Sunday, November 5, 2006

havent written here in a pretty long time. everything is changing. as always, i suppose. life is always changing. i am still holding on. with greg right now. makes me happy. i hate being apart tho. travis isnt talking to me no mores. thats okay. going out with carly. mika and me dont talk much no mores. hate it, but i dont really know how to fix it. josh and me are best friends now. he is my big brother. he is looking out for me. same for greg c. looking out for me always. i think aaron aaron is a little mad at me. he kept asking me whats wrong and i ran away from him. singing right now. making me beter. going out with glenn to look at flooring today. he will drop me off at the mall for a couple hours. going to look for to walk with lions. had a nightmare yesterday. feel a little unsetteled today. not because of the nightmare. not because of the headache. i dont know why. feeling like this alot lately. i will get over it i hope. i have to go nowe. laundry.
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Monday, July 31, 2006

still dont really know what to say. dont really care actually. my mind, keeps going over what has been happening, what happened a long time ago, what could happen. it goes over scenario after scenario of stupid pointless things that make absolutely no sense. i am trying to stop myself from thinking about mika at all. she is leaving. i dont want to think of her leaving. i am weak, i suppose, to be hiding myself from my own dumbass thoughts and feelings. doesnt matter. my pepere alarie, is very sick. mom sais he might even be dying, if he keeps going like he is. i want to see him. i cant. my own fault. i gave my mom bad additude, and so she said that i will stay here and work, and if i stop giving her bad additude and be good, then she will let me go. it doesn't matter. i talked to adame on the phone yesterday. he is not learning, or growing, he is jsut the same. that is okay. he may not be perfect, but riht now, he is one of the two people whom know me best. mika, i dont think she really knows me anymore, either that or she simply doesnt want to. adame doesnt know me all that well, but then again, nobody else does either. greg, he knows me less then many, but that is not his fault at all. the fault lays between my own fears and the fact that we dont see eachother much. this wenesday is our two month annaversary. i am hoping that mom will let me go out with him, to celebrate. ofcourse, mom will not know that it is him i am going out with, but still. he didnt pick up his phone when i called him today. was probably busy with his friends. thats okay. i have to learn to be less selfish. if he wants to play airsoft with his friends instead of talk to me, i dont blame hi. our conversations are all pointless anyways. i am stupid to care so much. and i am stupid to be hurting. its my own fault anyways. i dont know what to talk about with him. i dont really nkow why . i cant say any more on here. i have to go.
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Saturday, July 29, 2006

don't really know what to say. i want him to succeed and do well. i want her to be happy for once. i don't know how to help either happen. i am clueless right now. they were all there, in my dream. i didn't understand it in the least. and alot of it was...unatural. i acted so....diffrent. and so did everyone else. it was weird. at least, am trying to think good better now. its kinda hard alot of the time, but i am trying. i don't know wht to do about her. i am worried like crazy. i've managed to run someone else out of my life. one of many, i suppose. i cant stay and keep talking. i dont know what i am saying. this is dangerouse. he is dangerouse. they are all dangerouse. there is no place safe from them. it hurts so much. i don't feel anything right now. i dont fucking want it! keep it! dont give it to me! dont even think about it at all! u need it more then me. ahhhhhh. fuck you. dont! i cant feel anything...
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Wednesday, June 28, 2006

im sorry i havent written in a while. i have been gone or busy alot. i will be gone and busy alot this whole month. i am not here at all except for wenesday next week, and this week only for today and tomorow, then i leave to go to ste.agathe. whatever. anyways, i am kindof really very much confused about everything that is happening to me, and around me. i dont know what to do about any of it. this is driving me nuts. not exaclty. but it is taking a toll on me kindof. i cnt say it has been hard for me life-wise. only heart-wise. i cant really say much more then that, because i dont really understand it.

i want to send mika to a hotel or something. for a few days. to relax and heal a bit. i want her sooo much to get better. i dont really care where it is, if its a hotel or not, just anywhere where she can do nothing, but heal and get better. i have reiki, i have estelle to help me. she doesnt know of that. i want to introduce her to it, but i am afraid of how she will react. if she will truly believe in it all. it doesnt matter. the chance has come and gone, i suppose, so now i will do it myself. that is okay. as long as she gets better, i will do all i can. i have to go. i cant keep talking.
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Friday, June 23, 2006

i is a little sad today. i was supposed to hang out with mika for her b-day today, and it sucks because i am grounded and so can not do so. tomorow, actually, i am supposed to hang out, not today. and the day after tomorow is her real b-day. it makes very sad. i have not seen her in a bit. i miss her. man, i am weird. i will see her soon. i hope.

i am working overnight tomorow night. i am going to be tired saturday, and then i am working again sunday. but thats ok, because i will have monday for koz. mika can come with me this tim i hope. not sure. i am not sure if mom will let me go. i hope. i miss koz too. even with only having missed one moday of it, i still miss it like crazy already^^

anyways, i shall leave now. sorry for not posting often, or for not leaving coments. ot alowed on the pc, only when i am sneeking on, and the coment thing doesnt work here for some reason. byebyes everyone.
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