Monday, April 12, 2004

The Classic Sound Of Hitting The Bottom.
I see you indoctrinated in things you cannot know.

I wish to free you, but you doggedly decline my generosity.

You will die. There is no Heaven laying at the end of this path.

Wasting time on things that cannot be, a dream that you wish was real.

I'm sorry I couldn't save you from the same fate. Now I can only watch you, as you fade away into the crowds, all of the same people.

I remain alienated.

There is no real reason to continue this disastrous path, really. I cannot think of any reasons as to why, or when, I grew tired of you- and your religion, and your way of not tolerating what I think.

I don't want to hear about your executed savior, fanatically proclaiming he died for someone on a piece of wood- he died, he is dead, he remains dead.

Please, depart from my eyesight- I avoid people like you specifically because you annoy me. Something under my skin, an itch. You *are* under me, you have not seen the true light. I don't care how holier-than-thou I seem, you would be a hypocrite to even use that plane of logic.

Your patronizing attitude in regards to my attempts at enlightening you furthers my wishes to curtail you from my life completely and entirely- it was a mistake, we don't think alike. We never will. You have conformed.

Outsider my ass.

You made me happy for so long, and I don't really understand why you would return to your slaving ways.

There is no salvation in any religion, and I don't care what you think, reader. I'm beyond you, you've forgotten me. I wish I could forget you, friend- but I can't as easily as everyone has me.

It sickens me, really. I say I tolerate your religion, you sell it to me- speak of it consistently. I tell you what I feel and I can tell in your sentences that you pity me- you think I'm under you, you think I'm just a mongrel who needs to be shown the path to your great, true religion.

Your religion is shit. It always has been, it always will be. To think I even held my temper back for all of you people, I don't know why I did. Your religions will fade like all religions do, like the Greeks and Roman religion did- like the Norse religion did.

Your wasted time means nothing to a God or to me. I don't want to be apart of any community or clique you are in, I don't have to and I won't deal with it anymore.

We pretend that we are all open minded, even I do. But we always close ourselves off to things- it's almost laughable. No one is truly open minded. You can't be, don't say otherwise- wait, you can't. I turned off comments for a reason.

I had forgotten the true purpose of my diaries, and that is to let off steam- no matter what people think. I don't want to hear your reactions because I doubt you have anything near intelligent to say about anything.

Things so small always creep up in what you write, what you think- things that won't matter in a week, maybe. Stuff that shouldn't concern you to the degree it does- do you even stop to look around? You're a speck on a globe that is a speck in the universe.

There is so much you could do.. so much you could explore! You could wander the Earth for ages seeing new things every day, if you truly wanted. You could find a way.

But you won't.. the only goals you have are for professions or for marriage. There is no adventure in your heart. You've lost that sparkle in your eyes.

I'm only beyond you in religion. I will probably die a lonely man because I cannot accept so many things that are apart of society- that is laughable, laughable as to a child trying desperately to walk. Stumbling consistently.

There is no success in my world, only minor failures. I cannot get over that, there is no final success- you could always have done better. My father beat that into me so much that I never know success, I don't know if I will- I will try to forget but it is painful. In my world all you did was fail and fail and fail.

It made me irritable. I don't like people being happy over all the small accomplishments they make because I was never allowed to feel that way.

I keep dreaming about my lost love, it is consistent.. I don't understand why, I think I've forgotten about her but then in a dream we are together, we are happy, we aren't alone.

That shouldn't happen. It shouldn't happen to people who don't need anymore burdens on their shoulders.

She is gone, I know. She is rumored to be someone completely different that who she was when I loved her, I know. But she was the only person I can remember looking at me like I was equal. Everyone up to that point had looked at me in negative ways.. looked at me like only a son. Or looked at me like an overweight, ugly unpopular person. Or looked at me like a bookish nerd. No one had that ever had that look in their eyes when they saw me. It was refreshing to finally feel like a human being to someone.

It wasn't meant to be, apparently. Some sort of negative fate awaits me, it cannot cease. Always eternally things I love are ripped from me, and I cannot stop them from being so.

And I never was taught of a heaven, or a hell. I was only taught of a death. You die, you are dead, you cease to exist- in soul and in body. Then I found that religion to be as corrupt as the others.. and I had to dismiss the resurrection part of that doctrine. So now I am left with a world where no one comes back when they leave.

It's tiresome.. really, it is.

So varied my troubles are.

I just want people to go away so much, and yet I need just one person to make me happy- and in all the crowds of people I meet, she isn't there.

And to think, my parents didn't want me at all. Not even they saw any value in me. Not even my biological parents.. I was a burden to them.

But no, back to the subject at hand..

I might never see the day when children aren't raised and religiously indoctrinated by their parents into conformed slaves, but I can be happy in knowing that their is no heaven for anyone.

There is no reward for your ill-doing. You will die like the rest of us, you are no better. Your death is coming, always. And when it passes, you will no longer have any means of propaganda for your faith.

You will die. I will die. When that day comes, I will be very glad. I will be able to rest, finally. I will not have to live for anyone anymore. Ahh, peaceful sleep do come soon. Away from this world, away.

Forever.

Take this how you want. You are as sensitive as you wish to be.

Amusing.
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