Thursday, June 3, 2004

A Hymn for the Rived.
It's tiring, really.

Funeral after funeral.

Since I'm adopted by grandparents, alot of their older relatives die.

And, as their 'son', I'm required to go.

You walk up to the casket, and like everyone else, you just stare. It's a different person, a different life, a different personality.

What's the point? I don't want to go anymore. I don't want to show respect to anyone anymore. You just go and hear what they did, how much people enjoyed being around them as they did it and how much they are going to miss them doing things.

Of course, you know, they are in heaven now or going to be resurrected someday or something else like that.

Well, if that's the case, just toss them in the ground. They have moved on faster than you have. Get a move on, let's go.

I dunno. Alone, in a church, when everyone has already left. Your parents talking to some last people nearby, it's depressing. The light from outside always is filtered or curtailed by something, making it dreary.

They are alot heavier than you think, you know? Caskets. Being a pallbearer those couple of times was tough, specially since I was a kid. I barely made it to the hearse/burial site.

You wander away from the burial site and it is dead quiet. Amongst the graves, in your Sunday best. Just still. Dead. Muted.

Then you always go and.. celebrate or something. You go have some food at someone's house. Yay, someone died, let's eat. It feels fake.

My great-grandma is senile in a nursing home. I know she's dying, everyone does. That's going to be like the tenth funeral in 15 years, literally.

Man, it was harsh, I'll tell you. Seeing people your age in a casket because of their own depression.

She looked beautiful, even then, I'll tell you. I know I was taken at the time, but I couldn't help but be smitten with her up until that time.

That was the last time I felt any need to pay respect to anyone who died. Since then, I'm apathetic about it. They died. The people attending will die. It's a waste of my time, most of those relatives don't even care about me. I'm just some adopted kid from a fuckup my parents adopted.

Why do I have to bleed for their wasted souls? Let their loved ones drown themselves in sorrow when they do what every other human being eventually does.

It was beautiful. At my other Grandma's funeral there was a massive thunderstorm that arrived in the middle of the burial site service. The sky was black and there was rotation in the clouds. Tornadic, yes? I'll never forget the poetic way they were moving, as it began to pour down rain at the cemetery.

I do not want to participate in them anymore. It's grown tiresome, left a bad taste in my mouth. This is all just so cumbersome, life. Tiring. Sometimes you just do not want to go on.

Not out of depression or angst or rage. Just because you are tired. So very tired of carrying on. You sleep, not wanting to awake the next morning.. and yet, you always do. It's always bright, sunny and you get up and go out to another day of trudging through the repeating stories, the looping news, the same old friends, the mundane problems. Same dialogue as yesterday.. same expectations of you. Same disappointments.

What's the point? It's your choice to be living in that, so why can't you choose not to? People expect you to be so strong and then ask you to be strong for them. Advice, always. They need advice. For themselves, their loves, their love life, what they should do/did do/have had done to them.

Maybe I've given up hope. I'll read this later and be disgusted at my weaknesses, but for now, I am back to feeling tired in my soul.

Ah, to be as free as they were in their choices. Easily dead, but not easily forgotten, leaving me here. They had no right to, no. But still, it's just one more weight.

There will come a time when I know that death is near. Happiness lays in that, the fact that no more will I war with men, with problems, with life. My fight will be over. Ah, to know that peace..

The people I meet, the people I help, it all keeps me going. If only you never had to leave anyone behind, never had to regret things. Then you could always be as peaceful and carefree as you were as a child.

The point of this post is mundane, really. Just one more person in a myriad of people who wants to slip into death before their time.

Ah, but I can't. Promises, people, broken hearts.

This is such a pain to write. Knives in the kitchen.. pills everywhere.. tempting me, taunting me.

But no, I must remain steadfast. Things to do, projects to complete, people to help. Ah, many years yet to pass..

But, I do wish for those that have passed on, the billions of them, to rest in peace. Ah.. resting in peace.

Someday! Someday I will know happiness. A daughter, a wife, an adventure..

You too! Yes, you will know happiness.. more than you have now!

But, it always seem to take too long for the someday to come. With such dreary thoughts and tempting devices to kill myself with, can I make it?

Maybe, maybe. Surely no greater accomplishment can I achieve, for now, than to push myself to remain alive. Not for myself, but for others. Never can I live for myself, for some reason.

So tired..

Ah, well. I will demonstrate my superior strength ever-more. There will be no death that befalls me from any other man, or myself. Only nature can claim my soul.

Thusly, I condemn myself to further wear, further tear, further breaking in. Indeed, many more tribulations will befall me.

Warrior spirit, yeah. Gotta keep pushing forward. Fight the fine fight. I will never fall to my own emotions. There is nothing that I cannot get through.

Yes, always remember that. I am human, I adapt. Ahh, invigorating. I will take it head on, yes.

But still, in due time, I will have to catch my breathe and lament as I feel the true weight of what I carry once more.. over and over.

Marching forth, until which time I fall. It's a sad, really. Oh well. What can you do?

I must last longer than this. There is too much that depends on me to fall so easily.

Ah, but that much more to weigh me down.

Better people than I are going through worse things though, so, I guess it is alright to just brood, take it, and keep moving on.

Yeah. Brood, take it, and keep charging.

Something will take me down.
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