Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Define 'Hermit'.
Sometimes, when you are trying to help people, you come to a loss of words- generally it is actually not because you have run out of wisdom to give.

It is because the only wisdom you can give you feel is not appropriate to the receiver- it might hurt their feelings in a way, or at least you think it will.

I don't know if I should blame people or not for it- it is sometimes not entirely their fault as to how sensitive they are.

I guess it boils down to how willing you are to sidestep general codes of tact in the name of wisdom. I don't know if that is a measure of how 'bold' you are or if it is about how much of an ass you are.

I don't always cross that line, but I do when I feel it to be quite prudent- that doesn't make me a worser person in my eyes.

Just, when you are as long winded as I, the initial sentences in such an endeavor can appear to be wholly unhelpful and mainly arrogant rambling.

Frequently people interrupt me to try to stop me, because they are defending their friends sensitivity- IE, they don't let me do my work. They don't know more than me- they just missed the point that even if I know they might be hurt by this, they might end up ultimately happier/better off/etc.

When that happens, usually, you don't have time to finish- so you get pictured as this dark, demonic, arrogant person who only wishes to do hurt to others.

That is irritating.

Whenever you are receiving or giving advice, do it one-on-one - don't let their little idiotic friends get involved in matters that DON'T concern them. The next time I see knights-in-shining armor riding up I am going to rip my fucking hair out.

Remember- being a good friend means having forethought. Sometimes it's better to see what would be after the potential pain. Foresight makes you a better friend.

Fin.

[Last night, I found the paternity test that my dad took in 1989. Sometimes, I was hoping that was a bad dream. But he did reject me to the point it had to come to that.

Eh.]
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Monday, April 12, 2004

The Classic Sound Of Hitting The Bottom.
I see you indoctrinated in things you cannot know.

I wish to free you, but you doggedly decline my generosity.

You will die. There is no Heaven laying at the end of this path.

Wasting time on things that cannot be, a dream that you wish was real.

I'm sorry I couldn't save you from the same fate. Now I can only watch you, as you fade away into the crowds, all of the same people.

I remain alienated.

There is no real reason to continue this disastrous path, really. I cannot think of any reasons as to why, or when, I grew tired of you- and your religion, and your way of not tolerating what I think.

I don't want to hear about your executed savior, fanatically proclaiming he died for someone on a piece of wood- he died, he is dead, he remains dead.

Please, depart from my eyesight- I avoid people like you specifically because you annoy me. Something under my skin, an itch. You *are* under me, you have not seen the true light. I don't care how holier-than-thou I seem, you would be a hypocrite to even use that plane of logic.

Your patronizing attitude in regards to my attempts at enlightening you furthers my wishes to curtail you from my life completely and entirely- it was a mistake, we don't think alike. We never will. You have conformed.

Outsider my ass.

You made me happy for so long, and I don't really understand why you would return to your slaving ways.

There is no salvation in any religion, and I don't care what you think, reader. I'm beyond you, you've forgotten me. I wish I could forget you, friend- but I can't as easily as everyone has me.

It sickens me, really. I say I tolerate your religion, you sell it to me- speak of it consistently. I tell you what I feel and I can tell in your sentences that you pity me- you think I'm under you, you think I'm just a mongrel who needs to be shown the path to your great, true religion.

Your religion is shit. It always has been, it always will be. To think I even held my temper back for all of you people, I don't know why I did. Your religions will fade like all religions do, like the Greeks and Roman religion did- like the Norse religion did.

Your wasted time means nothing to a God or to me. I don't want to be apart of any community or clique you are in, I don't have to and I won't deal with it anymore.

We pretend that we are all open minded, even I do. But we always close ourselves off to things- it's almost laughable. No one is truly open minded. You can't be, don't say otherwise- wait, you can't. I turned off comments for a reason.

I had forgotten the true purpose of my diaries, and that is to let off steam- no matter what people think. I don't want to hear your reactions because I doubt you have anything near intelligent to say about anything.

Things so small always creep up in what you write, what you think- things that won't matter in a week, maybe. Stuff that shouldn't concern you to the degree it does- do you even stop to look around? You're a speck on a globe that is a speck in the universe.

There is so much you could do.. so much you could explore! You could wander the Earth for ages seeing new things every day, if you truly wanted. You could find a way.

But you won't.. the only goals you have are for professions or for marriage. There is no adventure in your heart. You've lost that sparkle in your eyes.

I'm only beyond you in religion. I will probably die a lonely man because I cannot accept so many things that are apart of society- that is laughable, laughable as to a child trying desperately to walk. Stumbling consistently.

There is no success in my world, only minor failures. I cannot get over that, there is no final success- you could always have done better. My father beat that into me so much that I never know success, I don't know if I will- I will try to forget but it is painful. In my world all you did was fail and fail and fail.

It made me irritable. I don't like people being happy over all the small accomplishments they make because I was never allowed to feel that way.

I keep dreaming about my lost love, it is consistent.. I don't understand why, I think I've forgotten about her but then in a dream we are together, we are happy, we aren't alone.

That shouldn't happen. It shouldn't happen to people who don't need anymore burdens on their shoulders.

She is gone, I know. She is rumored to be someone completely different that who she was when I loved her, I know. But she was the only person I can remember looking at me like I was equal. Everyone up to that point had looked at me in negative ways.. looked at me like only a son. Or looked at me like an overweight, ugly unpopular person. Or looked at me like a bookish nerd. No one had that ever had that look in their eyes when they saw me. It was refreshing to finally feel like a human being to someone.

It wasn't meant to be, apparently. Some sort of negative fate awaits me, it cannot cease. Always eternally things I love are ripped from me, and I cannot stop them from being so.

And I never was taught of a heaven, or a hell. I was only taught of a death. You die, you are dead, you cease to exist- in soul and in body. Then I found that religion to be as corrupt as the others.. and I had to dismiss the resurrection part of that doctrine. So now I am left with a world where no one comes back when they leave.

It's tiresome.. really, it is.

So varied my troubles are.

I just want people to go away so much, and yet I need just one person to make me happy- and in all the crowds of people I meet, she isn't there.

And to think, my parents didn't want me at all. Not even they saw any value in me. Not even my biological parents.. I was a burden to them.

But no, back to the subject at hand..

I might never see the day when children aren't raised and religiously indoctrinated by their parents into conformed slaves, but I can be happy in knowing that their is no heaven for anyone.

There is no reward for your ill-doing. You will die like the rest of us, you are no better. Your death is coming, always. And when it passes, you will no longer have any means of propaganda for your faith.

You will die. I will die. When that day comes, I will be very glad. I will be able to rest, finally. I will not have to live for anyone anymore. Ahh, peaceful sleep do come soon. Away from this world, away.

Forever.

Take this how you want. You are as sensitive as you wish to be.

Amusing.
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Saturday, April 3, 2004

The Troubled General OR I Detest Your Ways, Invisible One.
SAO PAULO, Brazil - Newly declassified U.S. documents show the extent of American willingness to provide aid to Brazil's generals during the 1964 coup that ushered in 21 years of often bloody military rule.

Quiz Day

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:	Courage
In a survival situation, you:	Cleverly trick your attacker
Your hidden talent is:	Pragmatism
Your gift is:	Cunning
In groups, you:	Perfer to act as security
Your best quality is:	Your indomitable will
Your weakness is:	Your furious temper
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

Your Life: The Presidential Campaign by mintyduck
Your slogan:	"Same as it ever was."
Your first lady/dude:	Rose McGowan
Band that will play during your inauguration:	Vanilla Ice
Who will run against you in 2008:	Nicole Kidman
Your name:
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

How creative are you?

Your Chinese zodiac sign is: The Rabbit People born in the Year of the Rabbit are articulate, talented, and ambitious. They are virtuous, reserved, and have excellent taste. Rabbit people are admired, trusted, and are often financially lucky. They are fond of gossip but are tactful and generally kind. Rabbit people also seldom lose their temper. They are clever at business and being conscientious, and never back out of a contract. They would make good gamblers for they have the uncanny gift of choosing the right thing. However, they seldom gamble, as they are conservative and wise. They are most compatible with people born in the years of the Sheep, Pig, and Dog.

the internet junk 'how eccentric are you test' deems me: 63% eccentric!

You are probably branded as the 'Oddball' among your group of friends. You are obsessed with the paranormal and anything that's weird and stands out, even if it's completely useless. You often get strange looks thrown your way (like the time you dressed up as a chicken just for the hell of it). You don't try to be eccentric, but somehow you just end up being that way. However, you don't mind because you're just being yourself and having fun doing that.

in my eyes..you are kind and outgoing its never to
easy to find a person like you in life
you probably have alot of freinds and like camping?
(rate?)


in my eyes you are...(pics and different outcomes)
brought to you by Quizilla


You are a bit cold and your answers are fast. You
probably do have troubles but you try not to
show them by being serious and a bit mean.


How miserable are you?
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your the smart type, people like the fact that you
always have an answer. at first the opposite
sex is hesitant to like you, but soon enough
they will know what they are missing in you.


What is your best quality?
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Your karmic zodiac is ARIES.
Good Qualities: You are strongwilled, a natural
born leader, and assertive. You know what you
want, and you know how to get it. You don't
mind getting your hands dirty with an honest
days work, but would be better off in a
leadership position. You are an excellent
speaker, and with Mars on your side, you
usually win your battles.
Bad Qualities: You are stubourn, and need to learn
to meet others in the middle occasionally. You
have aggresive tendencies, which in some
situations are a very bad thing. You are also
very temermental, and can be set off by
slightest thing.
Best Match: Sagittarius
Best to Avoid: Libra, Aries.


What's your Karmic Zodiac Sign?
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Ambrose Bierce and Dorothy Parker would probably
really appreciate your sour wit. Bierce wrote
the 'Devil's Dictionary', an immensely quotable
guide for scoundrels and cynics.Dorothy Parker
was a famous critic and poet who cut other
writers to bits with her razor-sharp pen.


Who is your Literary Soulmate?
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You have a fiery soul. You aren't the quickest to
get angered, but when you do get angry things
can go really wrong really fast. You are
generally very passionate in the things you do.
(Rate my test)


What force is your soul?
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Darkness. You Truly Desire Darkness. You wish
everyone around you was either dead, or
worshipping you. To you, life is not a gift,
but a punishment. You have no consideration for
others and do as you please.

PLEASE RATE


What Do You Truly Desire? *PICS*
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You are a white dragon, pure and noble, you would
help humans if they desprately need you. YOu
are kind and wise with a heart of gold.


Which Dragon resides in your soul? (cool pictures!)
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Light Purple- Get your head out of the clouds! You
can sit there all day long and think about your
true love. Your mind is filled with unicorns
and princesses and other crazy stuff like that.
You truly have a romantic mind. You cant stop
thinking about your latest love or the
mysterious guy that sits in front of you in
English. You love mystery. Go with it. (rate
me)


What color is your mind? (Anime Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

[What?]


You're Choleric! You are ruled by the Yellow Bile.
As a Choleric, you are strong-willed,
independent, visionary, practical, productive,
decisive, and a good leader. Unfortunately, you
can also be cold and unemotional, too
self-sufficient, impetuous, domineering,
unforgiving, sarcastic, angry, or cruel at
times.


Which of the four Humours are you?
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A powerful duke of hell who commands 26 legions,
Gomory appears as a woman with a ducal crown on
his head and riding a camel. He knows of the
past/present/future and can discover hidden
treasures


Which Goetic Demon are you most like?
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You are Artistic, Carefree, and sad. On the
outside, you are funny and sweet, caring and
loving. You are flexible and get along with
everyone most the time. You pretend to be
stupid sometimes just to have a laugh. However,
deeper inside you, you are very artistic. Music
is your passion, your life. You have opinions
on lots of things, and wonder 'Why?' and 'What
If?'. You have a passion and talent for the
arts. Most people dont get this side of you.You
arent depressed, just sad and disapointed with
the world. You're incredibly open minded, as
well. But none of you is fake, you are just
very well rounded. You aren't oblivious to the
pains in this world like most people are, but
still at the same time dont spend all your life
with a frown on your face.


What's Your Personality?? (YOU CAN GET MIXED!) very detailed...(now with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla


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Friday, April 2, 2004

Falling, watching ships go down.
I detest people who over dramatize situations I deem to be something that could be taken quietly and normally.

My mother is horrid at this- I mean, seriously. She loves drama, to create it, to make something evolve into it, to bask in it. It is annoying to me, really.

Like a little child who's eyes light up at the slightest motion, over and over when the experience isn't fresh anymore. Maybe that is a good thing, I don't know- I just know it feels annoying to me and I dislike that, obviously.

That doesn't make me a better person than her, it just differentiates me- don't take it like I am raising myself above her for the way she handles situations. That's her choice.

But I just don't like the way that feels. It feels foreign or unnecessary- a waste of energy that could be spent on things that are actually dramatic.

Who am I to say what is dramatic and not, I suppose. Just.. not every little thing. You could say it's paranoia or pessimism that things will come that will warrant the need of alot of energy- a preparedness for negative or overwhelmingly dramatic situations that I think will and do come in frequent bouts.

I don't know. I think I examine the way I handle things too much, it makes me come off as a third person almost. Maybe that is a good thing.

Ehh. Still, drama is irritating.. I like my days to have as little irritating situations as possible and with someone who dramatizes things like thunderstorms into great, big events it is hard to not get a holier-than-thou attitude with how immature doing that seems to me.

Should they be children for their ways or equals on a different path. How right am I? I am only right for myself, but that is enough that I think I can judge people who haven't found a complete path for their lives.

No, not ultimately. But I don't need to judge them ultimately, do I?

PS. I don't know how she did it, but Tori managed to make her site brighter and lighter.

That is amazing.
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Friday, March 19, 2004

God Save The Queen.
There is a black character in Suikoden named "Blackman". To recruit him, you have to go to this destroyed town called Kalekka and.. he is standing in front of some crops.

... >_>...

So if you don't step on his crops as you approach and talk to him, he'll join up.

Heh.

Today I shoveled dirt for over an hour. Exciting, isn't it? My mom bought a ton of dirt, some grass and a new wheelbarrow. I was conscripted for wheelbarrow filling duties, amongst other things.

Now my hands are really bitching at me. A bit tired, too. I got a small amount of money out of it though..

And then I remembered I was in debt.. so.

Umm. It was pretty shitty in the end, lol. Still have energy to do something but there is nada to do.

In other news, once again my strange way of speaking has produced an error in pronunciation that was funny.

To make a long story short, I have now deemed EU to actually be "European Urine".

;D

More random posts as news comes in.
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Alarming.
FCC Cites Stern, Bono for Indecency
(AP) - Federal regulators opened a new front in their crackdown on offensive broadcasts Thursday, saying that almost any use of the F-word on over-the-air radio and television would be considered indecent. The Federal Communications Commission overruled its staff and said an expletive uttered by rock singer Bono on NBC was both indecent and profane. It marked the first time that the FCC cited a four-letter word as profane; the commission previously equated profanity with language challenging God's divinity.
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Thursday, March 18, 2004

A Sight For Sore Eyes.
You know. I think I can get over my friends deaths. Or at least I've been trying to.

But I have been more quiet IRL lately. Maybe losing a part of my extroversion is included in closure.

Friends killing themselves is a very confusing ordeal. On one hand you are enraged that they would have the gall to do that to you- self defensive. The other hand you are pitying yourself, you fell into this situation from trusting someone- but that is all you could do, the other choice was to be hermit-like in your dealings. On another hand you are, of course, depressed- it's death, death is sad. On the final hand you are sort of morose- brooding, thinking things over. Retracing and retracing your steps to see if there were signs you missed, seeing if there was something you could have done.

But really, the final conclusion is that they do what they do and you do what you do- people often don't like what you do, but that is what makes you, you- your personality, your structure, how you carry yourself.

If that is their choice, I guess, in a way, you should respect that. Because they respected all the choices that were detrimental to them that you made. It might be trying to compare a creek to an ocean, but it is sort of sane to a point.

Their life is in their hands. I respect them for that. I still refuse to believe that people who commit or attempt suicide are selfish individuals, maybe just for my own defense.

Maybe in a way, they keep you truckin' along. Maybe we should thank them for that, as a final thanks.

Kinda like a hard-found epiphany.

Probably not.

Oh well.

Let justice be done, though the heavens fall.

It actually is a matter of opinon. This post is not really anything more than hot air from how I see it.

Too late, I guess. I should delete this, but hmm.
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Quod scripsi, scripsi.
Do you know what is truly annoying?

When people run out of excuses, reasons and opinions on something you are arguing about and say something either off-topic, nonsensical or slanderous just to try to keep it going.

Like my Mom. I work out at a local gym- by work out, I mean cardiovascular activities. Treadmill, bike. Stuff like that.

She has some sort of obsession with lifting weights- she has been trying to get me to lift them for weeks now. I don't want to because I think that is a waste of time- I am strong enough from my size and from doing things around the house consistently.

I was dismissing her easily on the subject, and out of no where she says that I must be afraid of lifting weights.

o_o;

That I am afraid she'll find out that I can't "lift more than 20 pounds".

O_o;;;

That was kinda funny, really. I needed her to shut up so I could concentrate on things more constructive, so the best thing I could think of- given the location [my den]- to try to shut her up is to see how well she, compared to me, lifted our brand new, leather couch.

This leather couch is a very large couch- it is around three inches off the ground. To give you an idea, I'm six foot two or a little taller. I can rest with my head on one arm of the couch, and my feet just gently press against the other end.

A very large couch indeed.

I don't know how much it weighs- I think it is just below 100 pounds, maybe 80-90. I could lift one corner about 3-4 feet off the ground and hold it there indefinitely. That isn't a large accomplishment- I'm no bouncer- but it served my purposes well in the argument as she could maybe lift it a foot off the ground for a few seconds.

I guess maybe I should lift weights. My friend suggested to me something I agree with- I should do smaller weights for a longer amount of time so I don't develop huge muscles that only serve to *slow me down*. That would be more detrimental. o_O;

What do you think? Right now I was just casually aiming to lose weight, but while I'm there I could have a double agenda of sorts.

Eh. Doesn't matter I guess. o.o
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Wednesday, March 17, 2004

[B.] A Brick Wall.
I acquired the monetary resources to attain Suikoden II a few days ago.

Do you know the envelopes bank withdrawals come in?

You're catching on. 'Acquiring' monetary resources is easy, yes?

So now I have to play through all three Suikodens- a series I consider to be better than Final Fantasy.

A daunting task considering the average length of PlayStation RPGs. And a daunting task considering I prefer to complete them 100 percent.

Sir you've opened your eyes too late in the day.
They wait for you in the room.
You know they are having conversations of punishment.
Last night you lost control.
Broke all their blood pumping mechanisms.
So you stand in front of the polished sand.
Wondering what will become of you and them.
They are scared.
Burn them like you did the rest.
They are dead.
One step in front of the other.
You make your way to them.
You rehearsed your words so many times.
Say it like you mean it.
You always yell.

[new midi= favorite part of Moonlight Sonata.]
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[A.]The View From Here Is...
...



Red Youre a very-very passionate person. If you
believe in something, youre with it til the
end. You know how to get what you want and you
know what you want even better. Your eyes burn
with a sense of being and drive. Youre bold and
aggressive but very implosive. Sometimes you
should really calm down and think before you
act. Some people are really hurt by your words
and way. But I know what youll say: So what.
Just stay outta my way damnit Im like that too
^_^ (rate me)


What color is your mind? (Anime Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla


Sad... You use the darkness to hide yourself from
the world. Something has really hurted you,
which made you turn dark. Darkness makes you
feel save and that is why you stay there.

Please rate ^^


What kind of dark person are you?
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"Something has really hurted you"?


Heart of Crystal


What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
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You are the Hermit card. The Hermit has chosen a
solitary spiritual path. He shines light on his
inner self and, by this means, gains wisdom.
The Hermit's home is the natural world and it
is by being in tune with that world that he
learns the laws of nature and learn how they
operate within himself. His path is a lonely
one as he lives in silence and has for
companionship only his own internal rhythms.
But those crossing his path are touched by his
light and wisdom. Though often alone, he
manages nevertheless to instruct those who meet
him and guides those who chose to follow him on
a path towards enlightenment. Image from The
Aleister Crowley Tarot deck.
http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/thoth/


Which Tarot Card Are You?
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You are Artistic. You might be shy, or just very
dreamy. Thinking occupies most your time.
People know you're bold and have strong
opinions on things, but some might not really
know what they are. You love to paint, write,
read, things like that.


What's Your Personality?? (YOU CAN GET MIXED!) very detailed...(now with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla


You are a Khaos angel. You are different from all
the rest. You are a special breed of angel,
prone to suffer in the world that you are in
now. No matter how much you try to believe that
your not special, you are. There is alot that
you want to do in this world. Khaos angels are
very dramatic, we tend to have the ability to
cheer people up no matter what the mood, and
hold in your emotions. You should be proud,
Khaos angels are very rare to find in this
world of ours... (and yes. you are a completely
different type. Hence the name


What Different Kind of Angel are you...? ( Anime-ish pics )
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That was moderately unexpected.


Lonliness dominates you. You can hide it well, but
its there, and your friends can see it. You
constantly feel alone, and need to do things to
fill your time. Your afraid to tell people
this, but sooner or later it gets out in a bad
way, and you think you screwed up everything.
And when you are in love is when you are sad
the most. (Please Vote)


What Emotion Dominates you?
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My very British name is Quentin Cavendish.
Take The Very British Name Generator today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

....

Take the World of Darkness Quiz
by David J Rust

You're Element is Night. You're a loner who is very
creative but never show your work to anyone.
You may smile a little but sadness or
loneliness surround you and other can feel it
when they're near you. You have a dark or
unusual beauty that makes you mysterious and
you probably have a lot of secrets that you've
never told anyone. You're beauty is intriging
and unorthidox but the real thing that makes
you special is your eyes. Something in them
makes them like "Diamonds in the
Rough".


What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
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I am the descort, and thwart, and long for discordant, mordant chaos; See the pretty dissolution, See the ditty pattern briefly then Dissolve away Into a Newer Mode of messy disagreeable (but me-able) Affray, with lovely spite and hating, Fights and hurting, Never abating. (Quite contrary me.) What Poetry Form Are You?

Rain, rain, go away
Leave me here alone again
Where weary eyes and hollis tales play
Heavy on my mind

Rain, rain, don’t dismay
Come back on a better day
Where weary eyes and hollis tales
I’ve left them all behind

Some say I’m a fool
See me on a beggar’s stool
But all my truths are lied
All my secrets have been told

Rain, rain go away
Come back on a better day
When all my lies are gone and
All my burdens have been sold

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