Thursday, June 15, 2006

i just don't know what to say. don't matter what i say. i miss dad alot. i want to see him. i won't though. i am not going to see him on father's day. i could. but i'm not. i am tired. whatever. i am going to go. i dont know.

i miss mika. that sounds weird, but i do. i wanna hang out. i was going to go yesterday, around ten, but i was hoping she would be sleeping by then, so i didn'T. they let me off work early. i still jsut walked around till 12, and got home at 1. am kinda tired. i had such a bad feeling yesterday. doesn't matter. i let it go to God, and i trust that God will do with it what he sees fit. i have two exams today, and my project in multimedia that counts for 30% of my mark. we have the project as our exam. i am doing it on koz. i am trying. i have the first page, but thats it. in director i mean. i have it written out, i have to figure out how to put the writing in director, because i cant open word files there.

anyways, i still dont know what to say. i suppose that lately, i rarely know what to say, or what to do. my english exam is about a boy who cuts himself. i am so mixed up. i really very much like greg. thats one very good thing. and i am excited about spending the 23'rd with mika. i asked mom, and she said yes, so that makes me happy. and i think that me and mika will be able to hang out more during the summer. i am not much happy about the situation with me and dad. but i am happy about being able to still go to koz during the summer. i really hope mika can come this time. i am going to see if i can just walk there with her after school on monday. i am thinking that maybe we can go pretty much straight there after school, then go window shopping down the street on st.mary's, and on the way there too, and have supper at some restauraunt near by. then go there on time. i mean, not supper, since it will be a barbe que, but whatever. i dunno yet. am i getting paid before then? i hope so. anyways, there is simply one problem. i am going to ask maman to bring mika home after, cuz i am not going home. i am goina be at bef's for one or two days. whatever. anyways, yea.
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Wednesday, June 14, 2006

he is doing drugs. he is cutting. he is miserable. thats because of me. i made him cutt. i making him do drugs. i ruined his life. his family's life. i don't deserve to live. everyone thought he was doing drugs, because he acted that way. i jsut made it true. i wanted him to get happy. he is doing drugs. doesn't anyone get that?!? he is drinking and doing drugs. getting drunk. he dumped his girlfriend. he drinks. gets high. cutts. if he dies, or kills himself, wich he has talked about many times, it will be because of me. i did that. people jsut dont get it. it is my fault. all of it. i killed him. i am a murderer. he is killing himself right now. with everything he does now. its my own fault. i hate myself. i can't breath. i should never have been born. i killed him. i ruined all of their lives.
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Tuesday, June 13, 2006

ive been thinking. about what would happen if i died. i am not depressed or anything, i dont mean it in that way. i guess im just morbid. but i was thinking about it. i dont know. i dont think it would change much. it wouldnt make much difference at all in dad's life, since i dont see him anyways rarely. maybe a bit more in mom and glenn's life, but i have been making trouble for them for forever, so maybe things would be easier? i dont know whatever. i am really messed up today. have been for a while.

i am so mixed up, i dont know what to say. nightmares, dreams, just thoughts in general have been haunting me day and night. i dont stop thinking. this i would never except. things that happened. things that could happen. things that are happening now. things that i feel. things that i think others feel. things that i dont know. many things that i dont know.

i am working tonight, 5-8, or soemthing like that. then working tomorow 6-12. hope i am not too tired jeudi. that would suck, but whatever, i mean, we dont have much school on friday. i have a test tomorow. and a couple exams today, and tomorow. i dont know. i will study. maybe. if i dont study for my exams, i will fail, so i guess that means i will have to study really hard. especially for geo. i can pass english, i think. geo is what i will have trouble with. but i will study. i think so anyways.

i spent lunch time at the church next to our school yesterday. maybe will do that today, not sure. we'll see. i don't go inside. i sit on the bench outside. thats all i do. just sit. think. talk to God. i am odd that way. people here hate me. they tell me im a fuck up, and shit like that. thats okay. its true. at least im not a clone.

there was a big storm yesterday. heavy rain. literally black clouds. wind. i loved it. me and papa followed it and went right underneith it, to take pictures. well, him to take pictures. me to be happy. that was amazing. i love storms. they are beautiful. they make me happy. i want it to hapen again.

i dont know what to do really. i dont know. i have so many secrets in my head. i have to go.
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Monday, June 12, 2006

i am at bef's house at moment. living there for a couple days. till tueday, then working that day too, so be home late tuesday night. at school right now. i dont know what to say.

i have been having bad thoughts...nightmares if you will. i am trying to be happy with this. but old worries, and new ones too, are settling in. i find myself having to force myself to try and trust him. it hurts so much. maman, bef, they have all been telling me to be careful. i know i will get hurt. i only hope i dont fall in love with him before i do... he is dangerouse and unpredictable in that sense. not only that has been haunting my mind. haunting, never far from my thoughts, is so much of whats going on. i ca`'t say it on here. theses are things i would rather keep secret, if that okay. at the moment anyway. i cant really write them down. it hurts to keep them in, but i will be strong, i can handle it on my own.

a couple days ago, someone asked me about my childhood. very general questions, nothing specific. they asked if i had had an easy or difficult childhood. i thought of that. i have never been raped, nor beaten, or abused. i have had a lucky childhood. its not over yet. i have been having so much trouble, and it all my own fault. its all been inside me. my mom was the one who called me a whore. but its my fault that i took it to heart. i never had any friends, but it was my own fault for trusting that they would like me for who i really was. i am not alowed to go out, but thats my own fault for breaking my parents trust. it was all my own fault. if i had been abused or raped, then i could honestly say that it was not my fault, all of this stuff that made me cut, everything that was insdie, all the pain, but nothing bad like that has ever happened to me. but i knew this. ive always known this. it doesn't matter.

i am going to koz tonight, after school. i cant wait. mika is coming. that will be good. yea. i think i am going to go now, for now anyways. i cant think stright right now. byes. maybe ill write later. maybe not. i guess well see
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Sunday, June 11, 2006

i am back from work. got back about an hour ago. walked home. i had fun. kinda getting a bit tired. i dunno why i am not going to bed. i dont think i am tired enough yet to sleep. i am going to try to convince my mom to letting me work full time nights this summer. it sounds like it might be fun. anyways, yea. i dont really nkow what to say. i am not very able to think at the moment. i guess ill just go for now. maybe write again later today. byebyes everyone.
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Saturday, June 10, 2006

i had fun yesterday. i am a little worried though. i am not sure if mika had fun. i hope she did. i think all of my other friends liked her when they met her. they all had fun. i think she likes them too. thats good. i am working tonight, and tomorow. i am going to ask the manager to work overnight shifts. for the summer i mean. that would be fun enough. i don't really know what to say this morning. after noon. whatever. i dont think i will get into much trouble. my parents had a bad sleep because they were a little worried about me, thats all. i am still really sacred about this. i will try not to be, and i will make sure that i never show it. i could never show it. my own past mistakes should not have any effect on whats happening now. there are so many things im hiding from all of them, i just dont know. if he asks me, i will tell him. up to now, i found ways of changing the subject though, wich is a good thing. anyways, i am going to go now. i dont know where. somewhere. whatever. bye.
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Friday, June 9, 2006

i hope i will not regret dressing like myself this way in front of him. i am kinda-girly-ish, i mean, im wearing girl jeans(a bit big for me tho, cuz i like baggy) and a girl black muscle shirt, and a weird tie and beads around my forhead and earing of beads and my hair up with beaded chopsticks. lol. lots of beads. anyways, this is me as a girl. i dont look like a girl, i look just plain weird, but i dont care. i am excited of seeing mika again. i miss her like crazy. lol. she is to decide whether he is good for me or not. lol. anyways, yea.

i am still kindof ish like i was yesterday and stuff. just, something going wrong, thats all. sorry that i was swearing and everything. i got really mad and frustrated and stuff. i am tired today, but i am trying to be better.

mom said that if i dont improve my attitude, she will take away koz. she sais that i am smiling, all the way until i reach the front door, and oncei pass the threshold, the smile goes away. i never noticed it. i dunno why. i just dont really feel like smiling at home. it doesnt matter though. whatever. i will act happy, as long as i still have koz. and if she takes it away, i will go anyways.

i am tired because i stayed up pretty late just lying there listening to music. i hope i don't get caught. i mean, im not going to start doing this all the time. this is just special. i mean, i am going to go out on my first date today after school. i am very excited. mika is coming. i mean, its a date, but with friends. josh and mika and i think michelle is coming. it will be fun. i hope i dont scare him away being myself this way. i dont think so. i already act like myself around him. i am simply dressed different, thats all. anyways, about to get in trouble with the teacher. byebyes. leave comments if u wish^^î loveth reading them
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Thursday, June 8, 2006

i dont know what to say. im a failure. i can do it myself. i can handle all of it myself. nobody gets it. thats okay. i guess i like it better that way. i want to go. i hope i can go. i dont know. bye. i dont know. i can do it myself. i dont need anyone's help. leave me alone. i dont need your help. nobody can help me. i dont deserve what i want. i wont get it. i will not let myself. i have to go. bye. whatever. why am i so scared? i am not scared. i wont cry. i can do it myself. fuck it!
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Wednesday, June 7, 2006

i have many things happening, and many things to think about that happened. i dunno. i am scsared out of my mind about something, but excited and happy. there are many different things that i feel at the moment, i dont know how to explain it. i dont think i am numb right now. just the opposite. i have so much running through me. this used to scare me all by itself. thats when i was cutting. now, i am trying not to be so scared. i am to keep strong, so that i can give strength to mika. i want to bring her to koz. it gave me much happiness. much peace. i love her, and i want her to be happy. i will not give up. i don't even know if she believe's in god! i know she has been to a youth group before, but i dont think they helped her much. i didn't think anyone could help me, but then i went there. i am still not un-mixed, and i still have bad days, and almost every day i think of cutting. more then once a day actually, but i think i am getting better. i want her to get better too. i am not going to this peacful place without her. thats jusut how it's going to be^^

don't mind me being weird today. i dunno why. a good morning maybe? i want to do soemthing nice for mika. i dunno what. bring her to a movie? bring her shopping all day long ?lol, that sounds very girly, but by shopping i mean places like value village or a book store. nah, that more my type of thing^^hmmm. i am going to have to think about this. i know mika is going to read this, and so, please dom't tell me. i wanna figure something out on my own^^i dunno. u already know that it will probably be way off, but it the thought that counts!!!lol. anyways, love you all and thats much for your comment, i love em!
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Monday, June 5, 2006

i am a little better this morning. i feel...i dunno. kinda like i am between numb and thoughtful. i am numb, in a way. i can't stop thinking though. and i can't say really that i am completely numb, because when i am thinking, i keep getting litttle smiles on my face, or sighing, or a frown or just a little sad or something. not enough to be noticed by anyone, only by me. i dunno. just little things. this makes no sense, so i will try to talk of my weekend a bit.

i rode a horse for the first time ever. we only got to walk, and i really wanted to go faster, but i didn't. i went rock climbing(wall-climbing is more like it) and log-walking and all that kinda stuff. it was really fun. i got closer to two people in particular. very fast too. it was weird. Josh and Greg. Greg, as in the guuy i've had my little infatuation with, and Josh, his, and now my friend. both surprised me. i can't wait to see them at koz tonight. All three of us had some very deep talks about all kindof stuff. I've known Josh for only about two weeks. well, not really. it kinda weird, because i missed koz twice in a row, and i met him the time before that, so yea. if u round it up, and don't count thoses two times i didn't go, then it' about two weeks including this weekend. and we were practically inseperable this weekend! we were the three muskateers(very corny i know, it's kinda a weird thing i started in my mind, nevermind. lol) anyways, i had alot alot alot of fun. it was so peacful and beautiful ther. it was amazing. there was a valley and the trees went on forever and it was just breathtaking. i watched the sun come up. it was perfect. i had alot of fun. i don't know what to say. i want to go again. and i will. in october. there will be another one. i can't wait. anyways, i have to go beacuse the teacher is coming, so byebyes everyone, hope your weekend was as fun as mine^^
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