Thursday, May 18, 2006

i think i am getting just a tiny bit better at hiding my feelings a bit. i hope so anyways. well, maybe not hiding them persay, but i am not getting as overwealmed, because i am learning that people like me can do very stupid things when they are overwealmed. like cutting or drinking or something. yea, i know some about that. anyways, wish me luck with that? i think i may be needing it.

i am still worried about mika, but i appreciate the comments you all have been leaving me, they help some, make me think in you point of view of what i should do, or soemthing like that. im justtrying to say that they help. lol, i am not very good with words. i visited a site today, of someone on my friends list. i've never met him, but today he wrote that his uncle died, and they were close. i felt alot of things reading that. i mean, i dont even know this boy, or his uncle, but i still felt bad, i mean, when u think of it, there is someone in the world right now, trying to sort out feelings about someone close to them who is now gone. i guess we all have our own feelings to sort out all the time, some more then others. i've always been a pretty emotional person, and so, i get hurt pretty easily, but that, is one thing i can hide very well if i want to, wich i usually do. i bottle up the hurt of whatever it is, and keep it inside, until there is more to add. that's why i want to learn to be more unatached, less readable. i don't want to get hurt. alot of the time now, i loose faith in love. deep down, i have faith in love, in god, in the univers, in the white light, in happy endings, that anything is possible. i am a christian, if anybody cares. i was scared of saying that i was a christian on my profile, because i've met alot of people who hate christians, for their own reasons. well, i only just started learning more aboiut the lord, and i don't think i was born a christian, but i believe now, in god. i don't know if i believe in the bible, since i have not yet read it. i hope nobody holds my faith against me, because it doesn't change who i am. i have faith in god, but i am not asking anyone else to. alot of my friends dont believe in god. or they simply dont like christians , or whatnot. i know this has nothing to do with anything, and it probably doesn't matter, but i just wanted to say itt, becausei wanted to get over being scared of what others think. i am nowhere near perfect, wich im guessing you all probably already figured. i used to cut myself, i lost my virginity at age 14, i swear all the time, i get angry, im selfish, i bitch about alot of things when i know so many people have it alot worse then me. i screw up people's lives. i've always wanted to be accepted as myself, wich i'm guessing alot of people want. i've never even been myself with anyone. not completely. i dont even know myself enough to tell you any more. i am hoping to find out who i am. i mean, a few monthes ago, i could have told you i was a lesbian, wich i thought at the time, only because everything with guys seemed to be going wrong. a year ago, i could have told you truthfully that i was an innocent little counrt girl that had no idea how to live in the city. at any point in my life, withing the past 4 years, i could have told you that i was miserable an alone. at any point in my lfie, i could have told you that i am not special, but im not normal either. i am not pretty, or smart, or talented. i can still tell you all of this truthfully. now, i dont know what i am. oh, thats not true. i am confused. i am too stubborn to ask for help, from greg i mean. i am too proud i guess. i've always been stubborn and proud. i dunno why. greg knows there is something wrong. ther are many things wrong. but i wont tell him what they are. he is avery good friend of mine. he can make me smile. he is the only one who stayed with me, for real.

sorry, im over my little rant there. dont blame you if you didn't read it. i really hope nobody feels any different knowing i am christian.

i have a little bit of exciting, dr3eamful, pointless news that matter to nobody but me in a special way. lol. greg(other greg, the one from koz) gave me a hug last time i went to koz. it didn't mean anything, it was like a joke-hug or soemthing like that, and it didn't help my little infatuation-getting-over-it thing. but, it did make me smile for the rest of the night. i know it's a small thing, but it made me feel special. sorry again about my little rant. i hope you all are still okay with me.
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