Friday, June 15, 2007

F it all >.
Well, I went to Wal*Mart the other day. Ran into a friend that doesn’t exactly live near where I do. So, it was kind of odd seeing him there; running into him like that. I soon found out later what he was doing there, and why he was in the area. I was shocked… still don’t know it I believe him fully…


But, that’s no what I’m here to type about. I had mention a friend’s name, and well… I found out something interesting about him. Which, our friend had told my friend [that I ran into Wal*Mart] about.

He was trying to score with me.

Which explains a few things… a lot of things, actually. All those time he wanted to hang out with me… He just wanted to see if he can “score” with me.

Yet again, I was being used. How many times would this one make? I’ve lost count now. Mostly every guy that I’ve met has used me in some way or another, or in some type of form—cheating, trying to score one, or betted on whom gets me first.

It doesn’t hurt, however. Being use to it by now and all.

I’ve been played with so many times, I’ve become some Toy for everyone—not just guys trying to score, but others as well now—to use.

Makes me want to abuse my body. What difference would it make if I did?

I’m living up to my life’s title…

Life’s Little Toy —
To be used, abused, and played with.

Today was hell at work. I don’t want to talk about it, I’m so pissed off. Family has been kinda annoying and pissing me off, too.

Life has been… well, Hell… for lack of better word.

Work has been stressful as ever.

Home… has been annoying, like always.

I want to quit work. I don’t need all that stress. I got more than enough from school, and I sure as heck don’t need any more of it. Plus, I get a handful more at home on top of all that annoyance. And let’s not forget about the bull crap I receive from work, too. All of the pile up on one another with a few other things here and there… it’s just not worth it. It’s not worth staying in that work. It’s not worth staying with my family.

All this is making me get headaches everyday now. It’s getting to the point where I don’t do anything and they just come and start pounding. Then there are those dizzy spells I get after working at the end of the day. Like the headache, they too come when I’m not doing anything. I’d just be sitting on the computer chair and suddenly things seem to feel weird. Makes me think I have some stress related illness. I wouldn’t be surprised if I do.

I’m so tempted to do things right now, just to end it all.

Like quitting. If I do quit, I just can become a nanny in FL for my aunt. She wants one, and even said that she wanted to hire me. So… I could just simply call her up, ask if I can and then pay for my own ticket there, and my stuff there, too, without my parents knowing. Well, my mom at least for a bit. My dad won’t care… he can take me to the airport. That way, I’ll be away from this family, but still have a job. –nods- Sounds good, ne?

Another thing is… Well, let’s not talk about it. But, for once… I really, really want to do it. Sure, I’ve thought about it many times, but always told myself ‘Nah, this isn’t worth it… Not now.’ Yet, now… with all this crap-stuff going on, it seems like now would be a good time to start. It’ll be my new stress reliever. Since music is kind of failing at it… with all the new bull crap and stuff. And, I don’t care what anyone thinks about it. So don’t come talking to me about how I shouldn’t do it, tying to stop me. It was bound to happen sooner or later anyways.

Gah, I’m not feeling so well now. Headache, feel like throwing up… blah. So, I’m going to go now.

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