Meanwhile in England it continues to be sunny during the day, getting darker as we head towards night. Back to you Darke.

D: Thank you Laura. Did you know I'm a conductor?

Lr: Really? An orchestral conductor?

D: No, a lightning conductor.

T: Speaking of massive shocks, we’ll be speaking to a One-Legged Scotsman who was wearing a kilt in the Lampshade department at Sears minding his own business until a shop assistant came round putting in new light bulbs…


D: I'm looking forward to having some light thrown on that subject.
Now we have Traffic and Travel with Luna.

Ln: Thank You Darke. Big news this week as Darke heads off to America on Saturday to start his work placement on a Summer Camp in Maryland. This also means he will be offline, more or less, until he returns, which could be anytime after august 19th.
Heavy Traffic if you’re heading northbound, a man who took the advice of the Road Safety Council to wear something white to as to be spotted more easily on the roads has been hit by a snow plough. A lot of mess clearing that one up.

And on the trains, expect delays as an obese Orca who has difficulty pronouncing his “R”s has got stuck at Waterloo station… upon enquiry, it was discovered he was looking for the Whale Weigh Station…

And be sure to watch tonight’s programme where I interview the Bionic Air Hostess who has been sleeping with the Automatic Pilot.

D: thank you Luna. By the way Luna, did you know that once, when I was on an aeroplane, the flight attendant came rushing in and made an announcement that both the pilot and co-pilot had passed out and was wondering if anybody knew how to operate a plane?

Ln: No I didn’t. what happened?

D: well, even though I had no idea how to control the machine, I stood up and volunteered.

Ln: How brave.

D: yeah…it took me 6 hours to get the damn thing off the runway and back to the terminal though…

And now we have sports news with Chibi Darke.


CD: Thank you Darke.
The Irish Indoor Games have been called off at the last minute due to good weather. And the Charity Slowest Horse Race in the world is drawing to a conclusion. Stewards have decided to opt for an oil-paint finish…
And just in, the Soccer game between Hypochondriac Wanderers and the National Health Service 5-aside team has just entered the 2nd hour of injury time.

D: Thank you Chibi Darke. Speaking of doctors, did you hear about the short tempered Intern who went home early?

CD: why did he do that?

D: He didn’t have any patients…

And that’s all from us tonight. We leave you with news that an infamous Pimp has been forced to drive his prostitution business underground. This is bad news for the needy man in the street, but the coal miners are ecstatic.

T: The mystery of the Chimney in the middle of the Sahara Desert has been finally cleared up this morning. Interviews with the engineer reveals that he read his plans upside down…it was meant to be a Well.

D: An anonymous Lottery Winner who had been reported to have fainted at the news of his win and fell into a vat of plaster is today said to be set for life.

T: and finally a new word game has been released for those members of the public who have poor literacy. It’s called Scalarrable.

D: Join us tonight when we’ll be meeting Reverend Jim Styles who will be telling us that cleanliness is next to godliness, but only in an Irish Dictionary

T: and we’ll be interviewing the undernourished Hollywood Hell-Raiser who has been thrown out of more restaurants then he’s had hot dinners.

D: And we’ll have Dr. Phil here talking about a clumsy burglar who feared he was losing his touch until the good doctor told him to take things quietly for a while.


T: So it’s good night from us all here in the studio

D: and I will see you all again in September with tales of my adventures in America.

I hope you enjoyed the show. Most of Tonight’s gags have been supplied by The Two Ronnies comedy show.

Once again, have a good summer and I shall see you when I return.

I leave you with the amazing shout out list! Shouting Out to all my friends here, including new friends!:

Angel Zakuro!
Olette-chan!
Time Chaser!
HaseoLuver92!

Excellent Friends!:

AleXavier!
Grifter99!
Tarokun!
Chobit chi!
Blue Eyes!
Knox!
Hassei!
Shireishou!
Vamp2004!
Travelling Disciple!
Xanth Reborn!
Otemba!
Purgatory!
Princess Ookumae!
Dark Phoenix!
Lucifers Wife!
Mew Wem!
Ikuu-nyu-kon!
Red Tigress!
Weaver!
Yukina123!
Watasefan!



Special TN Shoutout to:

Flueky!
Mitzy!
Ryuu-Kaiba!
Shadowtiger69!
Cee-kari!

And supah special shout outs to:

Sailor Firestar!
Raina!

And to anyone else I may have forgotten: eyy! *sticks up thumbs*


Until next time…






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