Friday, December 5, 2003

To feel.
Everyone has their shield. Something to retreat under, hude under, crawl under. Emotionally is more relevant than otherwise, personality shields are quite common. Even the person hiding under it could not be aware of it's presence- subconsiously we set them up, it feels natural when it isn't.

You can have many shields. A tool for every situation- right? Something for anything that is swung your way. Swing too much to bear? Duck under your shield.

The inherit problem with these shields is the fact that they can restrict growth. Growth of character, growth of emotion, growth of personality. It takes alot to get rid of them once we have gotten used to a failsafe that feels like a good thing.

It can be hard to detect which of your shields could be negetive- even to others. The simple fact is that maybe we need those shields to survive everything the world throws at us. I don't really know. Sometimes it might seem difficult to change these shields- mainly because it is.

I guess my shield that comes out more often than anything is one that dates back aways. It is more of a practice than a shield, but that could be debateable.

When you say "I don't care", you often say it for reasons that are not correct. You do care, you just say it as one of the above said shields. The problem is for me when I say that I generally mean it pretty near to full force- I don't care. If I think about the subject I don't feel any care twards it. There is no need, no emotion twards it.

So I can't really tell if that is a shield or a previous failure in my system. A nick in the machinery- or do people frequently not care about things that would be normal, to society, for one to care about. Is it my problem? Or is it just *a* problem? Can't say, I don't really talk to people about it.

What is the basis for it, anyway? What is care? Security? Trust? Love? All of those, I guess. Care is a basis that we act on all three and more. Can you not care? Even a bit? I guess so. If you hate something you obviously don't care, and everyone hates one thing.

So not caring could either be a malfunction or a normal thing- would that mean I hate alot of things? It is true that I have a bit more malcontent that most, maybe more agressive malcontent too, but I certainly don't walk around stabbing everything I see or some such drastic idea as that.

Maybe it is a lack of things to care about. No mother, no father, no sister anymore. None of the greatest friends of my life. No girlfriend, no god, no religion, no nation.

So it can be three things now.

Instead of narrowing it down I seem to be expanding it.

One could say that it is all of the above- I have clear failings in normal systems, that much is obvious. I definately do not have a normal selection of people to love that love me back. Or I just hate a ton of shit.

Surely cure is just one part of a multifacet system- care+???+???+???+(as many ???'s as you need)=total meaning of love, perhaps. You could say that emotions are like generalized- they break down into smaller, yet still important ones.

Or maybe it is a misdefinition. Happiness has alot of synonyms. Maybe emotions are as basic as they seem, or they are extraordinarily different.

What can you do, truely. No reason not to do anything I suppose. But the reasons for which I write this seem to have been lost in the attempt to put on paper.

Rambleing is good for people, I guess. When they ramble they let it out. They let it out, in a way. A better way? A positive one. Yes, a more better way.

Hm, so emotions can be defined? Maybe they can't, maybe we can't even define the very things that affect us constantly. Maybe it is like rleigion, something that was so basic we lost it in translation into something humanity could understand.

The basic message of Christ was love, it has been overbloated into a morass of something that can barely be called a "holy" religion. So, maybe like the overexertion humans made to explain religion and the basic rules of what that is, we lost it.

Surely, there is never a lack of emotion anywhere. It cannot be lacked, there is some sort of emotion no matter what occurs.

So maybe emotions are the major part of a soul. With a soul we get personality and emotion. When a man dies, his soul dies with him- that much I know. So with our deaths whatever a soul is dies- it would make sense that with the loss of a physical being the mental would go with it.

Mental= personality+emotion. So, a soul is emotion+personality- at its base. But, since the soul can die- quite easily, I might add, it adds a frailness to it all. Fragility of humanity is apparent in everything- nothing we do or ever will do will be perfect.

We even fail to be human.

So, our soul probably houses the things that we take for granted and yet use every second of our lives. Self examination is difficult for a reason, I suppose.

But, that said, without the soul the body might die too. Have you ever met a man without a soul? He expierenced emotion still, he had personality still- so he had a soul. Without a soul, maybe we die.

I don't think i'll meet a man without a soul, but if I do then my theory is flawed.

Hmm.

And, as I said in an earlier rant, everyone has their color- maybe their soul is that color. It has to differentate itself with the energy such a soul provides, an invisible aura mayhap. The soul makes us the magical us that we are, while still giving us the mortality that a mortal would require.

Hmm, yes.
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