Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Living in a World of Promises.
How much of what you see is superficial? I don't know. If I did, then I wouldn't be paranoid sometimes that what I see is only what someone else wants me to see, or only what I can see. Or is it how I see? I see differently from most everyone.

Howell means "alert one" the irony does not escape me in the least, which seems unfortunate if you think about it really hard, but most of you have no clue as to what I am talking about.

So living in a world of peoples goals, dreams and ideas- it isn't a great place to be, honestly. It isn't an efficient, an emotional or a just one- it tries to dabble on every spectrum society allows unless it is taboo, there has to be a centralization so that things are not as foggy as they always seem to be if you let your mind drift on them.

It is like a staticy channel on television sometimes, you just can't see everything you think you do- you see it wrong because of the interference by outside sources. How much of this am I seeing correctly? Am I doubting my abilities as someone who is self proclaimed as wise? Otherwise, maybe I am just wise in my own facilities, dreams and superficial realizing.

Dwelling on this will drive you mad if you doubt yourself to the point that you are writing something of this sort in an online journal. Will I find the true sight I seek by following one man? I don't know, that is the problem- I wish I did know. If I knew then maybe I would be more confident in my ventures.

So there in a new year when nothing seems to have changed in the major subjects of the world, the taboo is still the idiotically taboo and the problems are still split between society evenly.

The problems of terrorism of a war to end unorthodox attacks, of ironies of that sort. Things of tax cuts when the bulk of the economy relies on taxes, things that really should have gone away by now but they probably won't until the cycle ends.

I think I need to take some time off before I reach my wits end, I'm not doing so well. Things make me overheat easily, emotionally. I am not stable generally and I can feel myself slipping sometimes into something I am not used to displaying that easily.

It is all about seeing the world around you- I am worried about clarity, as I said. If it is not clear then what if all my judgements are being based off something wrong, I don't know. The recurring theme to this is pushing forward into the unknown or foggy. My mind tells me to go with that, constantly, just charge forward and take it head on.

Yet as a tactician I know that this is not sound in many ways, even beyond just tactics- it is common sense. But if my clarity is off, then my common sense too would not be working so well, would it? Everything I base myself on could be wrong, it is not good to be discovering so much blackness when before it all seemed so clear. Things you plan leading to things you don't plan leading to things you don't plan the chain reaction must end somewhere, surely.

I will find out someday how clear things can be, and if it is just my over thinking that makes it this foggy. Maybe I'll tell you how it goes then, I hope to have a good report for you.

It has been too long since I was able to write my thoughts down as they came, but it is overtly refreshing to be able to do so this easily.
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