Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Ambrosia.
That "Changing of Sexes. [Maturity should be must]" is quite odd for me in particular.

The rundown is this. Since I was 7 or so from previous psychological damage I have had the odd feeling that if I was a girl, maybe things would have turned out better for me.

I know what originally gave me the idea, actually. There was a movie advertisment on the television for a comedy movie that bombed called "Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde". I have seen the movie since then and it actually sucks more ass than anything else in existence. However, from the title, if you have any intelligence at all, you can get a general idea of what it was about.

That enthralled me. I had the idea that maybe if I had been female more people would enjoy my company, or maybe my parents would not have hurt me. Maybe people would finally pay attention, someone would listen to the cute little girl. People wouldn't want to scream or yell, hit or cut the cute little girl. People in school would want to be friends with the cute little girl, they would want to talk to her, play with her at recess, sit with her at lunch. It was more of a daydream than a real longing.

I cannot shake that idea, even now. It becomes more strange to me, because I am not homosexual in any way. The combination of being a normal non-popular outsider in school and my radically abnormal family destroyed some rational part of my emotions.

Reading that topic sort of insulted me,
however. There was no way I would get surgery or anything- it wasn't complete. I don't like unfinished, "eh it is almost there" things. They irritate me.

So, then, I read the topic and find that alot of people find the idea disgusting or wrong.

I cannot comprehend how people can be so close minded and deliberately arrogant when dealing with different ideas. I am not saying that people like me, who have clear damage to basic emotions, should be allowed to do drastic, life changing things for petty reasons or daydreams- but some people feel a type of pain that only they can know and understand.

However, I have a very hard time not seeing things in a black and white way. Maybe there is something there that I am numb to.

Maybe the idea, dream or action is really disgusting or strange or off.

I am content with that, then. I have lost the need to care for the opinons of people who barely know me. There are only a few people on OB who have my trust. They can judge me and I will accept it, because they know who I am.

Tori, James, Neil, Jenna.

That is you.

Anyway. I think that maybe if we could actually 'walk in each others shoes' then the world would be a lot.. more.. boring for me..

Because I enjoy tasting of the opinons of all, it aids me.

Anywho. I think I will bring back the "Music Lyrics of the Day" from Divine Divinity.

MUSIC LYRICS OF THE DAY:

This is the song I was listening to while restraining the above-said rant on the gender topic.

Rational Gaze
Performed By: Meshuggah

Squint your eyes to see clearly. Blur reality to make it real.
Let focus go from your deceiving eyes to know what's been concealed.
We've all been blinded - Subjects of visual misinformation.
A systematic denial of the crystalline

To see the fine grain, to read the hidden words
The context of parallel truth - Devoid of fragmentation

Our light-induced image of truth - Filtered blank of its substance,
As our eyes won't adhere to intuitive lines.
Everything examined, Separated, one thing at a time
The harder we stare the more complete the disintegration.

Dissolution.

Eyes re-opened.

Reasoning focalized, Receptors activated.

Perspectives distorted.
The ladder beyond our grasp.
The twin-headed serpent forever hidden,
Where's the true knowledge?
Where engines of the sane & insanity merge.
The clarity, the unity.

Reality untouchable, transparent, invisible to our fixed, restricted fields of vision.
Existence taken for granted.

Absolute.

Possessed, owned, controlled
By the common sense-infected rational gaze
Onward, forever, we walk among the ignorant.

NEVER STRAY FROM THE COMMON LINES!

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