Tuesday, May 30, 2006

weary, lacking, unloved, confused, wistful, unimportant, invisible. stupid, airheaded, thoughtless, angry, sad, failure, weak, ugly.

what can say? i don't know what to say. i am staying after school tomorow for detention. then i am going to tech, then to the school concert. i asked my mom to go to warchild. with mika. its a concert also. she said no. i felt bitter and angry, i didn't tell her though. i said okay, and changed the subject. i spent the night at lizbef's last night. after koz, i mean. i am going home today after school. and friday, i am leaving for the weekend, going to the koz youth retreat. i will be in the midst of the guy i have s stupid little infatuation with. he doesn't like me back., ofcourse, i've kept it a secret, except for on here ofcourse. it doesn't matter anyway. it will go away. it is simply my own lonely self searching for someone to hold me. it wouldn't happen that way anyway, so i don't know why my heart won't listen to my brain. they simply can't agree on anything. doesn't matter. i am not going to listen to my heart this time. listening to my heart...that how i get hurt. every time. my instincts. my heart. my very soul. i have to admit, the feeling of being loved, or even liked, is well worth the pain. but, as i know, that he would never like me and especially never love me, then i am to barracade my heart until this infatuation goes away. and it will go away. i will make it go away. even if i have to keep my heart caged until i am old and wrinkled. i know it won't last that long though. this is no everlasting true love. that kind of love doesn't exist anymore. true love? lmao. what can be true in a love so fake? true love. ha! it is simply something to tell in a fairy tale. i know, i believed them all, all of thoses stories. they conquered my dreams since i was a child. i suppose, i still am a child. i still dream of love. but love can conquer my heart only in my dreams. i am beggginging to get that real life is different. no swords or dragons or talking wolves. no fighting bravely for the one u love, against an army of evil. if the world be that way, all that be good would be dead. there would be no love. no mercy. the only love, would be the love of hate, and the onlymercy, would be the evil beings taking mercy on their fellow murderers and killing them.

my ever shifting imagination, seems to have shifted this morning, to a much darker side. i've always been more of an optimist, dreaming of all things good, and believeing in hope and god and good overpowering evil. i suppose, after contemplating the past year, i have changed my mind? perhaps i will change my mind again? perhaps this is a faze? i truly hope so, because if what i am feeling now is what i am to feel the rest of my life, then i shouldn't it would be worth living. ofcourse, i say that, before i think or the birds. i am not to die. i live for life. it makes not much sense i suppose. but in ths stupor i lie, but not forever. i will be with the birds and the trees and the animals again. and i will thrive. i will grow grom the thorns and weeds that i have myself planted, and grow high. and i will cut through the thorns and weeds and shed some light onto mika, so that she can grow too, nad hear for the first time, the same birds and winds and trees as i have once. new hope will be restored on that day. new kindship, new life. a new light will shine. god will lead me through this dark time, and god will lead mika through too, for i will not let go of her hand until we are both safe in the light. i will work harder, for both of us. i will try. and i will succeed. if it's the last thing i do, i will get this one thing right. that i promise.
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