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Friday, December 5, 2003
To feel.
Everyone has their shield. Something to retreat under, hude under, crawl under. Emotionally is more relevant than otherwise, personality shields are quite common. Even the person hiding under it could not be aware of it's presence- subconsiously we set them up, it feels natural when it isn't.
You can have many shields. A tool for every situation- right? Something for anything that is swung your way. Swing too much to bear? Duck under your shield.
The inherit problem with these shields is the fact that they can restrict growth. Growth of character, growth of emotion, growth of personality. It takes alot to get rid of them once we have gotten used to a failsafe that feels like a good thing.
It can be hard to detect which of your shields could be negetive- even to others. The simple fact is that maybe we need those shields to survive everything the world throws at us. I don't really know. Sometimes it might seem difficult to change these shields- mainly because it is.
I guess my shield that comes out more often than anything is one that dates back aways. It is more of a practice than a shield, but that could be debateable.
When you say "I don't care", you often say it for reasons that are not correct. You do care, you just say it as one of the above said shields. The problem is for me when I say that I generally mean it pretty near to full force- I don't care. If I think about the subject I don't feel any care twards it. There is no need, no emotion twards it.
So I can't really tell if that is a shield or a previous failure in my system. A nick in the machinery- or do people frequently not care about things that would be normal, to society, for one to care about. Is it my problem? Or is it just *a* problem? Can't say, I don't really talk to people about it.
What is the basis for it, anyway? What is care? Security? Trust? Love? All of those, I guess. Care is a basis that we act on all three and more. Can you not care? Even a bit? I guess so. If you hate something you obviously don't care, and everyone hates one thing.
So not caring could either be a malfunction or a normal thing- would that mean I hate alot of things? It is true that I have a bit more malcontent that most, maybe more agressive malcontent too, but I certainly don't walk around stabbing everything I see or some such drastic idea as that.
Maybe it is a lack of things to care about. No mother, no father, no sister anymore. None of the greatest friends of my life. No girlfriend, no god, no religion, no nation.
So it can be three things now.
Instead of narrowing it down I seem to be expanding it.
One could say that it is all of the above- I have clear failings in normal systems, that much is obvious. I definately do not have a normal selection of people to love that love me back. Or I just hate a ton of shit.
Surely cure is just one part of a multifacet system- care+???+???+???+(as many ???'s as you need)=total meaning of love, perhaps. You could say that emotions are like generalized- they break down into smaller, yet still important ones.
Or maybe it is a misdefinition. Happiness has alot of synonyms. Maybe emotions are as basic as they seem, or they are extraordinarily different.
What can you do, truely. No reason not to do anything I suppose. But the reasons for which I write this seem to have been lost in the attempt to put on paper.
Rambleing is good for people, I guess. When they ramble they let it out. They let it out, in a way. A better way? A positive one. Yes, a more better way.
Hm, so emotions can be defined? Maybe they can't, maybe we can't even define the very things that affect us constantly. Maybe it is like rleigion, something that was so basic we lost it in translation into something humanity could understand.
The basic message of Christ was love, it has been overbloated into a morass of something that can barely be called a "holy" religion. So, maybe like the overexertion humans made to explain religion and the basic rules of what that is, we lost it.
Surely, there is never a lack of emotion anywhere. It cannot be lacked, there is some sort of emotion no matter what occurs.
So maybe emotions are the major part of a soul. With a soul we get personality and emotion. When a man dies, his soul dies with him- that much I know. So with our deaths whatever a soul is dies- it would make sense that with the loss of a physical being the mental would go with it.
Mental= personality+emotion. So, a soul is emotion+personality- at its base. But, since the soul can die- quite easily, I might add, it adds a frailness to it all. Fragility of humanity is apparent in everything- nothing we do or ever will do will be perfect.
We even fail to be human.
So, our soul probably houses the things that we take for granted and yet use every second of our lives. Self examination is difficult for a reason, I suppose.
But, that said, without the soul the body might die too. Have you ever met a man without a soul? He expierenced emotion still, he had personality still- so he had a soul. Without a soul, maybe we die.
I don't think i'll meet a man without a soul, but if I do then my theory is flawed.
Hmm.
And, as I said in an earlier rant, everyone has their color- maybe their soul is that color. It has to differentate itself with the energy such a soul provides, an invisible aura mayhap. The soul makes us the magical us that we are, while still giving us the mortality that a mortal would require.
Hmm, yes.
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Tuesday, December 2, 2003
180 Proof.
So I got Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic..
.. and it rocks.
Aside from that i've been sorta a ghost online again. I hope you all haven't missed or or nothing. ;P
I'm not in a great mood today. I did not get alot of sleep last night and my stockpiles of caffeinated soda are depleated substantially.
Damn. Oh well.
Holiday season, mmm.
Goddamn bullshit.
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Saturday, November 29, 2003
Man. I can't think of a one word title for this one.
 | SimilarMinds.com Compatibility Test |
Your match with Laura
you are 77% similar
you are 70% complementary
| How Compatible are You with me?
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Thursday, November 27, 2003
Ensanguined.
No words can describe what a shitty day this is.
I hope you all had an ok turkeyday, though.
Although if someone died at your thanksgiving dinner that would be a small consolation to my animosity..
.. fucking holidays..
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Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Lugubrious.
Ahh. Holiday season.
I hate holidays.
Lets do a quiz day, it has been awhile.
Quiz Day
You are best suited to Traditional Wicca!!
You feel more comfortable in a structured setting,
but have no qualms about doing what must be
done when necessary.
What Style of Witchcraft suits you?
brought to you by Quizilla
"Handbook for the Shark and the Crocodile"?
Want To Know Which Element You Are?
You are Air!
Flighty and spontaneous, nothing can hold you
down. Your thoughts, emotions, actions are all done with little concern except to experience and move on.
What is this stress that others talk about? You'll have none of that. You also put the other elements to
shame with the passion you can hold (although brief) for anything. Downfall is you don't think out things
and it can get you into some trouble. Your emotions are also wild, so you're prone to fly off the handle.
Best Match: Water, they're the only ones who can stand your nature and keep you out of trouble;
Spirit, they'll listen and take little offense to your wild emotions.
Worst Match: Fire, nothing like two rams fighting over the same female...
Streea wasted a bunch of time making this test.
True Fae: You are a magical creature of legend, and
way too powerful to deal with trivial things
like the rules of physics. You don't play by
the rules science has tried to establish, you
are above them. Banality has not tainted your
soul with its order and structure. You are ever
changing, and always beyond belief. You are a
diamond in the night sky.
You have no/zero banality.
How Banal Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Head for the hills!
What's Your LJ Drama Type?
brought to you by Quizilla
What a way to go.
You are Mitsurugi -
Both mysterious and attractive, you captivate people with the fact that you seem to be
good at everything! Spending quiet moments with a friend and talking about what life means to you is your ideal situation. You don't like to stand out very much and you seem to be more old-fashioned
than modern, but when you do take the spotlight -- you command the floor!
Which Soul Calibur character are you?
this quiz was made by david park
You are Auron. Wo0t.
Which Final Fantasy X Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
As if you were born into a world of tears, you
always tend to look at the darker things in
life. Inside you crave attention yet push away
society, and you're a hopeless romantic. Drawn
to things like the occult and mysteries, you
spend your time daydreaming of "What
If's".
What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a
little bit cocky and usually associated with
evil or arrogant,but attractive people.You
probably just don't give a damn,but it's
everyone else's fault if you don't because
you're too awesome to have any real faults.
What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
*smirk*
Zyalak, meaning Darkness. Zyalak refers more to the
Shadow than actual darkness. Zyalak-Bry'Art (in
fairy-tales - most of which you probably
haven't heard, but anyway...) was a very
secretive character. In these stories, it was
said that 'the Wings of Darkness shrowded him
in mystery, as he fleeted from room to room...'
Pretty cool, eh?
What is your Vei-Na name? (guys only - there's another one for girls somewhere)
brought to you by Quizilla
You will be an art teacher. Dont you feel special?
What will you be when your grown up?
brought to you by Quizilla
You will go down fighting in a bar against the
man.(Rock on!)
How Will You Die?
brought to you by Quizilla
That is enough for now.
... mmmm ...
So little to give thanks for. Yet, the world dedicates so much time to giving thanks for things.
Leaves you time to brood, I suppose. Never celebrated Thanksgiving anyway. Even if I had not been religious, it seems like a load of bullshit. Mmm. Wasted time, wasted money, wasted effort.
So much free time during these days off when you don't celebrate the holidays.
It makes you wonder.......
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Monday, November 24, 2003
Extirpative.
I love how suicide and cutting has become a trend. I dislike the melodrama of describing my own times of extreme malcontent causing physical repercussions, but I think that everyone knows that story.
Winter is a depressing time for me. January is when my friends commited suicide, after all. It is hard not to get all reminescent about things and people that no longer exist, and memories that just linger to make you painfully wonder if you could have done something to stop it.
It is sad that that happened so early. It hangs on your back consistantly, no matter what anyone says to you. "It wasn't your fault"; "You couldn't have done anything". I think I could have. I know I could have. I could have saved three of my closest friends, but I couldn't really beleive for a second they were that unstable.
I couldn't even follow them into death, fate would not lend me that blessing. It hangs like a bad odor, restless, relenting. Never leaving.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I take offense to people who display it as a trend.
The personal affairs of men and their knives, as taboo as ever somehow becomes cool to parts of early teenage society. The real people who turn to knives mixed with those who wish to put on a facade, it is all mixed and blurred- the real not getting the help they need and the fake getting the pseudo-popularity they desire.
I see that a sad time falls on all, a worse time on many, a hellish time on a few. All are different in how they deal with it- writing, gaming, singing, punching, cutting. But some just have no way to go on and, in their own fury, end up hurting more than them.
The one common factor in all is pain, and how it molded them- stronger? weaker? more intelligent? more common sense?
Or was it just too much for them, and it ripped them apart?
All the poets in the world can try to describe the moment after you slit your wrists, but it is a moment that even sages cannot tell you.
Maybe it will stop someday. Just, stop. Like a halt to a fast car, or a train skidding to it's demise.
And yet,
I salute ye, men of valor. For life has seen no war greater than the tribulations of man, and yet the tribulations of man is a war that will never end. Combat casualties mount, the maelstrom is all consuming.
Take my hand and dance with me, for tomorrow we may all die.
But, poetics aside, behind me.. lies another fallen soldier.
May his soul find the peace that I never saw him attain in life.
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Sunday, November 23, 2003
Tourism.
The Trip To Mexico, Part 1
The trip to Mexico started off bad- the reason I say that is that I got no sleep on Friday night. I went to bed at around 2:30 or so and attempted to get at least a couple of hours in before I had to wake up to get ready to go.
3:50-4 I was tossing and turning, wondering why it was so hot- after a few minutes I got fed up with this and went to check on the thermostat. It was set on heat at 78 degrees. That really irritated me- I definately had not of done that, I like it really cold so most nights I have the AC on really low if anything. I turned it on AC/70 degrees right quick and opened the windows.
It was no use, it didn't get cool fast enough to give me time to drop off to sleep. So I got around 40-50 minutes of sleep total, lol. [Neither of my parents have admitted to the crime either, so it leaves me in wonder. -_-]
Well, my alarm blared at 5 and I lept up to take a shower. Took me around 14 minutes to do. As soon as I was dry I realized that I didn't have a clean pair of jeans to wear- so I threw a pair in, counting on it taking around an hour to wash/dry in total.
Intill around a minute my ride arrived I was in a shirt, socks and underwear.
The shit I took to Mexico was basic- 37 dollars, headphones, cd player, cds, The Hobbit, a snack bar, two sodas and my garage door opener.
There were two things I was supposed to acquire for my parents- a large bottle of pure vanilla and a bag of pastries.
With all that said, my ride rolled up into my driveway at around 6:14 or so. It consisted of Ben, my good bro, and his mother Gracie.
I was the first to be picked up of 6- 6 in a small car. That is right, she somehow crammed 3 people in the front part of the car and 3 people in the back- leaving all 4 teenagers quite uncomfortable.
Aside from Ben we had Alex [guy who lives in my neighborhood and who used to be a rival, you could say] and Stephen- an emo, diabetic, pessimist on antidepressents that I have not seen for like.. 4 years.
The other adult was a guy named Steven. Dr. Steven. He is 90 years old with two doctrates. He can speak 5 languages.
It sounds like I am describing an action doll, woo hoo for the old guy.
Anyway, he was cool- no missing that, quite smart and he had a good sense of humor for someone whos first language wasn't english.
With all of us crammed into the car I was the one who was speaking the most for the teenagers- mainly making 'witty' retorts to what the adults were saying.
One of the most notable was one that was started by Gracie, while we were enroute to get Steven after rounding up all the teenagers.
She glanced up and to the left, staring at the quarter moon and said "Wow, that moon is really beautiful tonight. Quarter moon, isn't it? It looks just like a 3d obkect from here."
My eyes shifted from the moving scenery out the window to the back of her head, where I said "That could be because it is a 3d object."
I noticed out of my eyes that Stephen and Alex started to grin a bit.
Gracie sort of glanced back and said "Oh, really? Tell me all about it, Kenny."
I leaned back and closed my eyes, trying to think of how to end all of this- my eyes shot open as soon as I did and I started speaking, a mischeivious grin on my face.
"Well, you see- the moon is what we call a Sphere, a 3d plane. It is somewhat gray and has a few craters on it."
I paused for a moment for dramatic effect and then said, "Also I believe it is communist."
Alex burst out laughing to my right and Stephen had a wider grin [he doesn't laugh much, lol.] Ben was too sleepy to care, but Gracie also started laughing.
Just one of the more interesting conversations in the car that morning.
Anyway, we arrived at the SouthWest Research Institute. Gracie was head of their travel branch- she organized the various trips she sponsored to various places, including the various trips to Nuevo Laredo I go on.
We arrived just, by chance, as the large-stereotypical tourist bus arrived! Yes, those huge otherwordly machines that are painted white+only one other color and have the logo of their company humping it on the side.
Well, all of the teenagers were given the task of taking in the stuff that Gracie had bought for all of the people on the trip- 4 boxes of muffins and 2 boxes of large, bulk containers of little juice packs. Not too bad, but as soon as we entered the bus we were in the massive charade of being placed in a seat- all the teenagers were together in two rows, me and Stephen in the third from the front, Alex and Ben in the second from the front. Both on the right side, of course.
And, thusly, our journey began.
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Friday, November 21, 2003
Heh.
I fucked with Mitch a bit when I shouldn't have but I think he and I are better friends from it. Heh.
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Apathy.
Did you ever take up a cause or opinon that no one else seemed to enjoy or understand?
A sort of opinon that only you could understand or take up, something personal to the point it is missed by everyone else.
It is probably a silly cause, something small- redundant, inane, crazy. Taking a stand for something insignificant that everyone disagrees with, even those who you thought would agree with you.
You would probably have to justify why you were taking a stand for it as you do because it even begins to seem a bit silly to you.
Everyone has an opinon on your silly opinon and all of them are wrong- though, in their self-confidence and self righteousness proclaim their judgement of you to be right, when in reality their own blind idea that they are the most wise in the land causes them to miss the point entirely.
Small things, small things.
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Tuesday, November 18, 2003
Euphoria.
Did you ever take a look at yourself and realize how much you have physically changed?
Maybe that is sort of stupid, since most of the people that visit this are older than I am. People seem to forget that 3 years ago I was 12.
3 years ago, actually, I was only 4 months into being 12, haha.
But, goddamn I sure as hell got tall. I'm reaching 6'3, now I think. My father estimates I should be around 6'6 when I'm 18.
6 foot fucking 6. That's bullshit.
Halfway to 7 feet tall, jesus. I'm going to need to purchase myself a huge tank if I want to drive anywhere.
Oh well. Maybe i'm just too self aware of the physical changes.
Mindset wise, my personality went optimistic for a few months a year ago and then dropped back down into malcontent, lol. Oh well.
In what will seem like a day, i'll age 60 years and be sitting in a house, wondering where all the time left I had went.
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