Monday, January 9, 2006

Alack!

Dorkiness/Idiocy/Nerdiness/General Lunacy of the day: 1. Screaming at a cheap laminator because it ruined a smexy picture of Jake Gyllenhaal and Anthony Swofford and a Prison Break ad with Wentworth Miller and Dominic Purcell. 2. Watching Supersize Me during Health and laughing when they mention that school lunches are the same served at prisons, because this is already a well-known fact to me, entailed by my stepdad. 3. Discussing whether or not someone who was split into two separate people while still a virgin, then put back into one person again after one of the former separate people loses their virginity is a virgin or not a virgin. 4. Knowing all of the answers during a review of the Vietnam War in Social Studies. 5. Considerably excited about receiving a cardboard box as a late Christmas gift. (1.) Entertainment Weekly and the TV Guide are delivered to my house. Ever since Prison Break began showing, all I do is scan the pages until I find an article or ad and then clip it out. I also haved two Jarhead articles(one's the cover of EW, actually). I thought it'd be a good idea to laminate the articles I liked the best, then take a couple to school and hang them in my locker. Too bad for me my laminator has suddenly decided to be a complete piece of shit and ruin two, perfectly good magazine clippings. I refuse to use my laminator ever again. (2.) We've been watching Supersize Me for the past few days in class and before now, I've only seen about half of it and the whole, "the same people who provide your kids lunches at school provide prisoners food as well" wasn't a part I remembered. Now that I've watched it all (and that part again), I can thoroughly giggle to myself in the back of the room because I already knew about that, while everyone else just kind of sits there...almost freaked out, but just not quite there. (3.) I deduced that since one half of the person from when they were separate people was a virgin, it would balance out with the non-virginal (in-theory), but hypothetically, the virginity would outweigh or overpower the non-virginity. For some strange reason. Keep in mind, we were discussing this for a short while during lunch. Among other subjects. (4.) Mmhm. Highlight: While everyone else was answering, "Vietcong," I correctly shouted out, "Vietminh." I also nabbed the fact that Saigon became "Ho Chi Minh City." Oh, if only it had been a game. I'm such a Social Studies nerd. (5.) Xio says she's giving me a sweet cardboard box as a late Christmas gift. I told her she has to write "To the Weapons Lab" on the side. She said she would x.x She also said she would cut a handle hole in the side so I can see out of it. It's apparently a spacious box, though not quite spacious enough, because she says she can run around under it okay. Guh. I'm overloaded in fanlisting stuff right now. I've resigned myself that I won't apply for anymore until I've finished with the one's I have upcoming right now. It's even worse that some of the subjects are so damn difficult to find pictures for. Alex Conklin from the Bourne series I can only seem to find pictures of dreadful quality. I can't take screenshots from the movie myself, or else I would have done so already. Wil Bechler from Hostage has just about nothing, except for a scant few pictures on a Bruce Willis fansite. I never realized how hard it was to find a screenshot of that picture of Volgin and Raikov. I found one, but it's small, like 300x100. Johnny Sasaki is impossible to find pictures of. Where's the Johnny love, people? Robert Knepper is actually pretty hard to find pictures of sometimes. Like, when he's not in-role. I have plenty of him as T-Bag and a bunch from a couple of other roles, but only six when he's not in-role(one of him smoking on the Prison Break set, one of him standing in the hole in the guard room on the Prison Break set, one of him from the Hostage premiere, one of him from when he was younger[and had more hair], and two from uh, some radio program). I needs my image editing program baaaaaaaaaaad. I'm going through image editing withfuckingdrawals. *dies* The weekend can't come fast enough. (And it's only Monday...let's hope for a snow day or an ice day or something. Please, make the week go by faster!) I think at last count I was up to 23 fanlistings, with one application pending (Characters: TV - John Abruzzi [Prison Break]), three finished applications sent (Characters: Anime/Manga - Doctor [Black Cat]; Characters: Anime/Manga - Jenos Hazard [Black Cat]; Characters: TV - Captain Brad Bellick [Prison Break]) and a bunch yet to be built. I can't apply for many more anyway; not until I work up the fucking nerve to ask my mom about purchasing a domain name and extra space. It'll only cost 'round $46.50 and I have the money to pay for twenty dollars of it. The biggest part is confronting, asking and praying to the God-I-don't-believe-in that my mother will provide the other twenty-six dollars, with me providing twenty dollars fifty cents. I'm such a stickler for avoiding confrontation and flat-out asking for things. I can't do it; it's so horrible. I have such a huge fear of being judged, or being wrong, or being yelled at. It's such an incessant fear I usually refrain from speaking at all costs and if I do want to say something I have to force it out, coaxing myself along the entire time because I'm so afraid of what people think of me and what they'll say. I suffer from severe self-consciousness. It's only recently that I've gotten over being self-conscious about my writing, but I'm still too self-conscious about bringing up topics with my mom or anybody. I'm afraid of criticism, too. I know it's good sometimes but it plays into the whole self-conscious thing. I'm always fearful of how people perceive and judge me because I don't want them to get the wrong impression and I don't want to give off the wrong impression. The worst part is I feel like an idiot sometimes, after someone criticizes me, but it usually depends on what the criticism was. My classmates don't help matters by making me even more prone to not saying anything in class, because they all regard me as this ultimate genius who they all need to outdo. Every time someone gets a better score on something, they're always gloating about it. "Oh, look! Heehee! I did better than Kayla did! I'm smarter than the Smart Girl!" Yes. They call me "Smart Girl". It's bothersome considering there are so many more intelligent people at school than me, yet they all regard me as if I'm the smartest one there and everyone else is just some below-average twit. And I hate it when they gloat, because it's not something I ever do, except when I'm feeling spiteful and even then, it's almost always between myself and my best friends, because they don't give a fucking shit, because they know that's how I am sometimes. I'm so sick of school that I almost miss the days over the summer when my mom and I moved out for a week or two and there was the chance I was going to be homeschooled. I just need a little time away from it all. Everything's just grating on my every nerve and I'm not sure how much more I can take before I just fucking snap. Heh. And I'm crying right now because I'm so sick of it all and I just wish everything wasn't so fucked up that I have to hide even farther under my usual facade of "Everything's fine. I'm fine. Nothing's wrong. Never had a better day in my life." 2005 was the worst year of my life and 2006 isn't looking any better. Between stresses in my own life, other people's lives being sort-of-impressed-upon-me, and life in general, I think there's a reason that I can't shake the horrible feeling I always have in the morning and my constant sickness. I'm so upset right now and it's currently sort-of focused on one central thing and that's my mom. She's pregnant and all, seven months or so and sometimes I wonder if she realizes how many stupid fucking things she's doing that are totally fucking up the baby. The thing is that I do think she's knows, but I wonder if she realizes she shouldn't be doing the kinds of things she is because she's stressed out and needs to get away, she should be thinking about the baby and what she's doing is doing to it. Now, honestly, I hate children, and honestly, I could care less about the baby but, honestly, the kid was starting off bad in the first place(my stepdad isn't exactly a "winner" sometimes and neither is my mom. I count myself lucky that I inherited more desirable traits from my father, rather than one's I'm rather glad I don't have fro my mother) but she's just making it worse. She's smoking for one thing because she wouldn't drop it, so the kid's gonna be fucking addicted to nicotine before even being exposed to cigarettes outside the fucking womb(fact: my grandma smoked while she was pregnant with my mom and when my mom was growing up she said she used to eat cigarette butts because she liked the fucking nicotine). She drank on Christmas Eve and she just "went to the store" and "will be back soon" about a half hour ago. (The nearest store is five minutes away. She needs to stop feeding me bullshit because I know what she's going to fucking do, because I'm the best God damn eavesdropper without even meaning to be eavesdropping ever and it's not exactly subtle to be talking about a fucking drug over the God damn telephone, in the dining room, which is three feet from your daughter's room. She might as well just leave without saying anything, because I honestly don't need to know, because half the time it's a load of bull anyway.) One reason I'm concerned is because I don't want a fucking mental case for a half-sister. One, we can barely afford to pay the bills now, there's no fucking way we could pay for any special medical treatment or any shit like that. Two, I don't know if there's a specific name for it, but I'm a God damn (and this may be offensive, depending, but it's the only...non-idiotic sounding way to put it) retardophobe. I don't like being around them, don't like them touching me, don't like touching them, and am plain afraid of them. And this may or may not be because my mother worked in an Adult Foster Care home throughout most of my childhood, and I spent most of my days there, and am probably suffering deep emotional and mental damage because of it. Now, I suppose I can stand some...mentally challenged people. Like, people with Down's syndrome, I'm okay with them(my uncle Gary has it and he's a really cool guy :) I was scared of him when I was younger, but I'm okay now.), but I can't stand others with more debilitating problems. I have so many problems that nobody realizes I have because I don't say anything about them and I'm so good at hiding everything that nobody even realizes there's anything wrong. I'm too afraid to ask for any help because I'm so introverted. You know how people who've gone through bad things in their life can lock away the trauma? I can't do that. I remember everything. I wish I could just repress, repress, repress sometimes, even though I know it's bad for you, but it'd make things a whole lot easier. Wow. I really needed to get a lot of my chest today ^_^; And that's not even the half of it, you know? But I'm done for now. Really. I just need to take a few deep breaths and find something to lift my spirits. :)

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