Thursday, November 26, 2009

This is going to be a long one
I think I need to pick up myotaku now, and I really do mean I need to. The last couple years after I neglected Myo I've depended on my friends and my own to let my emotions go out in a positive way. Not anymore though, lately I feel like I'm in this big bubble that doesn't let me connect with anyone. No friends, no family or anything. I don't want to sound like some super duper emotional person that is gonna commit suicide or anything, I just feel like everyone I ever knew is slowly growing away from me. Or maybe I'm growing away from them?

With friends I know for the most part it is me who is simply moving away from them. Most of my former friends don't try at school or do anything positive for their future [as in college and careers] so hanging around them is very difficult since they prefer to simply hang out after school and weekends doing no homework or even try at school. I can't hang out at school since I'm doing sports now [ it's so strange for me to say that though, mostly when two years ago I was so busy trying to avoid sports ] and other extra activities that keep me very occupied. Then there are other friends who started out just fine [having good grades, trying to get into sports] but just when we seem to connect and begin a really good friendship drama comes in. Drama for some reason never effects me directly, when people say things about me I was always able to shake it off ignore and go on with my life, but so many of my close friends end up being so attached to drama that I feel that I just have to dump them. I can't baby them to thinking that everything is gonna go well with that one boy when I know that she will simply go to the same problem again and again until she moves on, or try to get them away from that one friend that throws all the rumors out about them. Already I'm starting to be known to be a cockblocker since two of my very close friends are occupied with boyfriends or a boy. I do try to give my friend [who has a boyfriend] space, but five minutes a day to take to her about maybe planning to see a movie or something shouldn't be worth the treatment he gives me afterward [when she isn't around] And this one other friend, I mean this boy is nothing but drama to her yet she simply winds up with him all the time. She even tells me she doesn't want to be his friend, but she spends all her time with him. I know I will have to leave all these friends behind at one point, mostly since they are getting me stressed out way too much. But, I keep resisting. Like if I leave them then I'll wind up alone with no one to help me when I'm in trouble. : (
I do have a few friends who are positive in my future and able to relate to, but even with them I feel like there is something that keeps me away from them. Either it's a family issue or another boy thing, or in most cases I simply can't keep a conversation long enough anymore. It's annoying, but I think I just need to back down from friends for awhile until I figure out how to deal with it later.

Another issue with me is all the extra stuff I'm doing now. Sports and yearbook. It seems rather simple right? Wrong. Cross Country ended last year so I joined basketball [JV] I am terrible, I can't really shoot [getting better, but still bad] and I need to get faster much faster. If I plan to go after girls and block them before they shoot then I need to turn from a tortoise to a hair. All the different plays are getting me confused as well, like when do you know when to play a different one and which one is which. All the practices are from 4:30 to 7 at night, meaning that I only have two hours now to do all my homework [otherwise I will not be sleeping eight hours] Now school ends at 3, but since I am going to take pictures of girls soccer for yearbook that means on every game day I will have to go to their games. The timing does work out, after school I simply jump on the bus and I should get back in time for practice. Trouble is that then I need to make time on the weekends to practice for the half marathon, which will take place in three months from now. I can run up to four miles now, I just need to get up to 13. My family is starting to get worried about this now, thinking that I am getting far too busy with all these 'extras' then relaxing and living life.

A few days ago I had a huge metal breakdown after I fell asleep at home and missed basketball practice. I started to beat myself up. Hitting my head, slapping myself, punching my legs, slamming my head at walls, I even grabbed a fold up chair and slammed it on my legs. Even though I felt the pain and even started crying, I felt like I had to do it. Like if I didn't do it, someone else is going to do it to me. My mother got scared and unable to reach me [since I locked myself in the room] she threatened to call the police. Instead she called a help center which told her not to do anything, since they assume this was just a scene for attention. Trouble is that I didn't know this and I panicked when she said she called the police. I walked out the house [ my room has two doors in it, one door leading to the rest of the house, another leading to the backyard] where I started walking to one of my friend's house. I turned back after realizing that she was an actor in one of the school plays, so she wouldn't be at home. I made it to my highschool, where I went to my locker and changed clothes. [I didn't have shoes on since I just got out of the house without thinking, and I had my outfit for basket ball practice in my locker ]

Here is the thing I couldn't understand. My sister was also in the play, [though she left before I started beating myself up, so she didn't know what happened to me before] but I still waited outside of the play until intermission to get inside and watch the play WITH my friends. We laughed, and talk among ourself during the intermission and I made up some strange story to explain why I was waiting outside rather than paying up to watch the play. Then I left saying that I had to tell my mom where to pick up my sister, before my sister saw me in the play. Once reaching the parking lot just outside of the theater, I noticed my mother's car. I ran all the way home after seeing the car. My legs were black and blue [ the chair beating ] so even though each step was a horrible pain I simply kept telling myself that I wanted to run I wanted to reach my house first before my mother reached the house.

My bed is rather high off the floor, so once reaching my house I simply slipped under there and waited. Due to my bruises I had horrible pain if I tried to move under the bed, so I was sorta stuck there for awhile. Hours passed and I fell asleep until my step sister [who my step-dad picked up and left home with us] started looking around the house for me [after her friend asked her 'Hey, can't your sister simply hide somewhere in your house?'] She found me, and we talked. After that I really didn't get much in trouble since my mom was simply just happy to have me home. And anyway, my mother knew that I wouldn't jump into a stranger's car or did anything illegal, actually she knew that I really just wanted to walk somewhere. I have this thing, you see. Where to calm myself down I either sleep, eat, or walk. When I can't none of them I start to slash out, so I guess once knowing that I was safe my mom was just happy and went off to try to get some help for me.

She told me she was gonna get professional help for me, days passed and still nothing. :/

Anyways, today I did something really stupid. I don't know why but these little things just got me so fed up with my family that I had to calm myself down [sleeping] So I slept, but this is thanksgiving I was suppose to go with my father's family today. When my father came to pick me up, I was already asleep. My doors were locked [one of the little things that got me fed up is when people don't close doors. I hate open doors, so when people leave the door wide open I get seriously pissed, so I lock the door to prevent anyone opening the door] and my mother started telling me my father came. I ignored and ignored her, until she was telling me I had to go. I yelled saying I didn't want to go. More stuff were yelled where I kept saying that I didn't want to go, and you know regular stuff like that.

Then when she told me to talk to my father something I don't even know happened. I started yelling stuff like 'I don't want to talk to him, ever! He is the last person in the world I want to talk to' My father hasn't done anything wrong, but for some reason I kept feeling like if I talked to him or even see him something bad was going to happen. In the end, I didn't go. For thanksgiving I'm with my mother and my step dad. Of course they will go somewhere, they'll ask if I want to go somewhere with them. Probably I'll say no. Or maybe yes.

I want to do something to keep myself sane, and so far just typing all this up helps. If only I had more time in my schedule then I could type on very lengthly posts like Zaku. Haha, that would be fun. But far too little time.

I should start dropping stuff, since it seems I am getting far to stressed out. But, I love it all. Yearbook, basketball, running, and getting good grades, so how am I suppose to leave it all? I know friends is one thing I have, no will, dump until I only have a few very close positive friends. But I doubt that will be enough. If I keep running and typing on here then things will get better.

I can only hope. I mean everything was going so well until that one metal breakdown. [hitting myself, running away, ect] After that things just been so much harder.

I hope I didn't bore anyone to death with this. Sorry if I did. Then again, the only people I would expect to read this is Zaku and... ermm ^^;; Ha, I think it will be only Zaku. Everyone else left after Theo changed.

Hey Zaku is your reading this, don't worry too much. I'm figuring things out. I'll feel better : D

See ya and take care!
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