Wednesday, May 24, 2006

i don't know what to say. i am going to try to stop all of it. i hate it. everyone is the same. they will all leave. they will always hurt and leave and lie. it is no different. i talked to maman yesterday. i didn't want to talk to mom. it not the kind of thing i should talk to mom about. i don't know. i don't know what i'm saying. i'm confused. he hung up yesterday. and she didn't like it. he left. again. he is trying again. he should not be. i can't say any more then that, because i don't understand any of it. i managed to make things worse, once again. i am good at that. i no longer feel only numbness. it,s still there. numbness, cold, indifference. at the same time, something worse. something familliar. i am alone on this one. and i can handle it. i do not need any help facing the mess i made. i wish i knew what to do though. i am on my way. the right path awaits me patiently. all i need is to break free. to let myself be led through this dark time. i very much hope, that in this journey, through darkness, i can bring her with me. help her through to the light of life. to happiness and goodness. there will be many dark places, some darker then others. i want to learn to do the right thing in thoses times. to learn my lesson. to find a happy ending to the chapter that is only one of many chapters of the book of life. this may sound as gibberish or lies, but i am not jesting. i have dreamed of living a life, completely absolved from my past mistakes. a life where i can be satified with my decisions and with the lessons i have learned. i know i am young, and not very bright, but i don't have to be old or wise to know that doing what is right may not make me happy right away, but happiness will come in time. i am miserable, with the choice i am making now. with the one i know is right. i am going against what i want, and instead choosing the option that of wich represents my right path, represents my futur. Mika, i know, will be on her way soon. TRouble will leave her door step long enough for her to be relieved of her heavy burdens. she only has to believe she is strong enough to withstand just a little longer theses heavy burdens, and i know she will find the same happiness i seek. my hope is still wthstanding the crushing blows fate has dealt her. fate, no , life itself has been testing her strength. i have faith that she fill find hope enough within herself and live, for real. i may sound stupid, and i know it, but i don't care. if i could find a simple shread of the happiness i am seeking, i would give it to her, so that she could know what she was fighting for. maybe to you , it doesn't seem like a fight. but every breath is a fight in the world. whether you think of it as so, or think otherwise.
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