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• 1991-12-12
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• 2005-08-21
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• 3rd year student at T.A.Blakelock high school, Cook in The Longos Kitchen
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• Micheline

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• Beat RE4 31 times, Got 84,456 point in mercenaries, Have more than 300 manga ^^, Saw MCR live twice, and got 97% in maths
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• 1997
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• Get a million points in RE4 mercenaries. Meet MCR [I will I know it]
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myOtaku.com: DarkRini


Thursday, July 5, 2007

.....
You see what I'm trying to beat isn't a video game. I hope none of you thought that. Who gets depressed over a video game.

It's a an impulse disorder called Trichotillomania. I've been trying to beat it for 7 years now. After seven years I still haven't beat it. I've been pulling out my eyelashes, eyebrows occasionally, and nose hairs. Sometimes hair on my arms. Some you may think it's not that bad not having eyelashes. Well thats not true. It's horrible. Every time I look in the mirror I cry. I can't wear makeup on my eyelids without looking stupid and my eyes don't get as much attention as others. I look dull without them. I just look really dull. I get scared every time I let myself pull some eyebrows. I get angry If I do. Go home cry in my room. More pulling just occurs. I don't want to look in the mirror one day and be terrified of the person I see. I just imagine every day what it would be like if I did have eyelashes. Would I look prettier? would I actually like myself?. I even question why I do it. Maybe it's depression, stress I don't know what it is. It's just confusing to me and the people around me. How long will this last? I'm not sure. I just proved to myself that my attempts usually fail. I could go longer but I'd just cave in the end. I need some sort of alternative option. I don't know what but I need something to do to occupy my hands so I don't pick at things. I'm just glad I haven't gone and pulled hair off the top of my head. I don't know what I'd do with myself if that occurred. Maybe I'd actually die. Oh well. I know a lot of you have told me not to give up. But it's really hard you know. This is like some fucked up addiction. You can't fully recover without therapy. I'm NOT doing that. If it comes to that though I probably will. I know I can probably beat this by myself but it's really hard. Sometimes I do it without knowing it. I'm just sitting there watching TV then I notice that I've been pulling after 5 minutes. Then even people don't understand you. they go "what the hell? you have no eyelashes!" "Mich has no eyelashes!" "I'm so angry I'm going to pull out all my eyelashes"(chick from math who sat behind mocking me she then began to giggle with her friend...same one who called me an anti social bitch). It's all causes sleepless nights. I've begun to care too much about my appearance. This is what people can do to you these days.

I'm sorry again for a whole week of depressing posts but I can't help it I need help... I really do...

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