Thursday, June 10, 2004

For a few seconds, this place was armageddon.
It bugs the shit out of me. I want to download [um, legally.. of course] one song. And it takes nearly an hour to download from the person and they go offline, so I'm left with 70 percent of the song I want. -.-;

Yeah, let's say you care about getting metal mp3's or have nothing better to do or are humoring me for my misguided tastes in music.

Go on over to here and humor yourself with semi-fast downloads of a some good bands, might find something you like or a ton of shit you hate. Either way.. yeah.

Recommendations? Antihero by Godforbid. *snorts* No Onw Wins by The Berzerker. Like Light to the Flies by Trivium. As Above, So Below by Behemoth. Not much else caught my interest, but that's me.

So uh. Carry on.

PS. *

*Listen or I consume your children!
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Thursday, June 3, 2004

A Hymn for the Rived.
It's tiring, really.

Funeral after funeral.

Since I'm adopted by grandparents, alot of their older relatives die.

And, as their 'son', I'm required to go.

You walk up to the casket, and like everyone else, you just stare. It's a different person, a different life, a different personality.

What's the point? I don't want to go anymore. I don't want to show respect to anyone anymore. You just go and hear what they did, how much people enjoyed being around them as they did it and how much they are going to miss them doing things.

Of course, you know, they are in heaven now or going to be resurrected someday or something else like that.

Well, if that's the case, just toss them in the ground. They have moved on faster than you have. Get a move on, let's go.

I dunno. Alone, in a church, when everyone has already left. Your parents talking to some last people nearby, it's depressing. The light from outside always is filtered or curtailed by something, making it dreary.

They are alot heavier than you think, you know? Caskets. Being a pallbearer those couple of times was tough, specially since I was a kid. I barely made it to the hearse/burial site.

You wander away from the burial site and it is dead quiet. Amongst the graves, in your Sunday best. Just still. Dead. Muted.

Then you always go and.. celebrate or something. You go have some food at someone's house. Yay, someone died, let's eat. It feels fake.

My great-grandma is senile in a nursing home. I know she's dying, everyone does. That's going to be like the tenth funeral in 15 years, literally.

Man, it was harsh, I'll tell you. Seeing people your age in a casket because of their own depression.

She looked beautiful, even then, I'll tell you. I know I was taken at the time, but I couldn't help but be smitten with her up until that time.

That was the last time I felt any need to pay respect to anyone who died. Since then, I'm apathetic about it. They died. The people attending will die. It's a waste of my time, most of those relatives don't even care about me. I'm just some adopted kid from a fuckup my parents adopted.

Why do I have to bleed for their wasted souls? Let their loved ones drown themselves in sorrow when they do what every other human being eventually does.

It was beautiful. At my other Grandma's funeral there was a massive thunderstorm that arrived in the middle of the burial site service. The sky was black and there was rotation in the clouds. Tornadic, yes? I'll never forget the poetic way they were moving, as it began to pour down rain at the cemetery.

I do not want to participate in them anymore. It's grown tiresome, left a bad taste in my mouth. This is all just so cumbersome, life. Tiring. Sometimes you just do not want to go on.

Not out of depression or angst or rage. Just because you are tired. So very tired of carrying on. You sleep, not wanting to awake the next morning.. and yet, you always do. It's always bright, sunny and you get up and go out to another day of trudging through the repeating stories, the looping news, the same old friends, the mundane problems. Same dialogue as yesterday.. same expectations of you. Same disappointments.

What's the point? It's your choice to be living in that, so why can't you choose not to? People expect you to be so strong and then ask you to be strong for them. Advice, always. They need advice. For themselves, their loves, their love life, what they should do/did do/have had done to them.

Maybe I've given up hope. I'll read this later and be disgusted at my weaknesses, but for now, I am back to feeling tired in my soul.

Ah, to be as free as they were in their choices. Easily dead, but not easily forgotten, leaving me here. They had no right to, no. But still, it's just one more weight.

There will come a time when I know that death is near. Happiness lays in that, the fact that no more will I war with men, with problems, with life. My fight will be over. Ah, to know that peace..

The people I meet, the people I help, it all keeps me going. If only you never had to leave anyone behind, never had to regret things. Then you could always be as peaceful and carefree as you were as a child.

The point of this post is mundane, really. Just one more person in a myriad of people who wants to slip into death before their time.

Ah, but I can't. Promises, people, broken hearts.

This is such a pain to write. Knives in the kitchen.. pills everywhere.. tempting me, taunting me.

But no, I must remain steadfast. Things to do, projects to complete, people to help. Ah, many years yet to pass..

But, I do wish for those that have passed on, the billions of them, to rest in peace. Ah.. resting in peace.

Someday! Someday I will know happiness. A daughter, a wife, an adventure..

You too! Yes, you will know happiness.. more than you have now!

But, it always seem to take too long for the someday to come. With such dreary thoughts and tempting devices to kill myself with, can I make it?

Maybe, maybe. Surely no greater accomplishment can I achieve, for now, than to push myself to remain alive. Not for myself, but for others. Never can I live for myself, for some reason.

So tired..

Ah, well. I will demonstrate my superior strength ever-more. There will be no death that befalls me from any other man, or myself. Only nature can claim my soul.

Thusly, I condemn myself to further wear, further tear, further breaking in. Indeed, many more tribulations will befall me.

Warrior spirit, yeah. Gotta keep pushing forward. Fight the fine fight. I will never fall to my own emotions. There is nothing that I cannot get through.

Yes, always remember that. I am human, I adapt. Ahh, invigorating. I will take it head on, yes.

But still, in due time, I will have to catch my breathe and lament as I feel the true weight of what I carry once more.. over and over.

Marching forth, until which time I fall. It's a sad, really. Oh well. What can you do?

I must last longer than this. There is too much that depends on me to fall so easily.

Ah, but that much more to weigh me down.

Better people than I are going through worse things though, so, I guess it is alright to just brood, take it, and keep moving on.

Yeah. Brood, take it, and keep charging.

Something will take me down.
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Tuesday, June 1, 2004

Cosmopolitan Blood Loss.
What an oddity that would be.

I live in a forest, a forest fast being destroyed by men. Houses are popping up everywhere and we know that it will cause more problems that it seems. [We live next to a large dry creek that fills up considerablely when it rains. With the loss of the trees, there is alot less between the runoff and us.]

But, there is one lot that has remained empty on our street- the lot right across the street from our house.

There is a chance that an old bro of mine from church might end up living there with his mom. That would be great, especially with the great timing of summer just starting.

Oh well. Not getting my hopes up, of course.

Aside from that, I uh.

Have nothing else to say.

Thusly, I uh. Bid you adieu.
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Monday, May 31, 2004

Final Boss.
Wahoo. Someone liked my form joke. *cheers for Tori*

Well, happy summer. Thusfar my plans are revolving around the driving thing, but even that has faded into obscurity intill the time for the classes come. Horrendous sprees of boredom.

But, in my free time, I was able to locate a new article that further spurs my hatred of Square Enix.

Final Fantasy VII mobile update

NTT DoCoMo handsets to support upcoming prequel first announced at E3.
Earlier this month at E3, Square Enix announced that a mobile prequel to its RPG blockbuster Final Fantasy VII was in the works. Some additional factoids about the product, titled Before Crisis - Final Fantasy VII, were recently revealed, specifically that the game is slated for a September 2004 release, and it will be available (in Japan) on NTT DoCoMo 900i-series or higher phones.

Square Enix has not yet announced a North American release date for Before Crisis. However, given the disparity between Japanese and North American handset technology, it's likely that Before Crisis will not be a downloadable option for US gamers for the foreseeable future.

As previously reported, Before Crisis will be set in the environs of Midgar, the dystopian metropolis that had fallen under the sway of the evil Shinra Corporation in the first Final Fantasy VII. This time around, players will control a member of the Turks--the elite band of Shinra operatives that worked at cross-purposes to Cloud Strife and his friends in the 1997 PlayStation original. And in lieu of the original title's nonlinear, exploratory, turn-based gameplay, Before Crisis will feature mission-based objectives and real-time combat.

Square Enix has also revealed that this action role-playing game will support real-time multiplayer--for up to three players--over a cellular network.

By Steve Palley -- GameSpot
POSTED: 05/26/04 10:49AM PST

Thusly, for the second time, FF7 is given anything BUT a sequel on a next generation console.

Pardon me whilst I stab this large, iron ruler into my eyesocket.

PS. Don't even mention the fact X got a sequel. *eyes second ruler*

PPS. I love B movies. *huggles Rodan*
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Sunday, May 30, 2004

Blood Rodan.
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Saturday, May 29, 2004

Giver of Life [OR Mundane Posts are fun.]
I persuaded my mom that since, like a normal responsible young man, I had finished school on time that I deserved 50 dollars.

Yes, I got it.

Yes, it was easy. Try it sometime. It helps to be homeschooled, but the concept is still the same. "I faced temptations to ignore my work, but I stayed true- don't you think I deserve some sort of reward for that?"

With my fifty dollars+my allowance+unmentionable funds from varying places=a trip to the mall.

So I arrived at the Dillard's Home Store- the place my mom always parks infront of, thusly forcing me to enter through it.

In this very Dillard's Home Store there is one of those electronic wedding registries- and, in this very Dillard's Home Store it happens to rest right in the middle pathway, twards the exit of the store.

And at this very Dillard's Home Store I have had the pleasure of partaking in a ritual- everytime I pass the wedding registry, I have to touch the touchscreen once. If I miss a time, I have to do it twice next time.

Why? There's no point. It's just amusing to do.

After doing said-ritual, I parted pathways with my mother and headed to EB where I purchased Hearts of Iron along with FF7- 15 and 12 dollars respectively.

But Ken, you must have had FF7!

Keyword=had. I sorta gave it to a friend of mine. Well, I originally let him borrow it but it's kinda become a permanent thing.

Grrrreat fun, that. Oh well.

After said-purchases, I took a trip to FYE who, if you don't know, blare the loudest music they possibly can in their store as much as they can. Today? It was Dance music.

Hoo hoo, I can hardly contain myself.

Nah, the tunes were alright. But the problem comes in later.

I surfed the metal section, which, of course, is located in the far-far back- near the "you're a loser if you're in this section" Country and Gospel sections. In the great company of God's holy rock music and the great American tunes from the West, I felt oddly discontent and depressed- why? Who knows. [There was actually a skinhead surfing the metal area- as if that lessened the aleination of being sent to the back]

With this feeling, I traveled to the close-to-the-front-door rock section- where all the "cool" people hang out, and picked up Joe Satriani's CD, 'Is There Love In Space?'

Suddenly, amongst the jarring dance music, I hear a lovely young lasses voice. I turn, and she says "Could I have your collar?"

I was befuddled and somewhat amused by this- "Beg your pardon?" I replyed.

Of course, that was not what the beautiful young woman had said- she had asked me for a dollar. Why? Who knows. Generosity needs no why, so I provided her with a dollar. She hopped in the air, literally, as she took it, thanking me profusely and telling me she liked me- at least, I think so. In the glorious Chapel of Dance it was hard to tell, but I assume that is what I heard. Maybe I'm just schizophrenic/[wishing that is what she said...]

She went off with her friend, saying how "that guy gave me a dollar". Wow, yeah- I did. Not that big of a deal, but thanks for lifting my previously-mentioned sour spirits. [Someone told me that it was the universe seeking to tell me that I was the one alienating myself- who knows.]

She purchased something [I assume] and left the store.

It was an amusing thing. I haven't the faintest what drove her to ask me. A large, white, scruffy teenage guy- yeah, he'll give you a dollar. Aww, but overweight people are so huggable and humorous- they must be generous too!

I'm not doing to well to disprove what I just said, I guess.

After this episode, I was kinda hoping I would see here again- I dunno, just to talk or something [I must be desperate as hell, LOL.] But, I didn't, and it was soon time to depart. [I didn't get to do my ritual on the way back- some people were using the wedding registry, so. Next time I gotta do two.]

I kinda like the idea of being the random good Samaritan. I don't need people to know my name or anything. Just be generous.

My mom said that it wasn't good to be too generous- that there are panhandlers and such who live off getting people to give them money. Honestly, I wouldn't mind. It's your actions verses theres, yours outweigh [in whatever sense of morality you have] theirs, and that is all that matters- what you did. That's it, after that it is in their hands/on their heads.

Young madam, I hope that extra dollar was well spent. lol.

Destroyer of Senses [OR Dangers to society like Diet Pepsi.]

I'm going to learn to drive, woopee. My mom expects me to be ectatic.

Yes, right. I'm learning something I'll have to do from now intill the day I die, daily.

Yippee.

Oh well. I guess this would be a bad time to mention my high score on Carmageddon at Tony's Group Sound Arcade, lol. [Mom: The pamphlet says if you are found to be a danger to society, you will have to take the course over.

K: I'll keep that in mind?]

I don't really see what the big deal is. It's just driving. I'll prolly end up in an accident within the first couple of years, too. lol.

Oh well. Here's to driving. *sips Diet Pepsi*

I consume your children [OR Good thing they don't cost a quarter.]

Shock and awe, Tony has a message board [http://wip.slownerveaction.org/groupsounds/index.php?]. Even better, it has an arcade.

Even better[er], somehow, I'm doing pretty well on games I swore not two years ago I sucked at. Of course, there are still a few I can't really get down that well. Fun games, though.Occupational benefits help the games go faster.
So, go check it out if you haven't. See what games you're good at.

Well. That's about it.

Adios.
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