Sunday, May 23, 2004

90% fake, 10% themselves OR Slowly sick society sucking souls, scientists sorrowfully say OR I wish I could stab my eyes out with a fucking popsicle stick OR I'll be waiting here for the end of my..


Worked my ass off in the yard and I was able to finally make some purchases at the local mall.

Europa: 1400 Gold Edition. 20$, comes with the full version + the expansion pack. [*insert sound of glee*]

Adrenaline by Deftones. 11.99, horrah. Think I got all the CDs now. Grahoo! [Grahoo, hm.]

The End of Heartache by Killswitch Engage. 16.99, hope it is as good as it sounded on the preview. ["I'll be waiting.."]

Worship And Tribute by Glassjaw. 16.99, finally. All I can say is finally. Behold the power of Glassjaw.

Going to the mall is a long trip in social anxiety. You feel like everyone is staring at you, or when people laugh they are laughing at you. It's an interesting trip into wishing them all dead for your own odd, uh, social anxiety.

It isn't hard to be in social situations, it's just annoying. People are like children to me, all of them. Only when you get into smaller groups, where you can meet them one on one is it nice. Persons>People.

Then again all the things you can see at the mall are quite amusing. Different "cliques", different people wearing fashions that gives away their personality [although I would think many of the people dressed as goths or ghetto people are posers, sometimes it is kinda obvious. For example, I haven't met many teenage mexican gangsters, haha! I live in a city full of hispanics so, take it from me- most of them are prolly either too stupid to be anything else or posers. :P]

As for the preppy, uppity, hyper people- what can I say? They infest everything, which is alright I guess. They are happy, cool. Just, you know- keep it OVER THERE. That way, in your own little zone. I have my own way of being happy- it's the less annoying way, the "I might not get stabbed with a ballpoint pen because I pissed off the wrong person" way.

Dorks.

Everyone was with someone too, friends, family, lovers. I was all alone. Aww, poor Ken.

Really, though. It was depressing in a dramatic way. But, the sun was shining through the windows above me in the food court and, there, in the light I knew that everything would be...

.. pretty mediocre. Which is all you can expect, I suppose. I won't be alone for long, so it'll work out.

I don't really know if I could get along with anyone like what was in the mall anyway, the stereotypical teenage cliques, you know?

Though, I would be happy to blend into intellectuals.

But intill then, it's just me and a bunch of people in varying states, countries and cities huh. Better than nothing I guess.

But there are still some flaws I need to work out in how I act. I try too hard to make people happy with comedy, it alienates them. But, the quieter I get, the more I have to say to people. Bluntly, comedically- both ways.

The more I have to say to people's faces.

Maybe I can't shut up. It's a talent. I can rant, I can be blunt, I can be generous.

But I can't be quiet unless something is wrong.

It is ironic I have Type O blood, the universal donor. I can give to everyone and anyone. Over and over, I probably will and do to those who need it.

But I can't receive anything unless it's exactly the same blood type. Even when I'm dying slowly, it has to be from someone special.

Maybe I need to find someone special.

But, when dealing with hordes of people, it just feels annoying. When they laugh, it feels like it's at you, and you grin- you know you're wrong, but you can't stop from feeling that way. So you have to pity yourself.

I dunno. How pitiable am I? Not too much so. I have a path, I have opinions. But I don't have true happiness, do I? I guess sometimes I get kinda happy. Maybe I'm just content.

Content with what? I own nothing but my life. Is that all I have anymore, am I down to just my own life? Lost the friends, lost the girlfriends, lost the religion. Is this really all I can say I have?

Can this be it? Just this stupid body and a mind who wanders to questions it wants to answer but it can't. That's depressing.

None of these material possessions will last. They might last longer than my life, but they will rot too.

So all I have left is a life I'll end up losing. All I can do from now till then is live, with that fact lodged somewhere near my brain.

And with this, this world. This deplorable world. Yes, this stupid place.. this place needs to be changed. And I, I cannot.. but maybe others can, I can help them.

I might not be the wisest or smartest person that will ever live. Or the strongest, or the fastest, or the happiest, or the saddest.

But that's alright, because I will be truer to me than most anyone I see in this piece of shit culture I live in.

I don't even care if that is dramatic, it's true.

But, is it good for you to be that honest with yourself? I dunno even what I'm talking about anymore.

Oh well. It feels like I'm bleeding constantly from myself and I can't stop it. Just bleeding everywhere.

My dreams are always about the past and never about the future, nothing ever good comes from sleep.

What a crazy existence it is. Maybe there is more adventure than I thought left.

I dunno. I'll die sometime. I don't plan it, I'll try to avoid it. I'll do whatever I want to till then, it might shorten my life but, hey.

The matter is not how long you live, it's how you lived it. It isn't jobs or money, or material possessions. It's the people you affect, the friends you make, the lovers you court, the family you raise.

Not about your birth, or death. It's the in between. And, maybe everyone knows that- but they don't act like they know that.

I guess I do know, for once. There isn't much question about this, it's just rambling about things people know.

Maybe I am just hoping this will be like an RPG. I'll go off and save the world! Haha. Nah.

I'll go off and live.
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