Tuesday, February 5, 2008

   Past The Point of No Return
So, I had an interview with Citi Cards and I kicked ass! I have that job in the bag! I'm so happy! I'm very happy actually. Things are really working out. My older sis started her job about two weeks ago and she's helping with bills and if I get my job I'll be able to help. So combined with my mom, things will start to ease up. And I'll have money for AO!!!!!!!

AND COSPLAY! I'm so freakin excited! I'm going as Dark for AO and after that (or before) I'm going to work on a Haru (Furuba) cosplay. He's my favorite! And the most like me out of all the anime characters I know. And his girlfriend is REALLY hot! I want Rin so bad... she's gorgeous... *drool*

Speaking of anime characters, my sisters and I chose nicknames for eachother. I'm Haru-chan, Kimmy is Miaka-chan, and Jen is Kaname-sama or Oni-chan. It's awesome! But if I'm not being addressed as Haru-chan, it's Becca-KUN. It's just wierd to think of me as Becca-chan. I'll leave that to my girl, Ray-Chan. (can I call you that? I'm not really sure what to call you other than my girl. My best friend? Friend? something else?....ok, now I'm trying too hard.)

Anywhosits, life is good. I AM going to tell Caleb I don't want to be his friend. The only question is when. My influencial network was right. I have to stop torturing myself. And he really does scare me. I think that's all the updates and happenings.

This has been your devoted nonsence and pointless information tour guide, Haru-chan. Thank you for your patronage and have a nice day.
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Monday, February 4, 2008

   Invited to the night castle
Please, step this way my friend. Enter my world of black desire where the demons reign.

Ok, so that would be really cool. But unfortunately my life isn't that cool. There are a lot of things that would be cool but I don't think I have the finger stamina to type them all. So, I shall leave them up to your dirty little imagination and see what you can come up with. ^_^ Let me know how that goes.

Things are relatively good. I have no idea what i feel at the moment. Except lathargic and lazy. Of course that is aside from my overpowering excitement over AO.

I'm going to start memorizing all the lyrics of the D.N. Angel theme song for karaoke at AO. (No I don't already have them memorized. I know. You're thinking "geez, lightweight. You call yourself an anime fan?!") But off onto random topics!

Sometimes I wish I had gone to high school. For the social aspect mainly and so I would have an easier time getting my foot in the door for college. Which I'm torn over on my magor. I keep floundering between my dreams of musical theatre nad the financial stability of a market specialist. But I also sometimes want to know what it's like to face the prejudice agianst gays and lesbians. I know, tell me all you want about how I am lucky not to have gone through it but I'll still be curious. My curiosity is insaitable.

So I have to tell one of my friends that I don't want to be his friend anymore. He's a control freak. Suffocatingly so. He doesn't have a cell phone and his friends aren't allowed to call his parents phone. So every time he calls it's because HE wants to talk and rant. I know, seems rather pathetic right? I like my friendships to be two ways. I'll be there for them, and they can be there for me. I'm not here to be at anyone's beck and call and just be a shoulder to cry on. I'm worth way more than that. As well as all that, when we hang out is always on his terms. He specifies the date and time. He always has to call me first. It drives me crazy. To add to it, his emotions are so freakin intense they are scary. No, not all intense emotions are scary. But when he's mad it feels like he might hit me at any moment. He wouldn't but it still scares me. And it's always about him! It's like he's a self-degrading narcisist! DISCLAIMER: intense emotions do not bother me most of the time. There is something about his that rubs me the wrong way. I myself am a very intense and emotional person.

Ok, Becca's rant is done. And so is her post. Ciao!
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Friday, February 1, 2008

and so it begins
Can life deal me anymore random cards? I stay up until four in the morning writing depressed poetry and then the next day am bouncing off the walls and hitting on every girl that crosses my path. Do normal people have this many ups and downs? It's crazy...

Well today is one of those days where everything is going well and I feel good. It's almost like a twilight zone though... Is any thing that's happening really real? I suppose it is. But these things don't happen to people like me... and on top of that why me? What have a done that attracts these occurances? Again I ask more unanswerable questions. Some day I will ask something someone can answer. Someday.
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Tuesday, January 22, 2008

   "So many questions unanswered"
If there were words enough to equal all my emotions my list would reign over a kingdom. They exhaust me. One of these days I will wake up and feel nothing for having expired them all. All this is just one day. Isn't there a switch somewhere that will just shut off? Or a fuse that I can burn out? ANYTHING!?

I often wonder if I talk too much. When at work people always ask me what is going on in my life because I'm always listening. One friend told me that I just have a lot to say. This puts me at ease a bit. I'm just not sure why I have so much to share when really I have nothing at all. It's not like I don't talk... So amongst many words and feelings lie my troubles and pleasures. I'm not sure if the scales are tipped either way. There is definately both. I just wish there was more equivelent exchange between the two. Consistantly. Not in random unpredictable amounts. I think being bipolar has something to do with it.

So what makes the difference between an online journal and a private one? There seems to be something intriging about a virtual world that paper doesn't have. I haven't written in my journal recently at all for lack of interest. What is it I seek from something that seems so... well virtual for lack of a better word. While it was a dear friend who suggested I start this site, I didn't expect it to be so much fun. Having never had an online journal before. And I don't update my myspace blog much.

I feel like I'm swiming in a sea I don't belong in. Where things happen to me that before only happened to other people. I close parts of myself off but I keep finding new ones. My conflict of desires is constantly at work. So what is it that I truly want? or what I want at all for that matter. Perhaps I ought to spend some time trying to figure that out. Perhaps... again I don't know what I want. Freedom? A cage? Darkness or the light?

I love knowing what anyone has to say and I enjoy all the feedback I can get. I like to know others thoughts and feelings. If you think of anything please share it. I would like to hear from you who bothered to take the time to read what I have to say.
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Sunday, January 20, 2008

Such is the story of my life
"there was a time when men were kind. And their voices were soft and their words inviting. There was a time... then it all went wrong..."

For one a dreamer such as myself life holds many obstacles. Though none as dangerous or fatal as that of shattered confidence. Why is it that I seek approval from everyone but myself? Why do I feel I must prove that I'm good enough? The answers swim through my disjointed thoughts but I don't believe them. Whether I can't or won't is a matter of time.

I critisize and berate myself. Always asking and never believing. I don't trust what I know to be true. My value, my worth, my sexuality. My never ending spiral.

Life right now is a battle. Between living and surviving. I can survive on the basics but I'm used to a comforable life with treasures and presents. I have my family, I have my friends... What more should I need? I already know the answer but it seems so far away.

That is another part of my life. That which I want and need slips like a shadow between my fingers. Forever just beyond and eternally within my sight. A torture I crave...

On a less introspective note, I miss my friends. We always hang out at The Flying M (a coffee house that hosts gay nights on wednesdays) and the last three or four weeks I haven't been able to go because I've been working.

Speaking of work I'm trying to find a job that I can dye my hair purple so I can complete my cosplay of Dark for anime oasis without having to buy a really expensive wig. I'm currently conteplating balsa wood and feathers for wings... Ug. Now I just need balsa wood... oh, and feathers and about 48 hours and blue prints. All the things I don't have.

"I only want what I can't have. I only need what I don't want" another theme of my life...

So have i said to much? Or have I not said enough? I'll let you decide.
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