Sunday, June 4, 2006

alot has happened this weekend. can't write it down yett. not sure if i will be able to. alot of it was good. but some was bad. i need to think. i can't do that here. my parents understand so little of what i am feeling, that it sometimes even scares me. i am scared to death. not of that. of what happened. of what is going to happen. other people never think big on theses things. this is something that scares me more then being alone. i cant. i just cant. bye, for now. i really have to think.
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Friday, June 2, 2006

i spent most of the concert with david, aaron and britanne. first, it was only me and britanne, talking, then david came and he started talking too then aaron showed up and the same thing. so we all spent the whole concert talking about stuff. i almost fell asleep too. i think all of us almost fell asleep. lol. it was a tirering day yesterday. lol. we went to boston pizza after, and i got home just before midnight. i read until 1:30 am. i read the book the chosen. it's about two jewish boys. up to now, not much has happened except for a baseball game, a hospital, and now the hospital is soon out of the picture, cuz reuven is going home, but yea. anyways, yea. me and aaron are just buddies, and we are close friends now, but everyone is telling us that we should go out. i don't want to go out with anyone. and, i don't want to start caring about him like crazzy and then get hurt again. although, i already know, thats how it works in relationships. u get together, u feel happy, then it gets taken away and someone always get hurt and i hate it. i have no need of a relatonship like that. i am not going to be happy for long before it gets taken away. if i wish to be happy, i will make myself happy. i will not be dependant on anyone. whatever, it doesn't matter. i am leaving for my youth retreat today, and i will be gone all weekend for that, so it doesn't matter. i just want ¸for things to go back to me and aaron being just buddies, cuz now its weird. why the fuck cant a guy and a girl just be friends? me and him were becoming great friends before everyone else started fucking it up. i hate it. whatever. i hope i'm working next week. alot. i need to get my mind off of this shit. i know it's not that bad, and i shouldn't be whining, but if i don't write it her, i have nowhere else to say it. what i want to do most right now, is, surprisingly, not cut myself, because that has no fucking point, but just go for a walk in the forest, or even just go somewhere where nobody else is, and sleep the day away. whatever.

i am worried of mika. i guess thats not new. she is sharing a room with a really mean girl, and i dunno. i think she should either ignore the girl, or just, i dunno. i will be away this weekend, so i wont be home if she comes over to hang out. but ill be home tuesday of next week. i dunno. i still feel helpless about that. i wanna help her with all this shit. i just want her to get happy. for real tho, not the fake happy she does just to get people off her back.

i can't keep talking now, maybe later. there is something wrong with me, and has been for a while now. i dont think health-wise, but just...i dont know. i just hate it all. i am going to go now. bye.
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Thursday, June 1, 2006

i don't know what to say. i went to the concert at school yesterday, and i guess i had fun. i had fun with david and aaron. we were fighting. like play fighting. they were teaching me wrestling moves. it was funny. jenny drove me home after tear-down. there is another concert tonight that i am going to. jazz cabaret. after that, we are all going to bp. im pretty sure jenny is driving me home after that too. too bad i cant drive yet, that would be awesome. anyways, yea. i feel numb again. it feels good. i hate it , and love it at the same time. i love it because, i don't have to feel much of anything. i am cold and numb and it makes me less attached. less careful. i hate it, because, if and when i ever get out of my numbness, i usually get really sad, hurt or angry. most of the time hurt. ii really hate my weakness. it sucks. i dont know. i also hate it because when i am numb, it makes it alot harder to get happy. i stiill have hope. like i said, i will not loose hope. buut, i just can't feel it right now, thats all. i dunno. im going to go, i dunno what else to say...
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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

weary, lacking, unloved, confused, wistful, unimportant, invisible. stupid, airheaded, thoughtless, angry, sad, failure, weak, ugly.

what can say? i don't know what to say. i am staying after school tomorow for detention. then i am going to tech, then to the school concert. i asked my mom to go to warchild. with mika. its a concert also. she said no. i felt bitter and angry, i didn't tell her though. i said okay, and changed the subject. i spent the night at lizbef's last night. after koz, i mean. i am going home today after school. and friday, i am leaving for the weekend, going to the koz youth retreat. i will be in the midst of the guy i have s stupid little infatuation with. he doesn't like me back., ofcourse, i've kept it a secret, except for on here ofcourse. it doesn't matter anyway. it will go away. it is simply my own lonely self searching for someone to hold me. it wouldn't happen that way anyway, so i don't know why my heart won't listen to my brain. they simply can't agree on anything. doesn't matter. i am not going to listen to my heart this time. listening to my heart...that how i get hurt. every time. my instincts. my heart. my very soul. i have to admit, the feeling of being loved, or even liked, is well worth the pain. but, as i know, that he would never like me and especially never love me, then i am to barracade my heart until this infatuation goes away. and it will go away. i will make it go away. even if i have to keep my heart caged until i am old and wrinkled. i know it won't last that long though. this is no everlasting true love. that kind of love doesn't exist anymore. true love? lmao. what can be true in a love so fake? true love. ha! it is simply something to tell in a fairy tale. i know, i believed them all, all of thoses stories. they conquered my dreams since i was a child. i suppose, i still am a child. i still dream of love. but love can conquer my heart only in my dreams. i am beggginging to get that real life is different. no swords or dragons or talking wolves. no fighting bravely for the one u love, against an army of evil. if the world be that way, all that be good would be dead. there would be no love. no mercy. the only love, would be the love of hate, and the onlymercy, would be the evil beings taking mercy on their fellow murderers and killing them.

my ever shifting imagination, seems to have shifted this morning, to a much darker side. i've always been more of an optimist, dreaming of all things good, and believeing in hope and god and good overpowering evil. i suppose, after contemplating the past year, i have changed my mind? perhaps i will change my mind again? perhaps this is a faze? i truly hope so, because if what i am feeling now is what i am to feel the rest of my life, then i shouldn't it would be worth living. ofcourse, i say that, before i think or the birds. i am not to die. i live for life. it makes not much sense i suppose. but in ths stupor i lie, but not forever. i will be with the birds and the trees and the animals again. and i will thrive. i will grow grom the thorns and weeds that i have myself planted, and grow high. and i will cut through the thorns and weeds and shed some light onto mika, so that she can grow too, nad hear for the first time, the same birds and winds and trees as i have once. new hope will be restored on that day. new kindship, new life. a new light will shine. god will lead me through this dark time, and god will lead mika through too, for i will not let go of her hand until we are both safe in the light. i will work harder, for both of us. i will try. and i will succeed. if it's the last thing i do, i will get this one thing right. that i promise.
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Monday, May 29, 2006

i saw dad again yesterday, when i went to my grandaprents. i hid everything though. i didn't show how much he hurt me, or how incrdibly happy i was to see him, even after everything, or how much i love him. but, i didn't want to let go of that hug when he left. i didn't cry, though i wanted to. i miss him so much. i am crying now. it's pretty rare that i cry. i don't like to cry. it makes me feel weak. but, i miss him so much. i know crying is not weakness, it simply makes me feel that way. i don't think weak of when i see someone cry. i only think, i wonder what could have ahppened to this eprson to make them feel that way. not about myself though. i cry, because i miss him so much, and i love him so much, and i got to see him just hours ago, and already i miss him and i want to hug him again. he doesn't miss me though. he doesn't care like i do. he doesn't love me. i would give my life for him. i'm scared that he'll forget me. i can't keep crying now. if i do, i'll start sobbing, and everyone will know i am crying. i can't. i am at school. i won't tlk about this anymore.

i am very worried of mika sstill. there is a boy, still hurting her. i don't want her to be hurting. i want her to be happy. she doesn't have any privacy at home, because there aare people living with her now. besides her family, ther are two other people living there, and one that is almost always ther. i don't know how that feels. i've always had enough privacy, as long as i didn't let that i had a secret from my family. i want her to feel better. i told her that bshe could come to my house any time she needed to get away. i really hope she doesn't forget that i love her. she is forgetting how to hope, how to smile. i wish i could give her all my hope, and live in hopelessness myself, to keep her from it. she will make it through though. i know it. i will help her as much as i can. she doesn't think she is strong anymore. i know she is tired. but, i think, she needs a break from everything. a god long relaxing one. i told her to wait only a few more years, till we are both out of school, and can get away and go wherever we want. i want her to be better.wish us luck?
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Friday, May 26, 2006

i had fun at the movie. i really liked it. it felt good to just hang out with friends. i want to go back to the forest right now. i would be able to go all the way through on my own in the dark. i was happy with my friends. i'm not so much happy now. i came home. i read people's posts. i hate it. i want to go back to the forest. and i don't want to leave for a long time. i want to be special. i want to be unique. i don't want to be the dissapointment i am now...

i am worried about mika again. she wrote a really odd post. about the guy she likes. aparently, from what i can get, he is still in "love" with his ex or soemthing, i dunno. i just hope she is alright. i think he is hurting her. i don't want anyone to hurt her...
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i was brave enough to walk into the forest yesterday. at about 12:30 am. you'd be surprised how scary the forest is in the dark all alone. but, i walked in, and walked for about 15 miunntes, but then turned back. i walked around outside for another couple of hours. i was mostly on mika's street(i just call it that cuz it's the street she lives on). i snuck out yesterday. mom and glenn didn't find out, so it's all okay. i just needed time to think. i went to the bridge. i went back to the rocks too. it's alot harder, crossing the river, when it's dark out. i don't know. i got to think a bit. cool off. to tell u the truth, after i did cool off a bit, i wasn't really thinking at all. i want back to numb and blank and cold. today i am going to see a movie with kairo, i guess i already said that. whatever. i just hope i stay numb, and not get angry again. whatever. i am going to go now, bye.
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Thursday, May 25, 2006

very good day. mika came over after school, went to work, tomorow i am going to see a movie with a friend of mine, after the tech meeting after school. lol. anyways, hope everyone has a good day today^^
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they said i am weak. they meant it. i don't like being weak. i will make myself change. i will not be weak. my dad is not weak, my mom is not weak, my brother is definetly not weak, so i wont be either. i am already enough of a dissapointment, and i will not make this another thing to be ashamed of!

am i predictable? seriously? i am not exciting, or unique, i already know that, but i never thought of myself as predictable. whatever. i don't care anymore.

yesterday, i worked from 5-8, two of thoses hours mika worked too. so we got to hang out a bit. she is going to my house before i go to work after school. that maketh me happier at least. whatever.
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Wednesday, May 24, 2006

i don't know what to say. i am going to try to stop all of it. i hate it. everyone is the same. they will all leave. they will always hurt and leave and lie. it is no different. i talked to maman yesterday. i didn't want to talk to mom. it not the kind of thing i should talk to mom about. i don't know. i don't know what i'm saying. i'm confused. he hung up yesterday. and she didn't like it. he left. again. he is trying again. he should not be. i can't say any more then that, because i don't understand any of it. i managed to make things worse, once again. i am good at that. i no longer feel only numbness. it,s still there. numbness, cold, indifference. at the same time, something worse. something familliar. i am alone on this one. and i can handle it. i do not need any help facing the mess i made. i wish i knew what to do though. i am on my way. the right path awaits me patiently. all i need is to break free. to let myself be led through this dark time. i very much hope, that in this journey, through darkness, i can bring her with me. help her through to the light of life. to happiness and goodness. there will be many dark places, some darker then others. i want to learn to do the right thing in thoses times. to learn my lesson. to find a happy ending to the chapter that is only one of many chapters of the book of life. this may sound as gibberish or lies, but i am not jesting. i have dreamed of living a life, completely absolved from my past mistakes. a life where i can be satified with my decisions and with the lessons i have learned. i know i am young, and not very bright, but i don't have to be old or wise to know that doing what is right may not make me happy right away, but happiness will come in time. i am miserable, with the choice i am making now. with the one i know is right. i am going against what i want, and instead choosing the option that of wich represents my right path, represents my futur. Mika, i know, will be on her way soon. TRouble will leave her door step long enough for her to be relieved of her heavy burdens. she only has to believe she is strong enough to withstand just a little longer theses heavy burdens, and i know she will find the same happiness i seek. my hope is still wthstanding the crushing blows fate has dealt her. fate, no , life itself has been testing her strength. i have faith that she fill find hope enough within herself and live, for real. i may sound stupid, and i know it, but i don't care. if i could find a simple shread of the happiness i am seeking, i would give it to her, so that she could know what she was fighting for. maybe to you , it doesn't seem like a fight. but every breath is a fight in the world. whether you think of it as so, or think otherwise.
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