Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Today is pretty much like every day. i don't feel scared. i don't feel angry, and i don't feel sad. i don't feel happy. i feel, numb. i feel nothing. it feels as if so much has happened for me to hink about and worry about, that my mind just gave up trying to think of them all at once, and shut down. i still worry about Mika, i still miss dad like crazy, i still am trying to get my grades up, i'm still trying to not fuck up things with mom again. i'm still trying to figure out who are really my friends, i'm still spending mst of my time alone, i'm still using alot of my willpower to keep from cutting, and i'm still dreaming of dripping blood off of my wrist. i still love going to koz, i still don't want to go. i still hate saying goodbye, and i still do it anyway. i still don't know who i am, nor do i know what to do. right now, i want most to go for a walk in the forest, visit woody. isn't that sad? i want to leave school, to go talk to a tree. i am probably crazy, and if a doctor or psychiatrist could get a hold of me, they would probably perscribe me all sorts of medications, if they didn't throw me in a straight jacket. i don't really care. i live in my own little world, if i am lucky. i know this post makes no sense, but i don't care. i want to go home. no i don't. i want to go to the forest.

i am angry at adame. i am not talking to him. he doesn't know it though. i am not really agnry at him. i am simply tired of being lied to. tired of being ignored. whatever. it don't really matter. i dont really care either way anymore

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Sunday, May 21, 2006

i've been leaving comments on alot of pages, but they are not working, so just so you know, i've been reading everything from everyone's site on my friends list, but it wont let me post comments:( does anyone know how to fix it?
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i went for a walk in the forest today. it felt wonderful. don't think me weird, but most of the time i was talking to the trees and the water. it's so peacful. i never thought i'd find a little forest like that in the city. i found it last summer. it was great, and im happy i found it. although, im not aloud to go there, because my mom doesn't trust me, so whenever i go, mom doesn't know about it. it was really great though. and i talked a bit of stuff over with travis. he has a girlfriend now, but he feels so pushed into it, because his mom and tasha's(girlfriend) mom are friends, nd th3ey were telling him, oh, well we want 4 kinds out of you two, and stuff like when they are getting married and stuff. and tasha is happy with him, and cares about him alot and she's been hurt alot. he only thinks of her as a friend, and he doesnt know how to say anything, cuz he doesnt want to hurt her, and he thinks his mom and everyone will hate him after, cuz they are all happy with it. only he is unhappy about it, but he has a tendency to hide stuff like that because yea and he doesnt know what to do and he asked me for advice and i couldnt say anything because i just dfont know. does anyone have any advice i could tell him?

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Friday, May 19, 2006

travis wrote me. he sent me an e-mail. he is asking me, if me and him could talk. he wants to know that he is not only a burden of pain to me. he doesn't want that. i don't know what to do. it's been so ahrd to stay away from him. yesterday, i was proud of myself because i only thought of him about once or twice an hour, instead of every minute. i really don't know what to do. i sent him an e-mail back though, tellig him the truth, that i could not see him, and that i hoped he was happy now, with his life, and that i missed him and asked him to stay safe. i really don't know what to do. what if he replies? what if he doesn't? i would love to see him again, but i won't. RAechel, told me to stay away from him. Travis is her older brother. She said i've fucked up his life enough already, and to leave him alone. i don't want to go against that. i care about him so much, but i care about Raechel soo much too. i think i hurt her feeling when i started going out with Travis. i mean, i don't know. he was my second boyfriend, my most seriouse boyfriend. actually, i've only had two boyfriends in my life, but still. we were together about 7 monthes. i miss him so much. more then 7 monthes, i don't even know. i must have been horrible. i wonder why he is still talking to me. he has a girlfriend now. he should be happy. i don't know. i just don't know. i'm so confused now, more then efore. at least befiore, then whole Travis thing was clear. now even tht is mixed upo again. please please please give me advice if you have any, it would be very very much appreciated...
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Thursday, May 18, 2006

i think i am getting just a tiny bit better at hiding my feelings a bit. i hope so anyways. well, maybe not hiding them persay, but i am not getting as overwealmed, because i am learning that people like me can do very stupid things when they are overwealmed. like cutting or drinking or something. yea, i know some about that. anyways, wish me luck with that? i think i may be needing it.

i am still worried about mika, but i appreciate the comments you all have been leaving me, they help some, make me think in you point of view of what i should do, or soemthing like that. im justtrying to say that they help. lol, i am not very good with words. i visited a site today, of someone on my friends list. i've never met him, but today he wrote that his uncle died, and they were close. i felt alot of things reading that. i mean, i dont even know this boy, or his uncle, but i still felt bad, i mean, when u think of it, there is someone in the world right now, trying to sort out feelings about someone close to them who is now gone. i guess we all have our own feelings to sort out all the time, some more then others. i've always been a pretty emotional person, and so, i get hurt pretty easily, but that, is one thing i can hide very well if i want to, wich i usually do. i bottle up the hurt of whatever it is, and keep it inside, until there is more to add. that's why i want to learn to be more unatached, less readable. i don't want to get hurt. alot of the time now, i loose faith in love. deep down, i have faith in love, in god, in the univers, in the white light, in happy endings, that anything is possible. i am a christian, if anybody cares. i was scared of saying that i was a christian on my profile, because i've met alot of people who hate christians, for their own reasons. well, i only just started learning more aboiut the lord, and i don't think i was born a christian, but i believe now, in god. i don't know if i believe in the bible, since i have not yet read it. i hope nobody holds my faith against me, because it doesn't change who i am. i have faith in god, but i am not asking anyone else to. alot of my friends dont believe in god. or they simply dont like christians , or whatnot. i know this has nothing to do with anything, and it probably doesn't matter, but i just wanted to say itt, becausei wanted to get over being scared of what others think. i am nowhere near perfect, wich im guessing you all probably already figured. i used to cut myself, i lost my virginity at age 14, i swear all the time, i get angry, im selfish, i bitch about alot of things when i know so many people have it alot worse then me. i screw up people's lives. i've always wanted to be accepted as myself, wich i'm guessing alot of people want. i've never even been myself with anyone. not completely. i dont even know myself enough to tell you any more. i am hoping to find out who i am. i mean, a few monthes ago, i could have told you i was a lesbian, wich i thought at the time, only because everything with guys seemed to be going wrong. a year ago, i could have told you truthfully that i was an innocent little counrt girl that had no idea how to live in the city. at any point in my life, withing the past 4 years, i could have told you that i was miserable an alone. at any point in my lfie, i could have told you that i am not special, but im not normal either. i am not pretty, or smart, or talented. i can still tell you all of this truthfully. now, i dont know what i am. oh, thats not true. i am confused. i am too stubborn to ask for help, from greg i mean. i am too proud i guess. i've always been stubborn and proud. i dunno why. greg knows there is something wrong. ther are many things wrong. but i wont tell him what they are. he is avery good friend of mine. he can make me smile. he is the only one who stayed with me, for real.

sorry, im over my little rant there. dont blame you if you didn't read it. i really hope nobody feels any different knowing i am christian.

i have a little bit of exciting, dr3eamful, pointless news that matter to nobody but me in a special way. lol. greg(other greg, the one from koz) gave me a hug last time i went to koz. it didn't mean anything, it was like a joke-hug or soemthing like that, and it didn't help my little infatuation-getting-over-it thing. but, it did make me smile for the rest of the night. i know it's a small thing, but it made me feel special. sorry again about my little rant. i hope you all are still okay with me.
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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

i am worried about mika. i believe that she is strong. i might be wrong i suppose, but i think, the only weakness she has is how she doesn't believe in herself being strong. i don't know what to do still. any advice???
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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

travis wrote another post. he made me sound like such a whore. i hate it. i still can't really stop thinking about him. in a sadder way now tho. i dunno what to do. i am glad that he is happy with his new gf. i only wish i was over him by now.

i am worried about mika. she keeps writing some worrying stuff. lol, i guess that obviouse. anyways, she is writing about someone she cares about but doesnt like her in the same way. i dunno who it is, and i dunno what to tell her either, i mean, i am not goina ask who it is, cuz i mean, it's her privacy, and if she wants me to know, she'll tell me. anyways, yea. i dunno what to do about that. any advice?


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Monday, May 15, 2006

i am not even going to try and explain what i'm feeling. i think, if it's possible, i am feeling every feeling imaginable, all at the same time. like all the feelings, all mixed. whatever. i need to sort some of this stuff out.

i don't know what to do about adame. i mean, i love him like a brother, i talk to him all the time. he is living in a dream though. i don'T know. i don't know what to believe. he believe's that he is living in the same body as two other souls. wraith and dark wolf. wraith, adame and dark made together, he was created by all the anger in adame's heart. and dark is a reincarnated wolf. i don't know. i believed him, before today. i talked to greg. he has already met adame, and said it is not possible, that adame is sick. i don't know who to believe. i don't know. help?

i feel soo....mixed up. i have so much going on inside me. it hurts. for real. i am sorry. i don't mean to sound so....whiny. i'll stop. i just needed to get a little of it out, it was overflowing. now it only up to the top, but not overflowing. it driving me nuts though. i just don't know what to do. advice?
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Sunday, May 14, 2006

had a good day yesteray, worked, went to the mall, worked some more, hung out with randy, came home, hung out with my brother listening to music, then went to bed round 2 am. hadn't had a day like that in a while, hanging out with jus.

i am worried about Raechel. her site is mika-seguichi, if u want to know why. she seems really depressed, and i want to help, but i don't know how. i really hope she gets better. i believe that she is strong enough to get through it, i only hope she get's through it the right way. i mean, with bad stuff she did , and maybe stil does, like cutting and drinking and stuff, then i'm a little worried.

i don't think of travis as much anymore, only like ten times a day, instead of five times an hour. i am getting better. so many people thought it was just playing around. even for travis it might have been. but i mean, i still care about him, alot. i mean, i can't get into a relationship like that again. he is btter , and porbably happier, without me. but, i have my dreams.

i am still not over a little infatuation with a guy i know, greg. i will see him at koz tomorow. nobody knows about this though. i am trying my best to hide it from everyone. wish me luck?

greg(other greg/very very very good friend) saw me on thursday at school, and saw how depressed i was, and gave me hugs and tried to make me feel better. it helped a bit, but not that much. i am happy to have a friend like him. i only wish i could make him feel better when he is sad.
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Friday, May 12, 2006

i kinda had a little setback. been really miserable today, from all the stuff that's happening, and kinda wrote it all down on two of my other sites. on...umm.....neverstopcrying, and on drakealexxavier. not aq good thing. drakealexxavier is my secret one, that my friend dont know about. hopefully mom will let me out to go to a soccer game. byebyes
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